


You Leave Me with a Dangerous Taste

by aweirdkindofyellow



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cheating, F/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-06-23 15:26:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 61,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19704184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aweirdkindofyellow/pseuds/aweirdkindofyellow
Summary: Security or danger? It’s a difficult decision to make. Seduction, trust, love, and games.He’s my securityHe’s intriguingHe makes me feel lovedHe makes everything in me flutterHe’s my homeHe’s my escapeI made a promise to himBut promises are meant for breakingHe’s my one true love*Disclaimer: In no way do I condone cheating.*Includes some mild smut





	1. One

I didn’t have what most considered the perfect life, but it was perfect for me. No, I didn’t live in a large house with a large pool underneath the Hollywood sign. But the people who lived in those houses didn’t have perfect lives either. I loved my life despite sharing a tiny one-bedroom house with my boyfriend. It wasn’t the material things that made me happy, it was the love I shared with my soulmate. All I needed was a roof over my head and food on a plate, but none of that would have been enough without him.  
  
We met in high school. I was the blonde shy girl who had just moved from Kansas during Sophomore year, he was the biggest goofball I had ever met. Somehow, we immediately clicked. His confidence pulled me out of my shell a little and we quickly got to know each other. It didn’t take long until we were dating each other. In a matter of weeks, we were inseparable. Everybody thought we were an amazing couple, even our parents loved us together. They never had a problem with it. Even my over-protective father loved Jack.  
  
I knew he was the one back then and I still knew so now.  
  
Although we had been together for years, we made a promise to each other. Even in high school when everybody around us started doing it, Jack and I vowed to wait until marriage. It was difficult with our peers trying to pressure us into it, but we never gave in. We believed that with the love we felt for each other, waiting would make our marriage that much more magical. In no way was religion involved, just love.  
  
After high school ended, we got our own little house that we could barely afford. It needed a lot of work, but we made it our own. We had worked our asses off all throughout high school just to get some money for our future, we both knew that we wouldn’t be going to college. It was just too expensive and neither of us could afford it. So, we skipped the whole college experience and went straight to work.  
  
Jack was a real-estate broker, working every day while I tried to pursue my singing career. He was such a sweetheart for willing to let me try and live my dream. However, my dream quickly ended. It was difficult to get my name out there and I soon realized that it was unfair to Jack to have to try and keep us going financially. So, I took the one skill I knew from high school and expanded it: babysitting. I became a nanny for the rich people, coming home most nights to Jack but spending my days at other families’ houses.  
  
We were only twenty, but we knew that we were meant for each other. So, despite the fact that we had no money to buy a ring, Jack proposed to me. All I needed was his words and my promise. The ring was just a minor detail, I didn’t need us to waste money on it. I much rather kept the money and save up for our dream wedding. It was what we had been doing for a year, not daring to plan without knowing we had a budget. But I couldn’t wait another five years, so I knew that I needed to take on a new job as soon as I could after the family I used to take care off moved out of state.  
  
That was where Mr. Alexander Gaskarth came in.  
  
One sunny summer afternoon, I made my way to his gated two-story Tuscany-style home. He had contacted me after the family who had to, unfortunately, let me go recommended me. All I knew was that his family situation had recently changed, that he needed a nanny, and that he lived in a beautiful house with an amazing view.  
  
I was let past the gate after ringing the doorbell. To get the front door, I still had to walk past the fountain and silver parked car. By now, I had seen so many large houses and expensive cars, that I had become a usual for me. It was just the environment I worked in.  
  
Once I knocked on the wooden front door, a tall man with tousled brown hair opened the door. He gave me a heart-swooning smile and stepped aside to let me into his home. His appearance was so different from my usual clients. I often worked for people who had kids at a later age during their second marriage, or I worked at the usual rich-guy with trophy wife home. But this guy… he could have been a model if he wanted to. What was somebody like him doing with a child?  
  
“Hi, my name’s Alex, Alex Gaskarth,” he introduced and shook my hand after I entered the cooling environment. “You must be Danielle, right?”  
  
“Yep,” I nodded and shook his hand back, noticing how the stone floor matched so well with the walls, “Danielle Paisley Jonas, but I prefer to be called Paisley.”  
  
“Jonas? Like the Jonas brothers?” He wondered out loud.  
  
“I wish,” I softly laughed despite having gotten that comment ever since their show and movies on Disney Channel became huge.  
  
Soon after, I got to meet his son William, who was named after him. He was just a cute little boy with the same sparkling eyes as his father. I could tell that if he started looking even more like Mr. Gaskarth, he was going to be a heartbreaker. But for now, he was still a child who loved playing with his chewed-down dinosaur toys.  
  
The meeting didn’t last long, William being too tired and shy to fully introduce himself to me. However, that just left more time for me and Mr. Gaskarth to discuss any possible arrangements--I always met with my clients before working for them. He brought out some cold drinks and led me to the sitting area that included a large coffee table made of a slice of wood.  
  
“So, has anybody else worked for you before?” I inquired. It was always a question I asked in case I wanted to know why the previous nanny left. I had avoided some horrible jobs that way. Not all families were as nice as they seemed during the first meeting.  
  
Mr. Gaskarth shook his head and looked down towards his hands and the floor as he sat leaned forward. “No, William’s mother used to be a stay at home mom, but she recently left us…”  
  
I saw that he didn’t have a ring on his left hand, making me wonder if they had been married and had gotten divorced. However, when I looked to my left, I could see a collection of photos on a chest of drawers. All the way to the right of the piece of the furniture was a large photograph of a woman, a lit candle placed in front of it and a chain with a ring hanging from the frame. It was then that I knew this woman hadn’t left like most but had gone up to heaven. Usually, I wouldn’t have worked for a single man, but this situation was different. He wasn’t somebody having a midlife crisis.  
  
We discussed further arrangements after that was cleared. It was mainly about my pay rate, the days and times Mr. Gaskarth required me, and some important details I needed to know about William. I was to be free most weekends unless Mr. Gaskarth needed my help with something, but he promised to warn me well in advance. He even promised to pay extra for those days even though I insisted it wasn’t necessary. I had worked seven days a week from seven am to ten pm before, never getting anything but minimum wage. Mr. Gaskarth, however, seemed to be a lot more generous. With what he was insisting on paying, he was going to be my highest paying client to date.  
  
Maybe my wedding would happen sooner after all.  
  
“I believe Will and I won’t mind having you around here,” he winked as he let me out of his house again, having sealed the deal.  
  
I giggled quietly. “Well, I am looking forward to looking after William for you, Mr. Gaskarth.”  
  
“Please, call me Alex,” he smirked and waved me goodbye.  
  
When I got home, I had a permanent large smile plastered on my face. Getting a job had never gone this easily for me. Often, people would want to think about it for a little while longer, fully thinking out the terms they wanted. I had never gotten a job on the spot before.  
  
When I entered our small yellow wood-board house, I found Jack sitting on the couch. When he heard me come in, he immediately jumped up and came toward me. He was always so excited for me when there was an opportunity.  
  
“And, how did it go?” He asked, jumping a little with anticipation.  
  
“I got the job, baby!” I squealed a little out of excitement, feeling that this was going to be different than my usual jobs. Different in a good way.  
  
Jack kissed me deeply to congratulate me. “I already bought cake to celebrate!”  
  
“I love you so much,” I grinned, knowing he probably had to figure out what exactly he could buy while doing the groceries with the limited budget we had per week.  
  
“I love you too,” he smiled and brought me into a hug before bringing me to the kitchen to celebrate with the cheapest and simplest cake he could find.


	2. Two

My job started at eight in the morning on a Monday. It was a reasonable time for me to start, the drive wasn’t much longer than twenty minutes and I still got to see Jack before I left. Of course, he had a nine to five job, so his schedule was a little different to mine. I started earlier and ended later, but we worked around it. Since we only had one beat up car, I always got to use it for my job since Jack could easily walk on good days or take public transport. We had it all figured out.  
  
I arrived at Mr. Gaskarth’s house at eight on the dot. The gate was already open this time, so I swiftly walked to the front door and rang the doorbell there instead. Apparently, a different sound was heard depending on which one was rung, but I was yet to hear it myself. I waited for a while, wondering if I had rung the right bell or if I had even pressed the right button that wasn’t some light switch. However, before I could try it again, Mr. Gaskarth opened the door.  
  
He looked nowhere as cool and relaxed as when I had first met him. His perfectly tousled hair looked like it had been pulled on out of frustration, his smile was a bit more forced as he let me in, and he in no way looked put together. If he had looked this way when we met, I would have believed he was having the worst midlife crisis a man could have. He was wearing a light blue dress shirt with the collar still up, it not even tucked into his dress pants. He plainly looked like a mess… a _hot_ mess.  
  
I may have stared a little too long at the hair that made me wonder how disheveled he looked after spending a long night making love. I knew that the thoughts were so wrong. I worked for him, I had a boyfriend, I was fully committed to both. But everything in me wanted to let my fingers run through those locks of his to comb it back in place.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Alex apologized, as he tried his best to straighten out his shirt and stuff it into his waistband, “I just remembered I actually had an important meeting that needed me wearing formal clothes, and I’m a little behind.”  
  
“No problem,” I shrugged it off and followed him down to the kitchen while he was stress speedwalking, “I’m happy to take William off your hands while you finish getting ready.”  
  
“Thank you so much, he’s eating breakfast right now…” he mumbled, referring to the young boy sitting at the bar in the kitchen, trying his best to fix his tie. He stuck his tongue out a little as he tried to create the knot, only to let out a frustrated groan when it turned into a weird ball.  
  
I don’t know what it was, but seeing him so bothered was making me feel things. The throaty growl he let out wasn’t helping the unfaithful thoughts going through my mind either. I had been able to push similar thoughts about Jack away before, of course I could do also do it to the thoughts of a strange man. Yet, I couldn’t help but lick my lips a little.  
  
After his third try, I felt a little sympathy. As much as I enjoyed watching him get all frustrated, I needed to offer some aid. “Would you like some help?” I carefully asked.  
  
His eyes snapped up towards me, giving me a wild look. When he realized how stressed he was, he softened up a little and gave me the eyes I knew from our first meeting. “You know how to tie a tie?”  
  
I nodded and walked up to him, taking the tie from his grip. The first thing I did was to straighten out his shirt completely, which didn’t help my intense thoughts. His chest felt more toned than I had originally expected. I could feel the way his body could make me swoon. If it hadn’t raised any suspicions, I would have kept my hands there for a while longer. But I needed to snap myself out of it.  
  
I proceeded to go through all the steps slowly to do the task thoroughly. “I tied my dad’s tie when my grandma passed, I tied my brother’s tie for his prom, I tied it for his graduation, I tied my boyfriend’s tie for our prom, I tied it for our graduation, occasionally I tie it if he just can’t seem to be able to do it before work. You’re next. I guess you can say I’m an expert.”  
  
He was looking down at me, watching me rather than what I was doing. I could feel his eyes inspecting my face, not trying to see how I was tying the tie differently to him. “Boyfriend, huh?”  
  
I nodded softly and pulled the knot tight so it was in the right position. After double checking that it wasn’t too short or too long, I let my fingers hook onto the collar and delicately flattened it out. Before I overstayed my welcome so close to him, I took a step back. It was only then that I realized that he had been closer than I had originally thought. His breath had been against my left cheek, cooling down the soft blush I had. It was only good that I broke away sooner than later.  
  
Mr. Gaskarth didn’t ask any further questions and instead went up to his son. He picked him up from the chair and put him down on the counter, ruffling his hair. “Well, buddy, it’s time for me to go again.”  
  
“No.” William stubbornly pouted and crossed his arms in rebellion.  
  
“Paisley, here, is going to take good care of you,” Mr. Gaskarth continued to tell his son. “I’m pretty sure she has way more time to play dinosaurs with you than I ever had.”  
  
“No,” William repeated, shaking his head as his bottom lip started trembling. It wasn’t long until a few tears he was trying his best to hold back escaped.  
  
“I’m so sorry, buddy,” Mr. Gaskarth hugged his son closely. “I’ll be back before you even know it.”  
  
But William wouldn’t stop crying. Mr. Gaskarth wasn’t sure what to do, I could tell from his posture. On one hand, he had to go to that meeting and couldn’t afford to be late, but on the other he couldn’t leave his son like this. However, that was what I was there for. This was the perfect cue for me to start my job.  
  
“Hey, William, I brought something you might like,” I subtly interrupted and put my handbag on one of the barstools. I pulled out a large children’s book all about dinosaurs and handed it to him so he could hold it in his small hands. “Maybe we could read it together?”  
  
His tears turned into a sniffle and slowly dried away when he saw the large figures on the front cover. I knew he couldn’t read yet, but the visuals were what it was all about. With how obsessed he was with the pre-historic animals, he couldn’t just let something like this not intrigue and distract him.  
  
Mr. Gaskarth seemed to realize that this was something he wasn’t supposed to try and get into. So, he let me put William back on the floor and direct him to go sit in his playroom, that I would be there in a matter of time. It was so much simpler than most parents believed. All you needed was the key to a child's heart. In this case, it was dinosaurs.  
  
“I’m impressed.” Mr. Gaskarth nodded with approval. “But I really should be going now.”  
  
“Ok,” I smiled and closed my bag again, “I’ll clean up the kitchen for you.”  
  
“Oh no, you don’t have to do that.”  
  
“Yes, yes I do. There’s no way I’m going to be working in a house with a messy kitchen.”  
  
He accepted it and lingered for a little longer. Despite him standing a few feet away, I could feel the heat radiating from him and his breath gracing the air with its warmth. He was standing there, just looking at me while I started cleaning the plastic cup and plate William had used. I briefly looked in his direction to see what exactly he was doing to see him just plainly staring at me.  
  
My eyes being on him snapped him out of trance, causing him to shake his head in shock. He cleared his throat loudly and apologized. “Sorry, old habit… I used to kiss my wife goodbye in the kitchen before I left for work.”  
  
I frowned a little, not understanding why he would be staring at me for that reason. With the picture I had seen on the cabinet before, I didn’t look anything like her. She was older, which made sense since Mr. Gaskarth himself was 30, had shorter brown hair, green eyes, and a rounder face. I was just a twenty-year-old blonde girl with generic gray eyes. I couldn’t remind him of his wife other than just plainly standing in the kitchen.  
  
But I acted like I didn’t affect me, and instead behaved like it was the most normal excuse somebody could come up with. “Don’t worry, Mr. Gaskarth, William’s in good hands. If anything happens, I’ll contact you immediately.”  
  
“I know, thank you.” He put on his jacket hanging from a table at the kitchen table and stopped before walking to the front door. “And please, it’s Alex.”  
  
“Ok… _Alex_ …” I nodded as he left the house.  
  
I stayed with William until Mr. Gaskarth came home at six in the evening. The tie was long pulled off, the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned, and his jacket was slung over his shoulder. He obviously had had a long day at work. I offered to help him out with dinner, but he told me that he had it under control and let me go home. So, I did.  
  
Jack was already at home and had cooked us dinner. Whenever I worked, it was his job since he came home earlier. However, if I was home during the weekends, it was mine, as were the days when I didn’t work or was in between jobs. Just like I had said before, we had managed to figure out how to make it all work for us.  
  
We cuddled up on the couch after we had done the dishes together, Jack this time getting the job to wash them while I got the easy job of drying them off. It was part of our whole system. If one of us had a reason to celebrate a little, they got to dry off the dishes instead of doing the dirty work.  
  
“So, how was your first day?” Jack asked, his arm wrapped around me as he pulled me tightly to his chest while the TV was playing softly in the background.  
  
“Pretty good,” I responded, resting my head on his shoulder, my legs already up on his lap. “William’s such a sweet boy. He was so upset when his father had to leave in the morning, though. It was heartbreaking, but the dinosaur book did work.”  
  
“You always know exactly what to do.” He gave me a loving smile and kissed the top of my head. “What does he actually do-- Wait, shouldn’t you have brought two books for when he had to say goodbye to his mother as well?”  
  
“It’s just Mr. Gaskarth,” I shrugged, “although he insists I call him Alex.”  
  
Jack’s voice lowered as he repeated what I said, _“just_ Mr. Gaskarth…?”  
  
“Don’t worry,” I rolled my eyes. Sometimes Jack was very overprotective, which I usually didn’t mind one bit. This time, however, it made me feel like he was accusing me of something. He most likely wasn’t, but the idea of those thoughts immediately came back to my mind. “His wife recently passed away, hence why I’m working there now.”  
  
“Ok…”  
  
“Oh, and I have no idea what he actually does. He never directly told me.”  
  
“What, didn’t you go snooping around?” Jack teased, poking my side a little.  
  
“No, Jack,” I laughed, trying to get away from his tickling touch, “I don’t snoop around. You would go snooping around.”  
  
“Exactly. That’s why I get to help out with selling houses. Snooping around is my job!”  
  
“Oh my god,” I shook my head with a bright smile on my face and sat up a little straighter so I could kiss him.


	3. Three

Mr. Gaskarth had given me a key on my second day already. He claimed that he trusted me completely--which I agreed with but thought was a stupid move on his part because he didn’t know me one bit--and that it would allow me to go outside with William as well. I was fine with receiving the responsibility, making sure to add my key to the designated keychain I had, I just thought it was a little soon. Most families would only give it after a few weeks earliest. Mr. Gaskarth really was a strange man.  
  
Since I had now received a key, I also no longer had to play around with the doorbells, trying to find out which one to use in which case. Instead, I could just enter through the gate if need be, and open the front door without a hassle. I wasn’t exactly sure if Mr. Gaskarth wanted me to announce when I came inside, but I was assuming that he would be finishing off in the kitchen. I just hoped I wouldn’t accidentally scare him by sneaking up.  
  
However, when I entered the kitchen, I was met with a different sight than the other days. And, boy, was it a _sight_. William wasn’t on his usual chair, and Mr. Gaskarth wasn’t standing there to say his goodbyes. No, this time it was Mr. Gaskarth sitting at the bar. That wasn’t what got me flustered, though. He was shirtless. From just the right angle, I would be able to see exactly what I had been fantasizing about just a day or so before.  
  
When he saw me walking into the kitchen, his smile became more inviting and warming. It was like he had expected me to come in now and was ready for it.  
  
“A-- am I early?” I inquired, trying to swallow away the feeling brooding inside of me.  
  
“Nope,” he popped the ‘p’ and took the last scoop of corn flakes still left in his bowl. “I only need to be at work at ten-thirty, so I’m having a slow morning.”  
  
I nodded and quickly looked away, putting my bag up on the opposite counter to make it seem like I was busy doing something. However, I also knew that just standing there wouldn’t look good either. So, while still acting like I was either looking for something or putting something away, I asked, “is there anything I should do? Maybe wake up William?”  
  
“Nah, I checked up on him when I went down for breakfast. He was still sleeping soundly, no reason for him to be woken up yet,” Mr. Gaskarth replied as if he had already expected the question.  
  
The only option he left me was for me to turn back around and look at him. He was still sitting, so there wasn’t much for me to see, but just knowing that I could easily see him was making me burn inside. Just a few inches more, and I would be able to see the muscles I wanted to trace with my fingers.  
  
“How about I clean up your dishes, then?” I suggested next, looking around the place to desperately find something to do.  
  
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll do that myself.” He winked and swiftly got up from the barstool.  
  
Immediately his chest was on full display for me. All the images I had imagined before were washed away as I was met with the reality. Unlike I had hoped, it was even better than I thought. His muscles didn’t protrude much, but just enough for him to look nothing like your average 30-year-old dad.  
  
I gulped as he walked closely past me and to the dishwasher. It was like he was doing it on purpose to torture me. He bent over slowly, the muscles in his back contracting as he reached out to pull out the first drawer to put away his glass and then to put away his plate on the lower level. I was so mesmerized by how every movement was visible on his skin. I could just stare at him for an entire day and be satisfied with my entertainment.  
  
When he stood back up straight, closing the dishwasher on his way up, he turned to me with a smirk on his face. He came a little closer and leaned against the counter just three feet away from me. His comment did not match his seductive behavior. “I’m sorry for making you start so early when I’m still at home. I would love to let you start later, but I never know which days I start late or early except for the day before. I’d rather give you a fixed schedule, you know?”  
  
It was like all I could do was nod in his presence. “Yeah… that’s fine. It’s not your fault your job calls for it. Speaking of which,” I tried to stop thinking about Mr. Gaskarth, distracting myself with thoughts of Jack, but only my recent conversation with him came back to mind, “what do you actually do?”  
  
His smirk intensified. “I do some work for a record label. Sometimes I recruit new people, sometimes I sign people, other times I just do paperwork. Nothing much.”  
  
My heartbeat started racing. Every single time I found a way I could possibly still live my dream of becoming a singer, my body would want me to do everything to get it. However, I knew I couldn’t do anything. I respected the work-relationship I had now with Mr. Gaskarth, I wasn’t going to take advantage of it like that. Plus, if I had actually been any good, I wouldn’t have been a nanny in the first place. He obviously worked for a place that was pretty well recognized.  
  
Before my heart rate could calm down, Mr. Gaskarth made a movement that made me melt inside. He was stood in front of me, standing on his toes, and reaching over me to open a cupboard above me. It was like he had purposely not asked me to move away while he grabbed something.  
  
“Hmm, would you like some coffee too?” He asked me, staying in the position longer as he wondered whether or not to take a mug out for me as well.  
  
My cheeks flushed red as I had a face to face confrontation with the one thing I was trying to get out of my mind. I knew that I would be getting flashbacks to this for the rest of eternity. I could barely breathe.  
  
“I’m fine thanks,” I quickly mumbled, both wanting him to move away as soon as possible and wanting him to never move away. “I don’t really drink coffee.”  
  
“What, no?” he questioned, surprise in his voice as he moved away, still two mugs in his hand. He walked over to the coffee machine and made himself a large cup. “How do you manage to look so awake?”  
  
I shrugged, trying to look anywhere but him so I wouldn’t have to face my distraction and so he couldn’t see my flushed face. “I just drink tea…”  
  
“Tea and beauty sleep,” he nodded and promptly filled the other cup with hot water (also done through the coffee machine), “it’s definitely paying off.”  
  
My blush had barely gotten the time to calm down, and I was already being heated up again. I wanted nothing more than to hide away as he pulled out a random tea bag and threw it into the water. He didn’t even ask what tea I wanted, like he already knew exactly what I would like.  
  
“Well, here you go.” He came up to me and handed me the mug.  
  
As I took my first sip, he subtly moved closer to me. My mug stayed at my mouth as I watched him come closer, not being able to look away from his deep brown eyes. I didn’t know what he was doing to me, but I was in a trance. He sneaked his empty hand up toward my mug and carefully pulled it away from my face. I kept staring at him, hearing my heartbeat in my ears. He didn’t stop coming closer and closer. Our breath starting mixing together, turning into a hot concoction. Just a little further and my fantasy would come true.  
  
But just before the last inch was closed, my first kiss with Jack arose from my memory. We both had been so nervous. Both of us wanted it to happen, yet we were so oblivious to the other’s feelings. Eventually, Jack just mumbled a ‘fuck it’ and was the one who closed the distance like it was an all or nothing situation. It probably was. After that, we were inseparable.  
  
I quickly put my cup on the counter and stepped to the side, carefully choosing my words. “It’s too _scalding_ , I’m going to wait a little bit. I think I’ll go wake William up.”  
  
Without waiting for Mr. Gaskarth to tell me it wasn’t necessary yet, I walked out of the kitchen and b-lined to the stairs to go up to William’s bedroom.


	4. Four

Mr. Gaskarth had asked me if I would be willing to stay for dinner the next day almost immediately after I came back to the kitchen with William in tow. I knew I couldn’t decline. Something inside me was telling me that he didn’t actually need me there to help, but that he wanted to figure out what had happened between us. However, there also was a chance that he actually did need me. I didn’t want to risk losing my job just because of my own selfish reasons. Maybe I had over analyzed everything that had happened.  
  
The day itself, I tried not to overthink it. I used to cook dinner for many of the families I worked for. It was easier and it was how I ended the day. Sometimes, I would eat with them, other times I’d eat with Jack. Speaking of him, because I had done it so often, he was completely fine with me not coming home for dinner. Especially since I told him that Mr. Gaskarth was intending to be home early and have dinner early for William. Part of me hoped he would give me a good reason not to, that I wouldn’t have to face my feelings again, but another part of me was begging that he would let me go.  
  
I went out with William to the supermarket to buy some groceries. Now that I had a key, I didn’t need to bring things from home or ask Mr. Gaskarth to buy items for me. I wasn’t sure what he meant when he asked for dinner. Was it supposed to be something fancy or something more suitable for William? I assumed the latter. There was no way otherwise that he would ask me to cook for him if he came home at five himself.  
  
So, as four-thirty started creeping up on me, I started cooking. I pulled out all the ingredients I bought earlier and started looking around for all the non-food things I needed. For example, I had no clue where the pans were. I spent ages trying to find them until I realized I didn’t even need one, I needed a pot. Since the kitchen was so large, I opened and closed so many different drawers and cupboards. It was always the last one that had what I needed. I wasn’t even smart enough to pull out something I did need when I saw it while looking for something else.  
  
I was just slipping the cooked carrots into a blender when Mr. Gaskarth came home. The sound of his keys hitting the wooden table at the front door notified me of his presence. My body immediately tensed up and my heart started beating fast. I wanted nothing more than to be around him, but at the same time, I was so afraid.  
  
“What are you doing?” Was the first thing he said when he entered the kitchen to greet me.  
  
“Blending carrots,” I answered and I put the lid on the blender. When I knew it was on securely, I pressed the button that looked like it would turn on the whole machine. The horrifying chopping noise filled the room and I turned around to face him as I leaned back against the counter.  
  
He looked at me, a smirk quickly appearing on his face. I crossed my arms and raised a brow at him, causing his sly smile to intensify. He started saying something to me, but I couldn’t understand a thing. The noise was too loud and I wasn’t exactly a pro at lip reading. So, I mouthed back ‘sorry, can’t hear you, I’m blending carrots’. He copied my posture, eyebrow and all. After I believed I had teased him long enough, I turned off the blender.  
  
“What I was saying,” Mr. Gaskarth started as soon as the blender stopped, “was that I fully intended on ordering in when I asked you over for dinner, but I’m cool with this too.”  
  
So he did ask me to have dinner with him just to have me around longer, not because he actually needed help cooking dinner. The realization only made the fuzzy feeling in my stomach increase.  
  
“It’s part of my job, Mr. Gaskarth,” I shrugged and turned back around to continue working on my dinner. I was just lucky I didn’t have anything cooking yet, or it would have been overcooked by now. He was too much of a distraction.  
  
“What did I say about you calling me that?” He sounded closer than he was before. “It’s Alex.”  
  
“Right,” I nodded and started boiling water for the pasta, turning on a timer, “Alex. I won’t make that mistake again.”  
  
“Good, ‘cause it makes me feel really old.” Even closer.  
  
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’re the youngest person I’ve ever worked for,” I retorted and poured my mixture into a pan I decided I actually did have to use.  
  
I felt a light tugging on my hair--which had always been up in a ponytail every time I came over--causing shivers to run down my spine. It continued until I felt something being pulled down until my hair cascaded down and fell onto my shoulders.  
  
“I like your hair down, you should wear it like this more often,” Alex whispered in my ear, touching my shoulder gingerly.  
  
I turned around and held my hand out to get my hair tie back. However, he just shook his head at me and stuffed it into his pocket. Once again, I crossed my arms at him.  
  
“How do you even know you like it like this without ever having seen me with it down,” I challenged. I wasn’t going to let this be a one-sided thing. He couldn’t just take control of me like that.  
  
He bit his lip, making my stomach drop, and gave me a suggestive look. “I can see now, can’t I?”  
  
“Well, I like it up more, because it stays out of my face.”  
  
“Then you just do this.” Once again, his hand raised up to the level of my face. Since there was no cup to move out of the way this time, he tucked the hair that was just a little too far in front of my eyes behind my left ear.  
  
I stared up at him as he moved his hand a few inches away again. However, it never went back to his side. There was a slight hesitation in his movement, but eventually it managed to find it’s place of my left cheek. I didn’t flinch away nor did I lean into the touch. I just let him do his thing. Just like last time, he came closer, but not as slow and I also didn’t stop him. In no time, his lips were pressed against mine.  
  
I had never properly kissed anybody other than Jack before, but that was the last thing on my mind. I could feel Alex’s surprisingly soft lips in the only way I would have ever wanted to. The mixture of his sweet scent with his manly cologne filled my nostrils, flaring up all my senses. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest, giving me the adrenaline to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. He dropped his own hand and let it go down to my waist instead. His fingertips pressed through my clothes and into my skin, getting me to press my body completely against him.  
  
The kiss kept getting deeper and deeper, faster and faster. After he had pushed me against the counter, the cold stone contrasting greatly to his hot touch, he raised me up and made me sit on it. I brought him closer by pushing him with my feet so that my legs were around his hips. With the pulsing inside my body becoming unbearable, I tugged on his hair.  
  
And then the timer went off.  
  
I pushed Alex off out of fright, afraid that somebody had just caught us. However, it was just an alarm telling me the sauce and the pasta were supposed to be finished. I stared at Alex, unsure of what had just happened and what to think of it. It felt so right, but I knew every part of it was wrong.  
  
“I’ll finish putting this together and get William,” Alex walked up to my creation, seeing that all that had to be done was mixing the two together, “you can go and get changed.”  
  
“Get changed?” I asked and carefully slipped off the counter. My legs were shakier than I thought they were. My entire body was trembling with excitement. I was doing something so stupid, but nothing was stopping me.  
  
Alex nodded and pulled a flat cardboard box off one of the barstools. “I got you something.”  
  
He handed the box to me and ushered me to go to and get changed before I could take a peek. I had no idea what he was making me wear--it could have been a super risque outfit that he had some fetish for--but I still tiptoed to the nearest bathroom.  
  
Before I stripped off all my own clothes, I lifted the lid from the box. It wasn’t some trampy outfit. It was nothing like that. Inside was a beautiful velvet dress. As I pulled it out, I was even more amazed. The color was such a deep burgundy that it almost looked purple. It must have cost a fortune. As much as I believed I wasn’t worthy of it, I couldn’t help but try it on.  
  
Somehow, Alex had guessed my size. It fit perfectly, just covering my butt. The neckline went all the way up to my neck and the sleeves were short. Although the dress style itself didn’t seem all that special, the material made it look astonishing. It would have gone perfectly with a nice pair of heels, but all I had for now was my white original vans. I hoped it wouldn’t ruin the grandeur of the dress.  
  
Throughout dinner, Alex kept giving me looks that I couldn’t place. I had never experienced them before, but every time I saw him looking at me that way, everything inside me heated up. It was strange, but I couldn’t get enough of it.  
  
When we finished, Alex went up to bring William to bed. That left me to clean up the dishes. I probably should have used that alone time to cool down and rethink everything I had done. I should have thought about Jack and what I was doing to him. I should have noticed that I could ruin everything I had just with the wrong move. But the lust was too overpowering. All I could think about was that fierce kiss I had shared with Alex. He was consuming my mind.  
  
And I was consuming his.  
  
Once again, he sneaked up behind me, only this time while I had finished putting all the dishes in the dishwasher. His hands started on my sides and slowly glided forward as his chest started touching my back. I move my head to the side a little as he pulled all my hair to the left and started kissing my neck. They were nothing like the quick cute kisses Jack would give me when I was working in the kitchen. These were sensual and craftily placed to make me yearn.  
  
Although his hands got to roam wherever he wanted them to, he decided it wasn’t enough and turned me around. I pressed my sweaty palms against the nape of his neck as he continued making my heart flutter with every kiss he placed. All I needed was something to steady myself on as my knees became weak and my eyes slipped closed.  
  
Either Alex felt me slipping away, or he felt the need to change positions, because he had me up on the counter again in no time. His lips trailed all the way from my neck up to my mouth all while his calm hot breath caused goosebumps on my skin. My hands were still cupped at his neck, both as a guide for me and a way for me to hold on. I could feel his dry fingers start halfway up my thighs. With this dress he made me wear, my skin was more than just tingling.  
  
His touch kept going up further until his palms also fell flat against my skin. My mind was unsure whether to focus on the addicting taste Alex left behind or his touch making me feel urges I had never experienced at this level before. One was just as entrancing as the other.  
  
When he continued further up my legs and slightly more inward, my heart skipped a beat. Just like before, my eyes snapped open, and I pushed him away. Only, this time, he was only at arm's length and both of our hands were still on each other.  
  
“I-- I can’t.” I shook my head. I knew exactly what I was about to let myself do, I couldn’t actually go that far. All this time, I had waited. I couldn’t just throw it all away for the man I worked for.  
  
Alex nodded in agreement, but his gaze kept flickering between my eyes and my lips. “We shouldn’t.”  
  
“I have a boyfriend,” I tried to justify my decision, although I was only trying to convince myself, “and you have a wife who… who…”  
  
“... passed away,” he finished my sentence.  
  
It wasn’t enough to persuade either of us. As quickly as I had pushed him off, he also came back to me. We fell back into the hasty and impatient pace we had shared during our first kiss. Neither of us could resist the other.  
  
But, I had to push him away again.  
  
“Right, right,” Alex shook his head, trying to snap himself out of it, “we--”  
  
“I’m a virgin,” I blurted out, the heat present on my cheeks quadrupling.  
  
“Oh…” He looked at me and slowly started retracting his hands. “Shit. Fuck, I--”  
  
Although he wasn’t gone yet, I was already missing his presence. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him back to me. Everything was telling us not to do this, but I couldn’t care anymore. I needed him, I craved him. He wasn’t going to be let off the hook so easily. I wanted him more than anything else in my life.  
  
Alex’s grip went from on top of my legs to the bottom, just below my ass. Before it became uncomfortable, he was hoisting me up from the counter, his hands becoming my only life source, and I was messily brought up the stairs and into his bedroom.


	5. Five

I woke up disoriented and lost. When I let my left arm lie beside me, if fell off the edge of the bed. While it didn’t seem like anything was out of the ordinary, everything was out of place. I always slept on the right side of the bed, I had ever since Jack and I spent the night together for the first time. Either I had crawled over him during my sleep, or he had disappeared. No matter what, though, I had never been such a wild sleeper.  
  
And then I remembered.  
  
I remembered Alex bringing me to his bed, I remembered how his touch felt on my bare skin, I remembered the sweat that glazed both our bodies, I remembered losing what I had planned to keep until my wedding day. Somehow, I had let myself get carried away and be put under a spell. But I couldn’t lie. I had never felt such a euphoric feeling like the one I had felt that night.  
  
Still, I shot upright, the reality of what I had done settling in. I looked around the dark room. To my right, I saw Alex sleeping on his stomach, his body just as exposed as mine. The room itself was just as big as my living room, dining room, and kitchen combined. At the foot of the bed, the beautiful dress Alex had given to me was thrown to the floor like trash. It was like I was trapped in a prison.  
  
As my gaze shot over Alex’s body, I found a digital clock flashing the time. Just like the harsh color of the orange numbers, I felt panic spreading through my entire body. It was past midnight. I had promised Jack that I would be back fairly early. It was way past early. He must have been worrying his ass off.  
  
I tried my best not to make the mattress shake as I placed my feet firmly on the floor. Checking over my shoulder to see if Alex was still asleep, I pushed myself up. I never had to sneak out of a room before, let alone after I had slept with somebody. The past few hours, I had way too many new experiences than any person should be having.  
  
After looking around the floor without any light, I finally found my underwear and slipped it on. The pair didn’t match at all and nothing about them was seductive. I had never had a reason to care, I didn’t need to do it for Jack and I didn’t want to tempt myself. While most people did prefer one over the other, Alex didn't seem to mind one bit. Sex was probably clouding his thoughts too much.  
  
I put on the dress and tiptoed toward the door that was open just a few inches. It was my small slither to escape. However, before I could get to the opening, Alex started stirring. His eyes must have fallen on me as soon as he opened them, because he fully woke up.  
  
“Where are you going?” he asked, his voice sounding more awake and less raspy than it should have.  
  
“Home,”’ I stated bluntly and let my fingers curl around the door handle before adding a whisper for myself, “to Jack.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
I nearly snorted. Did he really think I could stay here? This room was filled with scandals. I couldn’t stay here longer than necessary, the crimes were becoming too heavy to carry. Just his presence gave me chills. I had let a stranger take away my last part of innocence.  
  
“I need to go home,” I repeated, not daring to look back at the dark abyss that was the same color as my shame.  
  
“You need to be here in a few hours again. Why leave now?” he continued to press as if he could really convince me to crawl back in bed with him.  
  
I didn’t say another word and left the house.  
  
When I arrived home, it was just as dark as back at Alex’s place. All the lights were switched off and I wouldn’t dare turn one on out of fright that I would wake Jack up. I left my shoes at the front door and sneaked into our bedroom. In our bed, which was nearly twice as small as Alex’s, Jack was sleeping soundly, hugging his pillow close to his head. His lips always parted a little, making him look so cute. Watching him only made the guilt worse.  
  
My eyes started watering as I went to get my pajamas from the chair in the corner of the room. As my vision became blurrier by the second, I tried to walk while already barely being able to see anything. Just to my luck, I loudly walked against our dresser, knocking over a few things that were stood on top.  
  
“Pays?” Jack mumbled, his head raised a little from his pillow to look at me.  
  
“I’m sorry…” I whispered, my voice trembling worse than I wanted it to. I had no right to start crying. This was all my doing.  
  
“Are you ok?”  
  
I nodded, feeling a tear drop down my nose as I looked at the floor. “Just stubbed my toe…”  
  
“I’d say I’d kiss it better, but I do believe that would be a little weird this time,” he chuckled back at me.  
  
I didn’t deserve him.  
  
“Hey, where did you get that dress?” he asked me after I hadn’t said anything for a little while. I was surprised that he even noticed what I was wearing without being able to see properly with how dark it was.  
  
I knew where I got the dress; I knew it had been a gift from Alex, which was given for no particular reason at all. But I couldn’t tell Jack that. He couldn’t know. But, you see, I was a terrible liar. I always had been. I didn’t know why I thought I would have gotten away with this when I let Alex kiss me and touch me. All my lies were either horrible content-wise, or my tone just didn’t work. It was why I was such a goody-two-shoes… or why I had been one.  
  
“I spilled pasta sauce on my clothes, Alex gave this to me to get changed into,” I easily told him, making myself frown at how realistic it sounded. I didn’t even need to think about what I wanted to say. It came out so naturally.  
  
“Oh, that’s nice of him,” Jack replied. He knew how bad I was at lying. With how I sounded, he couldn’t do anything but believe me. To him, if I had actually been lying, I would have been stuttering and told him it had just fallen out of the sky.  
  
“Yeah…” I sighed as another tear dropped down from my eyes and hit the carpet at my feet. I felt even worse for not telling him the truth, yet I couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry I’m late. Alex got called back to work, so I stayed back until he was done.”  
  
“I understand, of course you couldn’t leave the kid alone. You did the right thing.”  
  
No, I didn’t do the right thing. I had done anything but the right thing. I shouldn’t have let Alex almost kiss me that one morning, I shouldn’t have let him kiss me at all, I shouldn’t have let him give me a dress, and I shouldn’t have let him take my virginity. All of it was wrong. However, the hidden lust deep inside of me would only grow every single time I remembered a specific detail, whether it be when he was taking me or when he was touching my hair.  
  
“Alex is a good guy,” I agreed, trying to find something positive, “I wouldn’t let his three-year-old son stay at home alone.”  
  
“I see he’s managed to convince you to call him Alex,” Jack pointed out.  
  
I hadn’t even realized it, but I had started calling him by his first name.  
  
“How was it, though?” he questioned next, long forgotten about his sleep and more interested in my day.  
  
“How was what?” I retorted quickly, my eyes snapping towards him. Did he know? Did he know that I had been unfaithful?  
  
“Dinner, of course,” he laughed, taking my comment lightly as if I was just playing oblivious. “Well, that is without you spilling pasta sauce.”  
  
“It was good… very good…” My lips twitched into a smile a little. All I could think about was how Alex made my back curve as his fingers glided over my skin and how his kisses made me feel like I was on fire.  
  
I picked up my pajamas and went to the bathroom to change. My tears and guilt had dried up more than they should have.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning

For the first time in my entire career, I came late without having a real reason. I couldn’t even say that I had overslept, as bad as an excuse that already was. The entire night, I was tossing and turning. Whenever I closed my eyes, I could only see Alex. I would see him leaning forward to kiss me, I would see him hovering over me, I could even still feel his fingers wrapped tightly around my wrists as he brushed his lips behind my ear. It was so wrong with Jack sleeping next to me.  
  
I claimed that Alex had told me to come in later when Jack woke up and saw me nowhere close to being ready to leave. Despite having gotten up at six in the morning like usual, I was sat at the table in my pajamas, my bowl of off-brand cereal untouched. I thought that eating breakfast with Jack would have maybe helped me feel better about everything, but I had to force myself to look at him. He didn’t even notice that something was wrong.  
  
I offered to drive him to work so that I could say goodbye to him. Obviously, he happily accepted it. Usually, I would do it because I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. This time, I only did it because I was procrastinating. I didn’t want to face Alex again. I was even praying that he wouldn’t be home despite the fact that he couldn’t leave until I was there.  
  
When I finally did, it was almost midday. I entered using my key, hoping I could just sneak in without him realizing. But what was the point of doing my job if the person I worked for didn’t even know? I was useless if he didn’t have something for me to do. Yet, going around the house to find him also made me rethink how I was going about everything.  
  
Just to my luck, Alex found me before I even noticed him. I had entered the house, softly closing the heavy wooden door behind me, and had hung up my light jacket on the coat rack. As I started into the entrance hall, he already saw me. His study was next to the entrance, giving him view of whoever walked through the foyer.  
  
“I thought you weren’t going to show up anymore,” his voice came from behind me, causing me to turn around and see him sitting at his grand dark-wood desk. He had his laptop open and paper scattered around, a black pen in his right hand.  
  
I just stared back at him, unsure about how my fear of his actions had done a full one-eighty just at the sight of him. All my doubts turned into a want, my shame turned into a desire, and my guilt turned into a need. Just seeing him in front of me made me crave him. All my overthinking from the night before was insignificant.  
  
“I had to call work and tell them I couldn’t come in so I could take care of Will,” Alex continued, putting down his pen on the table and linking his fingers together.  
  
I ambled toward him as some invisible force was dragging me. My delicate footsteps were the only noise in the room until I stopped just a foot away from his desk. I needed to end this once and for all. Even when Alex stood up and towered over me, I knew I couldn’t let him change my mind.  
  
“What happened last night can’t happen again,” I stated, my feet sturdy on the floor and knees locked. “It was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened.”  
  
“Agreed,” Alex nodded, looking down at me, his hands in the pockets of his black skinny jeans.  
  
Still, I felt like I had the need to explain myself, even if it wasn’t for him but for me. “I had planned to wait until marriage despite the fact that I’ve been in a relationship for five years. I ruined that. If it stops now, I can still hope to forget.”  
  
“Ok,” he kept his nod going that continued through my elaboration. “I understand.”  
  
“Good.” I crossed my arms and looked straight ahead, meaning I was once again looking at his chest. It was like it was always there when I was having a change of heart. This time, it wasn’t making my urges worse. What did happen, however, was that the urges in the back of my mind weren’t getting any less loud.  
  
“Yeah, we can move past this,” Alex replied, catching my attention and making me look up. I hadn’t expected him to say anything back anymore.  
  
Looking at him was a horrible mistake. Not only was I now literally facing my problem, but I was able to remember exactly why the problem had started in the first place. I could only remember how his stubble scratched against my skin as he kept changing the position of his kisses and how his hair stuck to his forehead in strands as he was looking me in the eyes, his face full pleasure.  
  
It made me want to take back everything I said. There was so much tension.  
  
“Fuck it,” he was no longer nodding his head, replacing the gesture with a shake instead, “I can’t.”  
  
I didn’t dare push him away as he came onto me. Our teeth clashed together in desperation. As much as I knew I had to stop, I physically couldn’t. Alex was the drug that needed to feed my addiction. I would do anything to get my fix, even if it meant cheating on the man I was supposed to marry.  
  
My arms linked around his neck, pulling him down so I could kiss him more comfortably. He didn’t smell the same as the day before. There was no fresh cologne, only the smell of a dark shower gel he had probably used to wash off the sweat we had accumulated the day before. As sticky as I had felt the night before, I only wanted to experience it again. Everything about him made the tingling inside of me become unbearable.  
  
Alex pushed his hand into the small of my back, causing me to step closer. The pressure continued to build until there was a connection between both our bodies. I gasped at the frictionless contact, creating an abrupt break in our kiss. I needed him to help me find a cure for the heat spreading throughout.  
  
With the small break in place, Alex firmly gripped my hips and pushed me down until I was sat on his desk. He resumed the kiss and leaned over more than necessary to push away all the objects on the desk that were in the way, including his laptop. I pulled on his t-shirt, not satisfied with the lack of contact this position was giving us.  
  
To compensate, his hands slipped up the bottom of my plain white shirt. His grip wasn’t gentle at all, probably leaving bruises nearly as big as his fingerprints. It didn’t hurt, it only made me crave him more. I lusted after his touch.  
  
Just seconds after, he pulled off the shirt over my head, making me raise my arms up. As I was sat there in my bra that I once again hadn’t chosen carefully, he went down to work on my jeans. He popped the button and slowly started pulling the garment off my legs, leaving it inside out. For every few inches he uncovered, he placed a sensual kiss, sucking on my skin a little to notify me of his presence.  
  
He worked his way back up my body, still fully clothed himself. I didn’t know better, so I let him do what he needed to. The only thing I was sure of was that I was having my desired effect on him. He could no longer hide in those black skinny jeans of his. It was obvious that he had either bought them a few sizes too small, or something was happening to make them look tighter.  
  
After I was momentarily distracted by his lips finding their way on mine again, he let his rough hands slide to my back and unclasped my bra, gracefully moving the straps down my arms. He didn’t stop there. With the top half of my body fully exposed, he moved back to the lower region. However, instead of taking off my panties, he let his hand slip into them.  
  
I moaned when his fingers moved gingerly. My head fell back in bliss, my lips breaking away from Alex’s. With my longing finally directly addressed, my toes curled as the enjoyment buzzed through me. I had to put my hands behind me on the desk so I could lean backward and stabilize the shaking.  
  
Since my eyes were closed, I couldn’t see what Alex was doing. Imagine the annoyance I felt when Alex stopped what he was doing. His hand moved out of my panties, making me whine in desperation. I opened my eyes to beg him to return to see him standing two steps away, admiring me from afar.  
  
“A-lex,” I groused and kicked my feet a little in frustration.  
  
He put his finger to his lips and lightly shook his head at me. Before I could show another sign of irritation, he took his own shirt off. Once again, his chest was out on display to torture me. Something about that part of his body just got me going. But, just like when he was undressing me, he didn’t leave it there. My eyes went wide when he took off his own jeans and his boxers soon followed.  
  
I could help but stare. Despite the fact that I had grown up with an older brother and had a long-term boyfriend, I had never seen a man like this. The last time I had seen something similar was back in health class. The night before, everything had been so dark that I couldn’t see what we were doing. Now, though, I could inspect everything. It was impressive.  
  
He came back over to me and ran his fingers through my hair as if to comfort me before he removed my panties. I lied down on my back while he kept leaning closer and closer. His elbows were on either side of my face to steady himself.  
  
He started kissing my neck to divert my attention from him slowly pushing into me. From last night, he had already figured out that touching my neck would turn me into a mess. Something about it made my senses go into overdrive. The graze of his slightly chapped lips made tingles shoot throughout me, the sensual contact would make my eyes slip closed, and the slightly alternating pattern would make my heart flutter.  
  
It didn’t hurt much. Compared to the night before, there was barely any pain. However, the circumstances had been different. We weren’t as rushed despite the pace we were going at this time, I was no longer a virgin, and Alex knew my body better. I could only imagine the things he could do after we had been doing this for a while.  
  
Alex was rocking back and forth above me, the table creaking along with my small quiet moans that kept escaping. With his face still buried in my neck and the heavy pressure on my lower abdomen increasing at a continuous rate, I dug my fingernails underneath his shoulder blades to hold on as everything inside me was released. I had to bite on the skin exposed where his neck connected to his shoulder to muffle the loud unreeling sound I let out.  
  
I felt like I was floating. The wooden desk that was uncomfortably knocking on my back disappeared. All that was left was the temporary bliss Alex had caused. My limbs felt light, my mind felt clear. Everything was at it’s best.  
  
But the feeling also had to end. When I came back down, Alex pulled out and spilled all over my stomach, his own face contorting as he reached his own high. While he was still enjoying the feeling as long as he could, I tried desperately to catch my breath.  
  
I knew that my skin would stick to the varnish as soon as I tried to get up, so I lied as still as I could. A content smile crept up onto my lips. It was fate that brought me and Alex together. He was here to make me experience things I had never experienced before. There was no way I could have ever broken this off.  
  
Eventually, Alex stood up again and looked at me with a smirk on his face. I was still trying to compose myself. I knew that if I tried to follow him, my knees would give out and I would go tumbling. Before I did that, I needed to regain my strength.  
  
“Are we really going to do this?” he asked me, walking to the chest of drawers behind his desk and pulling out multiple tissues.  
  
I nodded and tried to move a little to get my skin to stop sticking to the furniture. “I guess.”  
  
His smirk increased in size, showing me he was more than happy with my answer. He used the tissues to clean up the mess on my stomach, simply throwing them into his trash can that was just a few feet away. It was so surreal to know I had actually just had sex in an office on a desk. I had never thought I would be doing it.  
  
He held out a hand for me, which I took, and pulled me up. “Guess you might want to take a shower. You don’t want to smell like sex when you go home now, do you?”  
  
“No, I don’t,” I answered with a smug look on my face.  
  
We were actually doing this.


	7. Seven

I would love to say that I could still control myself around Alex whenever we saw each other, but it wasn’t all that easy. If he’d have time before work, we’d have sex, if he’d come home early, we’d have sex, and if he left early and came back late, I’d make dinner and we’d have sex afterward. I was addicted to him. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if I went a day without my fix.  
  
It was another day where I was waiting for him to come home since he left immediately after I arrived. I just distracted myself by playing with Will and doing some household work. Although I did initially only come over to be a nanny, I now also did a lot of cooking and all the laundry. The only thing I didn’t need to do was actually clean up the house, which I honestly hated doing.  
  
Every evening, I still came back to Jack. Although I did eat dinner with Alex and Will more often than not, I still went home. Jack didn’t suspect a thing. He’d be waiting in the living room until I got home unless I warned him that I was going to be late. I just did my best to make sure I never came back as late as I had done that first night. It would have been way too suspicious if that happened on a regular basis.  
  
For some reason, Alex started paying me more. I told him there was no need to, that I already got more from him than I ever had expected, but he insisted. He claimed that it was because I didn’t just look after Will, but also did other stuff around the house. Something told me, though, that our affair had something to do with it. It was too much of a coincidence for it not to be.  
  
I had just finished folding the freshly washed linen that came from Alex’s bed. Although I originally did only do William’s stuff, I thought it was my responsibility also to make sure Alex’s bed was nice and clean. Even if it was only because I also spent a fair amount of time in it as well. I just had never actually slept in it except for the first time we slept together.  
  
My hair was up in its ponytail again as I walked out of the laundry room, which was on the ground floor, and went to the foyer where the stairs were. Whenever I actually did work or played with William, I made sure that my hair was still out of my face. I couldn’t stand it getting in the way when I was bending over to collect the laundry from the washing machine, nor did I want to risk William accidentally pulling on my hair. It had happened more often than not at my previous jobs. However, as soon as Alex came back home, I would pull the hair tie out and ruffle it a bit to make it look messy. It was how he liked it.  
  
This time, I could hear him enter the house just before I walked into the foyer. So, I stopped in the hallway just before and tugged the hair tie out, shaking my head from side to side so it would look a little untamed.  
  
To my surprise, Alex wasn’t the only one who was stood on the large circular carpet. He had brought two friends along. There were two other men whose attention I immediately got when I entered the corner of their eyes. They looked at me in both surprise and confusion. Their reasons were probably very different from each other, as I knew one of them quite well.  
  
“Paisley?” The man whose name I knew was Zack Merrick asked despite knowing for a fact that it was me. It was more a reaction that showed recognition and surprisal than anything. “I haven’t seen you in ages!”  
  
“You guys know each other?” Alex inquired, his jaw tightening and body going rigid. He did not seem happy and was trying to hide it.  
  
“Yeah,” Zack nodded in excitement and gestured to me, “her brother’s my best friend. I’m his son’s godfather, actually.”  
  
Alex nodded, his muscles slowly losing tension. He couldn’t actually be jealous, could he? He knew that I had been with Jack ever since I moved here, and he knew I had never slept with anybody. Obviously, Zack wasn’t a threat in any way. It would have never happened, he was seven years older. But then again, I was sleeping with Alex, who was ten years older than me…  
  
“Oh, this is Tom’s sister!” The other guy exclaimed, putting one and one together. Only, I had no idea who he was. He obviously knew my brother, even if it was just by name and some basic details. I later found out that his name was Rian and that he worked as a producer.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Zack continued to ask me. “You can’t be the girl looking after Will… didn’t you get that scholarship?”  
  
I shook my head softly, still tightly holding onto the sheets in my hands. “No… well, yes. But it was only a partial scholarship, so it didn’t really change anything.”  
  
The look Alex was giving me was shooting shivers down my spine. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. On one hand, he looked like he was about to sweep me off my feet and up into his bedroom, but on the other there was also sympathy. I was almost afraid he would offer to pay for my tuition just because we were having an affair. I was not the person to have a sugar daddy. Besides, he was way too young for that.  
  
“Oh, sorry…” Zack frowned, understanding that it was a slightly sensitive subject, especially since my brother had dropped out himself when he was in his second year despite being financed by my grandparents, meaning I couldn’t go anymore--I was only thirteen when I knew that college wasn’t an option for me unless I got a full scholarship. “But what about you and Jack. You still getting married?”  
  
“The intention is to do so…” I carefully nodded, my gaze briefly moving over to Alex, seeing his face harden again. “But right now we’re first trying to build up a budget before we start planning.”  
  
Before Zack could continue his questioning, Alex jumped in and interrupted. “You never told me you were getting married.” He threw his keys on the usual table and started in the direction of the kitchen as if it was just some simple remark.  
  
“I guess it never came up,” I shrugged and slowly made my own way toward the stairs, knowing that this was most likely where Alex and his friends were going to separate away from me. “Plus, I usually keep my private and work life separate.”  
  
He hummed in response as if the answer wasn’t even a little bit important to him. Really, I didn’t think it mattered. Even if Jack and I weren’t engaged, it should have been obvious to him that we were going to be at some point. Hell, I had been together with Jack for over five years. Of course it would seem like he was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Alex.  
  
After that, he disappeared into the backyard with his friends and I went upstairs to put away the linen and check up on William. He was sleeping soundly in his bed when I opened the door without making it creak. Since I couldn’t do anything but let him sleep for longer, I went back downstairs to find something else to do.  
  
When I saw that there were still dishes to do in the kitchen, I decided to get my hands a little dirty. The only reason they weren’t in the dishwasher was that they were made out of plastic that would deform. I had barely saved them earlier that morning when Alex nearly made the mistake of putting them in. I just thought it was stupid they still made stuff like that.  
  
While I was scrubbing the plastic cup with some diluted dish soap, I could look out of the window, a nice view in front of me. The three men were no longer dressed the same way as before, their normal clothes replaced by some swimming shorts. Yes, I knew Zack was quite muscled, as was Rian, or so I could see, but they weren’t what I kept staring at. Alex was standing in front of the two beach chairs, only his shorts covering his lower body.  
  
I could practically see the beadlets of sweat forming on his chest as the hot sun beamed down on his skin. The image of perspiration forming on him as we got close to each other was the only thing on my mind. If only I could storm outside and have him take me right there and then.  
  
But all I could do was watch him from afar. I bit the inside of my lip, only imagining the things he could do to me. My scrubbing slowed down to sensual strokes as if I was able to run my fingers from his collarbones all the way down to his waistband. The need inside me started pulsing again, the same need I always got when I was around him.  
  
He looked to the side, causing us to make eye contact through the window. I held his gaze, biting my lip a little more to show him what exactly was going through my mind at the moment. While a smirk started forming on his lips, I swiftly turned around and sauntered to the hallway to which the laundry room was connected.  
  
I waited there for Alex to find me.  
  
When he finally did, I was leaned up against the wall. He walked right up to me, put one hand against the wall and looked down at me. I could feel the heat radiating off his skin, both from the sun and from his natural warmth. It nearly smothered me.  
  
“God, you’re driving me crazy,” he grumbled, just inches away from me.  
  
“Hmm, why’s that?” I decided to play innocent, tugging a little at the pink strap of my floral sundress.  
  
He came a little closer, his voice full of frustration. “Cause you’ve been walking around here in this sexy little dress acting all cute and shit. All I want to do is rip it off you and fuck you senseless.”  
  
“Would you like me to put on different clothes from now on, Mr. Gaskarth?”  
  
A growl formed in his throat at the sound of me calling him by his last name. “I told you to stop calling me that. It turns me on way too fucking much.”  
  
“You really swear a lot when you’re sexually frustrated, don’t you?” I reached up and let my fingers run through his thick brown locks, tugging a little on it to tease him even more. He needed to feel the same torture he was making me go through.  
  
“Zack and Rian are staying over for dinner, so tell that _little_ fiancé of yours that you’re not going to be home until late. I have a late night _meeting_ to go to.”  
  
“Of course, _Mr. Gaskarth.”_ It was my turn to smirk as I pushed myself away from the wall and strutted away without giving Alex anything he wanted.  
  
That was for later that evening.


	8. Eight

It was another day where I actually got to eat breakfast with Jack. It was a pretty rare occurrence, but he always seemed so excited. Actually, I technically didn’t have to come into work that day. Alex was home. However, that was the exact reason why I did have to come over. He just wanted to let me sleep in for a little while, claiming that I would be tired out in no time otherwise. I was cool with getting another hour and a half of sleep. Of course, I would never be able to fall asleep as soon as Jack woke up, so I just woke up with him.  
  
I had taken a shower and gotten changed in the bathroom before Jack and started making us both breakfast while he was still getting ready. While I would have made pancakes, like I often did whenever I had a late morning, I really couldn’t be bothered this time. I just pulled the jug of milk out of the fridge, picked up the boxes of cereal I knew Jack liked, and placed two bowls and spoons on the table.  
  
I patiently waited for Jack to join me. It was so quiet when the shower turned off. I was tapping my fingers against our fake-wood white table while my legs were crossed, my right foot moving along in the air. It had been a long time since I had to wait for Jack. He was always the one waiting for me. It was strange. I was so used to anxiously anticipating Alex. I was almost prepared to hear the keys hitting the table again.  
  
But I wasn’t at his house. I was in my own home, sitting on my own IKEA chair at my own table. All sounds were caused by the wood from my house creaking. The footsteps were my boyfriend getting dressed in the bathroom with the door locked. Behind me was my fridge quietly humming. This was all mine, nothing at Alex’s was mine. It was all his.  
  
“Morning... again.” Jack grinned brightly as he joined me.  
  
He wasn’t fully wearing his suit yet. He had on his pants, but his shirt was still unbuttoned and his white t-shirt was still visible. His hair hadn’t been tamed yet. It had been such a long time since I had seen his hair freshly blow-dried. I had to say, it didn’t look all that bad. Not bad at all. I just wished he would keep it like that more often instead of always perfecting it for work, just like I always used to love the blonde streaks he no longer had.  
  
God, I was such a sexual human being. I had only gone a full weekend without getting my dosage of Alex and I was already sexualizing my own boyfriend. What had gotten into me?  
  
“Morning.” I smiled back as he gave me a quick peck and sat down. We had already said our greetings when we had both woken up, but there was no other way to start off the day.  
  
After Jack had crafted his own bowl of cereal, mixing two kinds together, he started up our conversation again. “What time do you come back again?” he asked and stuffed his mouth with a spoonful of food.  
  
“I’m not sure,” I shrugged, spinning my own spoon in the milk that was drowning my cornflakes.  
  
“I’m just asking ‘cause we were going to go to the movies this evening. Just checking if I need to have dinner ready or if we can go out and get some.”  
  
“Oh, shit, Jack.” I frowned, dropping my spoon and rubbed my temples. I had completely forgotten. We were going to go to this new movie that just came to the cinema in town; we had planned this a week before. “Alex only had meetings in the evening again. Fuck, I promised him I’d take care of William.”  
  
“Oh…” Jack nodded, looking a little deflated and no longer as glad to be eating his weird concoction of off-brand cereals. “That’s ok. We can go another day.”  
  
“No, we can’t.” I shook my head. I felt horrible, especially since it was all a lie. William didn’t need to be looked after, yet I was still going through with it all. “You already bought the tickets… I-- I can call Alex and tell him I can’t come anymore.”  
  
Honestly, I didn’t want to do that either. On one hand, I felt the need to go to Alex, but I also felt horrible for leaving Jack behind. I had already been with Alex every day except on the weekends,  
  
“No, no. Don’t worry.” He shrugged it off and went back to eating his food. “It’s your job. You can’t do that, you can’t leave Alex with the stress of looking for somebody else on such a short notice.”  
  
Of course he had to make the lying worse for me. “It will be fine, I’m sure he can figure something out.”  
  
“Pays. Really. It’s cool. I’ll take my sister instead. I haven’t seen her in a while anyway. We’ll make up for this some other time.”  
  
“Really?” I felt horrible, yet the thought of seeing Alex made me continue on.  
  
“Really.”  
  
I dropped off Jack at his work, getting some horrible flashbacks to when I would do anything to avoid seeing Alex again, after the night I had lost my virginity. This time, however, I was trying to make sure I got there as fast as possible without speeding. It was pretty difficult. I was pretty sure I was solely ruining the environment with how often I gave gas and had to break again.  
  
When I entered Alex’s house, he was just coming down the stairs. He had either just woken up or just gotten up. His hair was sticking up at all angles, his eyes still getting used to the light, and he was sporting a lopsided grin. What was the most important part for me, though, was that he was shirtless once again. By now, he must have known what effect it had on me, because he was doing it more often than not.  
  
“Nice to see you again,” he smirked with a deep voice, confirming my suspicions that he had just, in fact, awoken.  
  
“Good morning to you too,” I giggled quietly. He was making me so flustered just by being himself.  
  
“Well, _good_ morning might be a stretch. William did just wake me up by jumping on my bed, so…” He stepped off the last step and walked over to me.  
  
“Well, I hope coming here is worth it, because I am missing watching a movie for this,” I teased right back, feeling like his tone was suggesting that he was ‘thinking’ of just having a lazy day and doing nothing. I was not here to take over his job as a father when he was in the house himself.  
  
He pouted mockingly and put his hands on my sides. “Oh, how horrible.”  
  
“Hey,” I warned him, and stepped backward, crossing my arms over my chest, knowing my top was low cut, “I turned down Jack for this. He had this planned for a week, and I just turned it down the day of just to come here and ‘work’.”  
  
“Awe, that poor little fiance of yours…” he said with so much sarcasm. Who knew his mean comments could actually turn me on?  
  
“I’ll have you know he’s pretty tall.”  
  
“As tall as me?” He tried closing the space once again, his voice just a mere grumble as I had to look up to look him in the eye.  
  
“Yes, actually,” I retorted, knowing that this was going to drive him crazy.  
  
“Oh well…” he sighed as if defeated, but he didn’t move away. If anything, the tension increased as he smugly whispered, “you still chose me over him.”  
  
I gasped, cocking an eyebrow at him. “No need to be cocky.”  
  
“All the need to be cocky,” he breathed against my skin before breaking away. “I have to feed myself and William first--he’s waiting for me in the kitchen--and then I’m all yours.”  
  
“All mine?” I challenged with a gulp.  
  
“All yours,” he repeated.  
  
I guess I did have something at this house that was mine.


	9. Nine

The first time I came over to Alex’s during a weekend was for Will’s birthday party. Alex had organized for all Will’s friends to come over, meaning there were going to be a lot of three- to four-year-olds running around in the backyard. At first, he was planning to deal with it all himself, but he quite quickly found out that he needed a little more help. Who was better for the job than me? Exactly. Nobody.  
  
When I first started working for Alex, William was still very shy. He would never tell me what he wanted and only answered my questions by either shaking or nodding his head. Over time, he warmed up to me. He no longer let me list off things that we could possibly do, he came up with his own ideas. I was more than happy to play whatever game he wanted just so he would be happy. So, when Alex told him that I was going to be there, he was super excited.  
  
Oh, how the poor boy was innocent. He had no idea that Alex probably had done it more for himself than for his son.  
  
It was sweet how Alex wanted everything to be perfect. He had a large table outside for the kids to sit at, balloons everywhere, a large banner personalized for William with dinosaurs on it, and a place for parents to stay. Even safety was a factor; he took the time to cover the pool with the safety net so he wouldn’t have any kids falling in it.  
  
I helped by making some snacks for the kids and some fancier things for the parents. All the young ones needed was some simple chips and drinks (I had suggested nothing with extra sugar. So, that meant no soda), while I actually made some more ‘adult’ snacks for the adults. Think about cheese platters and crackers.  
  
While Alex entertained the adults, I kept filling all the empty bowls and William played with his friends. For once, it actually seemed like I was doing my actual job.  
  
I was running back out when I saw a new guest had arrived. I was pretty sure Will saw her at the same time, since he immediately let out an overjoyed yelp and ran at the person. The woman with similar colored hair to Alex’s grinned back brightly and went to her knees to hug him. His little arms barely managed to wrap around her neck while she picked him up. I hadn’t seen him this happy ever since I started working here.  
  
“Who’s that?” I asked Alex who had also briefly gone inside to get a new bottle of wine and was now standing behind me also watching the scene. “Your sister?”  
  
“Hmm…” he shook his head, seemingly a bit emotional, but he shook it away like it was just an old story. “William’s aunt, his mother’s sister.”  
  
“Oh!” I nodded, now understanding why the kid was so happy. “I already thought they looked similar!”  
  
“Yeah… he loves her…” Alex nodded, his slight withdrawn behavior not having managed to leave the room. “They barely get to see each other, it always gets Will’s hopes up. He doesn’t exactly understand how death works.”  
  
“Yeah, I get it.” I gave him a reassuring half-smile and stepped outside to fill all the snacks for the kids again. I knew that they were going to be so full when the time came, but I’d much rather have them be in a food coma than revolting because they wanted more.  
  
I left Alex at the doorway to take in the scene by himself. If losing a wife wasn’t difficult enough, then a confused kid only made it worse. I could barely imagine telling some kid their goldfish died, even a stranger’s kid, let alone tell them their mother died. I would have been nowhere without my supportive parents, I wouldn’t wish it on anybody to lose their parents. Alex just needed a little time to go through that again.  
  
When I finished filling all the bowls, I saw Alex finally leaving his position and joining the other adults and his (what used to be?) sister-in-law. However, he was no longer staring at her or William. His eyes had just shifted away from where I had been standing.  
  
I assumed he had something he wanted me to do, so I finally came to join the ‘adult group’ after I had thrown away the empty bag of chips. They were all older than Alex, falling into the demographic of people that were having way younger kids during their second marriage. However, there weren’t really any other ‘young’ people that could afford to live here like Alex. I felt like a little kid, like I belonged at the sticky table.  
  
Alex was filling all glasses with the wine he had just brought outside with him. He picked up one that hadn’t been used, pouring some of the red liquid into it. At first I thought it was for himself, but then he came over to hand it to me while mid-laugh. It must have been an automated move, because it was more than just inappropriate.  
  
My eyes went wide at the glass being held in front of me. I had drunk alcohol many times before. Just because Jack and I decided not to sleep together until marriage, did not mean we felt the need to wait to drink until we turned legal. But still, I could not accept that inviting-looking drink.  
  
I shook my head lightly and quickly, hoping Alex would notice his mistake. His brow scrunched when he saw my gesture, slowly retreating the glass back. Since he was so hesitant to do so, I swiftly nodded my head to show that him taking away the glass was what I wanted.  
  
But it only made him try to give the glass to me again. “Yes…?” So, I went back to shaking my head, which only got him more confused as he stated in the same tone, “No…? What?”  
  
While I was still shaking my head, I mouthed just to him, “underage.”  
  
His eyebrows quickly unfurrowed and raised a little, his mouth forming an ‘o’-shape. It was his turn to nod his head just a little bit so I only knew that he understood me, and he placed the glass back on the table. He snapped his fingers and pointed to the kitchen. “I’ll go get you something else.”  
  
It might have been selfish, but I wasn’t doing it so Alex looked like a responsible dad who knew that his nanny wasn’t legally allowed to drink yet. The only reason I was doing it was because there were so many parents around here. I didn’t want to look like the irresponsible one. What parent wanted somebody who participated in underage drinking to look after their kids? They were all potential clients in the future. As much as I loved working for Alex, it wasn’t going to last forever.  
  
While I was waiting, still a little uncomfortable in the crowd, somebody suddenly started talking to me. “So… you are…?”  
  
I looked up to see Alex’s sister-in-law eyeing me in a judgemental way. While she looked like such a nice person before, I was actually a little afraid to speak to her now. Yet, I still answered, “Paisley. Alex hired me to take care of Will while he’s at work. Hence why I’m helping with the birthday party.”  
  
“Oh, okay.” She nodded but still sounded very skeptical, her judgemental look not fading one bit. “Just checking you’re not Alex’s new plaything.”  
  
“Excuse me?” I gasped, but not all too loudly. I didn’t need to attract any unwanted attention. But who did she think I was? I wasn’t some whore Alex could mess around with. “I’ll have you know I’m engaged to my high school boyfriend. I would never betray him. Plus, Alex would never do something that disrespects me like that. He’s a loyal father.”  
  
Oh, how I used to think that that was the case. I always thought I would have been faithful to Jack. The only thing that wasn’t a lie was that Alex wouldn't actually go out and hurt me by playing me. Sure, it was strange that he came onto me so soon--both figurative and literal--but I had no reason to think he was messing with me.  
  
“Okay…” She seemed to let it go, her posture no longer like she was better than me. She actually seemed to understand that whatever she had assumed was not right in any way. “I’m sorry. I’m just checking Alex isn’t going back to his old ways.”  
  
“Old ways?” I questioned although I had quite the suspicion of what they were. He used to be one of those guys I tried my best to avoid during high school, the ones that would do anything to sleep with you.  
  
“Let’s just say he used to love the company of many different women. I was skeptical when he started dating my sister, but he seemed to have changed. I’ve always been afraid that he would run off to the next hot thing he found. And, as bluntly as I put it, you’re a young hot blonde wearing a short skirt. It’s just very stereotypical.”  
  
“Of course…”  
  
For the remainder of the conversation, I spent my time gaining her trust. I knew I had lied about the affair with Alex, but we had drifted away from it quite quickly. It was just unsettling knowing that although she seemed to like me, it was all based on a false fact. If I had said that I was sleeping with Alex, none of it would have ever happened.  
  
The main thing that got her to put her trust in me completely was when William came running up to me, shouting out my name multiple times to get my attention. Without anybody telling him he had to thank people for gifts, he chose to thank me specifically. Nobody else got a thank you so directly from him. All I had gotten him was a pack of pens, but apparently he loved it. Maybe it was based on the fact that he always loved drawing dinosaurs with me.  
  
At one point, I found myself back in the house, putting all William’s gifts away in his room. They were all piled on a table, so I figured it would be better to go put them in a safer place. I didn’t have much better to do after there was no longer any conversation I needed to contribute toward.  
  
As soon as I left the room, I was cornered by Alex.  
  
Either he had been waiting for me, or he had just happened to walk into me. Either way, he decided he liked the close quarters and instead made it even tighter by pressing me up against the wall. He hadn’t even said anything, but I was captivated by the way his breath hit my neck and how he felt against me. I would have given in, but like I said before, I wasn’t going to let him mess with me.  
  
“Is there anything you need me to do?” I whispered sensually, placing my right hand on his chest and lightly grabbing the fabric of his shirt in between my individual fingers.  
  
“I’ve been looking around like crazy for you,” he grumbled, pushing the lower half of his body into mine further. I nearly gasped, they keyword being ‘nearly’. He wasn’t going to get me so easily.  
  
I shrugged a little, trying to act innocent. “Do you need me to refill the snacks again? Or maybe make some more lemonade?”  
  
“You know what I need you for.” He increased the pressure, adding his hands to my hips so that my back was now flat against the wall; the natural curvature had been counteracted by his strength.  
  
“Do I?”  
  
“Stop being such a tease,” he warned, his fingers now continuing the tight squeeze.  
  
“I’m my own girl,” I retorted, letting my one hand slip up and over his shoulder, the other one going over to the other side, “I can’t have you thinking you can mess with my mind, _Gaskarth.”_  
  
He didn’t even try to reply to that in words. His grip stayed firm when he skipped the part of brushing our lips together and went straight to them pressing against each other in a heated kiss. I pulled his upper body closer, making him crane his neck down more to keep the heat going. Our words were foreplay enough. There was no need to ease into it.  
  
The hand he had on my left side gradually left its position and started gliding down my skirt. I felt his touch through the fabric, but the real sensation started when his fingers made the transition from my skirt to the skin just above my knee. I urged him on by pushing on the back of his head to press our noses together even more.  
  
He started his touch upward, following the natural curves of my skin. His other hand moved back toward my ass, allowing some more space between our bodies and the wall. He dug his finger into the skin there, getting me to raise my right leg and wrap it around his waist. With my other leg now out of the way, the more important contact could move up further.  
  
His fingertips pushed my panties to the side until there was enough space for his thumb to make first contact. I broke away from the kiss, biting my lip and resting the back of my head against the wall behind me. Alex’s breath continued to graze my collarbone as I slowly released my lip before I drew blood. Instead, my lips parted a little as his other fingers came into play, teasing me over and over again.  
  
I got the strength to move my head back forward and tried to pull Alex closer, as impossible as it was. Before I could make another move that required the same amount of energy, I had to hide my face in the crook of his neck. Pants started leaving my mouth as he sped up his movements, one single high-pitched yet quiet moan coming along with it.  
  
I was in complete and utter bliss as I managed to place my hands on both his cheeks and guide myself to resume the kiss, hoping it would revive me. However, with this new found strength I showed, Alex entered his fingers, no longer just teasing to please me. The kiss was interrupted yet again by a much louder moan from my part. My knee nearly buckled as my back almost gave out, making me lean into Alex instead of against the wall. He kept me upright, a firm grip still on my thigh.  
  
Every twirl, every hook, every curl, and every slide he made with his fingers made me see stars. Maybe I had been wrong all along; maybe Alex had had control over me all this time. I had turned into putty that only he could work with.  
  
I breathed out his name when I felt like I couldn’t take it much longer. However, he didn’t stop and carry me to his bedroom to continue there. He sped up, making my mouth open at a constant distance. It wasn’t long anymore.  
  
When it finally hit me, I went completely limp, dragging my nails down Alex’s clothed chest. I was most likely being too loud, as I was met with another fiery kiss to get me to shut up. All he could do was let me ride out my high while he also needed the strength to keep me from collapsing in on myself.  
  
When I finally started regaining my posture, he removed his fingers and leg my other foot be placed back on the floor. I was still trying to catch my breath, but I was no longer like a lifeless ragdoll.  
  
“Alex?!” his sister in law called from downstairs, looking for his whereabouts.  
  
He didn’t move away, but instead looked down at me. “You go downstairs and ask what she needs. We can’t go out at the same time, it’ll be too suspicious.”  
  
“Okay,” I nodded in agreement, but was still confused about one aspect, “but why do I go first?”  
  
“Because… I have,” he looked in between our bodies, glancing at his own crotch, “something else I need to take care of first.”  
  
“That is not my problem,” I smirked, amused by the situation at hand.  
  
“Well, it will be later tonight.”  
  
“We’ll see about that.” I winked and left like nothing had happened.


	10. Ten

I made it seem like Alex was always home, like he’d always have time for me, like he’d always either come home early or leave late. It was most definitely like that the first couple of weeks we had this thing going on. I guess you could say we were in a serious ‘honeymoon’ phase back then. Although we weren’t in an actual relationship, we definitely were more than enjoying ourselves.  
  
However, those weeks passed when Alex suddenly got really busy at work. He always had to leave whenever I arrived, he had meetings that required a suit more often than not, and he often came home tired to the point that he actually fell asleep on the couch. Those were the days when all I did was look after Will.  
  
I wasn’t exactly sure what Alex was working on, since it was all confidential business, but I got the main gist of it. It had something to do with a court case. An artist and the record label he worked for were involved. The only reason Alex was also dragged along into the mess was that his signature was also on the contract. He had nothing else to do with it, he hadn’t even met the artist before. So, he would get frustrated.  
  
Those days were the days when I would let him take out all his anger on me. It completely made up for the days when nothing would happen. However, it did make my schedule quite irregular. Whenever nothing happened, I’d either leave before dinner or right after, the days when something did happen, I wouldn’t be back until close to midnight.  
  
I had a good excuse that Jack was ok with. Technically, it was true that I’d occasionally come home really late because Alex was so busy. It was just bending the truth a little. There was no harm in that, was there? If anything, it was the opposite of harm. If Jack knew what I had been doing while I was supposedly working, he would have been so hurt.  
  
I was expecting another day that consisted of me working until Alex came home, and then leaving again before dinner. That morning, he looked so fed up. There were bags underneath his eyes, his hair hadn’t seen a brush in days but wasn’t purposely messy, and his eyes were lifeless. I could already tell he was too tired to deal with anything as soon as he came home.  
  
However, I was surprised to hear the familiar sound of metal hitting wood while William and I were in the kitchen just having had a late lunch. I was just closing the dishwasher while Will was still sat on his usual bar chair, his feet dangling in the air. Alex came walking in, tugging his tie off, his jacket already long thrown over some piece of furniture.  
  
“Daddy!” William squealed and clumsily climbed off the chair, running towards his dad.  
  
Before he could wrap his arms around Alex’s legs, Alex bent down and picked him up in one swift motion. He let out a little groan as he hiked William up on his side. The younger boy laid his head against his father’s chest, a big smile on his face.  
  
“You’re home early,” I remarked with my own soft smile. It was such a nice thing to see, a child being so excited to see their parent despite only being apart for a few hours.  
  
“Yeah,” he nodded and ruffled Will’s hair, causing it to look quite similar to what his own looked like in the morning, “I thought it would be better to just take the rest of the day off, I nearly fell asleep at my desk. So, now I get to see my favorite boy,” he came closer and put William on the counter before adding a whisper to me, “and favorite girl.”  
  
“You won’t be able to see both at the same time,” I smirked back in a hushed tone. I was just Paisley the nanny when Alex and I weren’t teasing each other, but as soon as that did happen, I was his ‘favorite girl’. William could not see us like that under any circumstance.  
  
“Of course not,” he winked before returning to his son, putting a hand on the counter on either side of him. “How about we go to the park?”  
  
William nodded excitedly.  
  
“Ok, go put on your shoes and I’ll go get changed.” Alex helped him back down onto the floor and gave him a little reassuring pat into the direction of the front door. He continued to watch Will until he was sure that he couldn’t see or hear anything until turning to me. Immediately, sexual Alex was turned on and dad-Alex was forgotten about. “He’ll be tired out in no time, and then we get to be all by ourselves.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan to me,” I replied and watched as he slowly stepped closer to me. You would think I would have gotten used to it by now, when he was so close to me that both his heat and breath were smothering me. But, no. It still put me under a spell and drove me crazy.  
  
“Hopefully it won’t take too long,” he remarked and pressed a long deep kiss to my lips.  
  
I was left yearning for more while he walked away to get changed into some normal clothes. I didn’t care what he wore, as long as I knew what was underneath those garments, it all did the same to me. All I needed was a limited imagination to get myself started. His actions were what made the urge develop into a want, and then his physical naked body turned it into a need.  
  
However, I was going to have to wait longer. While going out to the park did tire William out completely, it didn’t go as expected. He absolutely refused to go take a nap and instead became cranky. There was too much excitement going on. His dad had come home early, I came along and played with him at the park as well, he didn’t want it all to end. Alex actually got frustrated, which got me frustrated in another way because I knew he would be using me as an outlet later. At one point, I was sure William just didn’t want to go and take a nap anymore just because Alex wanted it so bad.  
  
However, as soon as he got to eat some dinner, he could barely keep his eyes open. Alex quickly took the opportunity and rushed him to bed before he became over exhausted and so also hyper. I cleaned up the table and put all the dishes in the dishwasher, contemplating on whether or not to tell Jack that it was going to be a late evening again. With everything that had happened, I knew that there was no way I was going to come back home much earlier than midnight, but I also knew I rarely warned Jack beforehand. I didn’t want to raise any suspicions.  
  
Alex came back while I was just about to finish up in the kitchen. He didn’t leave any time for us to move to a more comfortable place. And that was how I ended up on my knees on the cold hard tiled floor. I still hadn’t repaid him for what he did at William’s birthday. Yes, we did have sex together since then, but I had never only focused on him.  
  
While Alex tried to put me up on the counter again like he always did whenever it was just us two in the kitchen, I counteracted it by going in the opposite direction. Rather than being carried up, I slid down his body until I was on the floor a couple feet away from the shirt that I had been wearing.  
  
Alex groaned in surprise, excitement, and approval as I tugged harshly on his belt and pulled down his jeans and boxers in one go just past his knees. What used to be such a new sight that amazed me was now something I had seen so often, yet it still continuously impressed me. Everything about him did. Whenever he touched me, my heart would start beating faster, and seeing him like this would make me blush like an innocent school girl.  
  
I curled my fingers individually around him similar to how he had teasingly treated me just two weeks before. Since he had originally wanted to put me in a different position, he had nothing to lean against as the pleasure coursed through his body. It only turned me on to see him desperately grab onto the ledge of the counter to give him something to hold on to, giving me the last signal that it was time for me to start.  
  
I leaned forward and licked my lips to prepare myself, biting on the bottom one because I was excited myself for the events that would occur next. When I was close enough, I lightly parted my lubricated lips and slowly took him into my mouth. A sharp breath could be heard being taken in from the man standing in front of me, his knuckles turning white.  
  
It wasn’t the first time I had given him a blowjob, I had done it multiple times before. We had set our boundaries long before. While Alex was more than happy to do everything, he still respected that I didn’t. He would always warn me when he was close, giving me enough time to remove myself from him and continue on with my hand if necessary. Although I occasionally did like a challenge, this was something I was intent on keeping the same.  
  
I bobbed my head as my tongue was laid flat against him, getting him to breathe heavily. The sounds he was emitting were making my core tie in knots, tempting me to help myself at the same time. However, I had promised myself just to take care of him, pushing away my selfish tendencies.  
  
It was going so well. I was receiving the exact reaction I was striving for. Alex’s free hand was tugging at my hair, guiding me at the pace he desired.  
  
“H-hey, buddy,” Alex suddenly staggered, making me stop for a split second and furrow my brows. What was he saying to me? It seemed like he was calling me ‘buddy’, but the part he added changed the context entirely. “What are you doing up?”  
  
Then, I heard the young boy’s voice come from the other side of the counter as he mumbled in a sad voice, “there are monsters under my bed.”  
  
“What?” I quietly questioned toward myself, wondering if this really was happening right now. William luckily couldn’t see me, but I was literally having sex with his father while he was in the same room.  
  
Unfortunately, what was a gesture that had gone unrecognized by William, did not go unrecognized by Alex. Since I was still in the exact same position, only now frozen up, my words vibrated up him, causing him unwanted pleasure. He held back a groan, making him emit a choking sound as he tried to look as normal as possible.  
  
Luckily, William was just an innocent kid who couldn’t read every expression.  
  
“Why don’t you go and find the monster spray and I’ll be there soon,” Alex suggested, ushering him to go find the spray bottle that contained tap water somewhere on his nightstand. After Will’s footsteps had pattered away, Alex turned to me, releasing a breath he was holding in. “You better stop now or do this fast.”  
  
“Huh?” I tried to get him to clarify which option he wanted, but it was just as muffled as before. His hand tangled in my hair and his head was thrown back as he let out a moan I rarely got to hear. He always tried to keep everything throaty and deep, but occasionally bliss was too much.  
  
I tried to ask again, it still not sounding like proper words, “wha o ou wa e o o?”  
  
And then I felt it happening. By now, I figured out all the signs. He didn’t exactly twitch, but there was a slight movement, his fingers curling and muscles hardening.  
  
Out of panic, I quickly removed myself from him, hoping to get out of the way on time. But it was too late. I managed to make sure it didn’t come into my mouth, but he came all over my face and hair.  
  
While he was still enjoying himself, my mood deflated. I wasn’t amused, I really wasn’t amused at all. I didn’t have a problem with him cumming on my stomach whenever he pulled out, but I did mind it coming anywhere near my face. It might sound strange since I was giving him a blowjob, but it was a preference. Alex fully agreed to it and I didn’t force him into anything either.  
  
Yet, still, the rule was completely broken. He hadn’t even warned me like he had promised every single time. I was not ok with him breaking a promise like this. That was not how it worked. A promise was a promise for a reason. There was no good reason for him to break it. No reason would ever be good enough.  
  
When he looked back down at me, completely satisfied, I was already glaring at him. I held his gaze for a few seconds before angrily standing up. He didn’t even seem to notice what was wrong. I was willing to forgive him if he just said something without me having to tell him, but nothing came out of that stupid mouth of his.  
  
I grabbed my shirt and trudged out of the kitchen. As much as I wanted to put on my clothing, I knew I couldn’t without getting it dirty. The only thing I could do was take a shower to clean myself up despite the fact that I didn’t even have that much action.  
  
“Pays, wait,” Alex sighed while raising his pants back up, not being able to follow me yet.  
  
I cringed inwardly. As generic as the nickname sounded, it was what Jack called me. Only Jack called me that. My family either called me Leigh or Pay. The ‘s’ was Jack’s thing. Nobody else got to use that nickname. _Nobody_.  
  
While Alex did want to do something about what had just happened, maybe even apologize way later than he should have, I didn’t want to hear any of it. I would have most likely given in to him if he just hadn’t called me by that name.  
  
“I’m going to take a shower,” I stated without looking back, continuing to my destination, “I need to go back home.”  
  
“Pays…”  
  
It took everything in me not to freak out on him and tell him to stop calling me that. I didn’t need to make this worse than it already was; there was no need to blow this out of proportion. It was just a series of unfortunate events.


	11. Eleven

Alex and I hadn’t made up the next day. I still came to work as promised, deciding not to avoid my problems this time. For the first time, I was actually glad that he left as soon as I entered the house and could take over the job of taking care of William. The same went for when he came home. I didn’t even ask if he wanted me to make dinner, I just gave him some time to change and said goodbye immediately after.  
  
It wasn’t that I was really mad at him, I couldn’t be. As badly as I wanted to, seeing him still turned me on. I couldn’t just simply stay mad at him. However, I was set on showing that I was still not ok with what happened. I had to stand my ground. This thing we had going on wasn’t some deal that gave him what he wanted. I was the one who had full control of everything. Although he might have believed that he was the one who made the first move, I was the one who allowed it. I could have easily dismissed him like the first time if it weren’t for me wanting to attend to my sexual urges.  
  
I considered the fact that the weekend came next a blessing. As much as I once hated them since it would mean going two days without Alex’s touch, I was more than happy to not be around him for two days. It would keep him on edge. I knew that I could get him back in a heartbeat. I just had to show that I wasn’t going to be there no matter what. He had to work for it.  
  
So, instead of worrying about Alex, I decided to spend my days off with Jack. I had neglected him, and it was wrong. Despite it almost being a month later, I still hadn’t made up for the one time I had rain checked on our movie date. I never was the one to cancel plans and then not try to make up for it. Usually, I would make new plans in the next few days. But, I had been way too busy… too busy with Alex.  
  
I couldn’t bring myself to go out with Jack in public on a date. As much as I wanted to, there was a fear brooding inside of me. Nobody knew about my affair with Alex. Nobody--unless he had told somebody. Although I knew there was no human soul who could possibly know, I was so afraid somebody would out me. I couldn’t risk losing Jack.  
  
Instead, I decided to have a movie marathon in the safety of our own home was a better option. While we did live off a limited budget per month, we had a little left over for Netflix. And while Jack had more than enough time to catch up on episodes while he was waiting for me every evening, I hadn’t watched anything in ages. So what better way to spend our night than watching movies neither of us had seen yet? Or Home Alone… he loved Home Alone… sometimes I wondered if his love for that movie was greater than the love he had for me.  
  
After we had given up on one of the movies we had chosen, it both having a terrible plot and terrible acting, we immediately put on the one thing that was Jack’s all-time favorite. Despite being able to recite the lines word by word, he still acted shocked whenever something happened. His expressions were the cutest thing ever. Sometimes, his lips would part in surprise, other times he’d frown when the villains came back into the scene, and occasionally he would giggle if something funny happened. And I was the one who got the honor to watch his range of emotions be outed.  
  
We were both lying on the couch, his long legs intertwined with mine. Since our couch was just a little too small for us to fit behind each other, Jack was still sat up with his back against one of the armrests and I was practically on his lap. My head could perfectly fit under his and our bodies fit together with no fuss. We had grown into the couple that could effortlessly do anything together.  
  
Jack started to push himself up a little, earning an annoyed whine out of me. I had been so comfortable, and now he was making my back bend at a weird angle. I was waiting for him to apologize and let me lie back down in an easy position. But he just shuffled up more like he was trying to get me to move away.  
  
“I really need the bathroom,” he clarified as he bent over to grab the remote from the table and pause the movie he had seen hundreds of times before.  
  
“No,” I groaned yet still let him slip away, “don’t leave me! I’ll be cold!”  
  
“I’ll be quick,” he promised before rushing off into our bedroom.  
  
I stared at the frozen screen waiting for him to return. What he said would only take little time, was starting to drag on. I started to wonder when the image of the paused movie would start to burn into the screen. It wouldn’t have been the first time it had happened. The one scene we had once paused on would continue to stare us down for another few hours while we tried our best to move on with the plot. I knew I should have turned the screen off, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it in case Jack would come back.  
  
“You want anything to drink?” Jack asked when he entered the room again, going toward the kitchen area. He wiped his hands on his jeans one single time.  
  
“Sure. I’ll just have what you’re having,” I muttered in response, still bewildered by the TV.  
  
A few minutes later, he came back to join me with one opened bottle of red wine and two clear glasses. He carefully placed the delicate glasses on the white wooden coffee table, both clinking quietly at the contact. Quickly after, he held the bottle elegantly and poured both of us some in.  
  
“What’s the special occasion?” I asked, my interest now shifted to what was happening in front of me. We couldn’t buy our own alcohol, this was something his sister had given us as a gift. More expensive stuff like this was never just drunk without a reason. “Watching a movie isn’t exactly something special, right? Or am I missing something?”  
  
“Well, I was hoping to make it special…” he gulped and once again wiped his hands off. My heart skipped a beat as he got on one knee for the second time in our life together. “I know I’ve already done this and asked this, but I want to do it again… Danielle Paisley Jonas, will you marry me?”  
  
“Jack,” I gasped as he pulled out a red velvet box this time, something that had been missing when he had given his full speech just under a year before.  
  
I just stared at the small band that was nestled in the black cushioned interior of the box. It was more than I ever asked for, more than I had ever dreamed of. Although the band was already really thin, it still split into two, a few small diamonds nuzzled between the rose gold. My eyes were fixated on the reflected light.  
  
“Although you’ve already answered before, you’re still making me nervous,” Jack interrupted my entrancement, biting the skin off his bottom lip.  
  
“Jack…” I repeated, tears almost prickling my eyes. “Why? You shouldn’t have spent your money on this. You already have my word.”  
  
“I know,” he nodded, still searching for a clear answer, as he got up from his knee and sat down beside me, “but I also know we’re not going to be able to get married for another while. I want to give you something for the meantime.”  
  
“I’m just fine waiting.” I put my left hand on his right knee, giving it a small squeeze.  
  
“Pays, please.” He closed the box, it clicking shut, and grabbed my hand with his empty one. “I know you don’t need it. But I want to give it to you. To make up for the fact that we can’t get married as quickly as we want, to make up for us drifting apart recently.”  
  
“Drifting apart?” I questioned, panic overtaking my surprise. I had completely forgotten about Alex during our short moment, maybe Jack hadn’t… maybe he had known all along.  
  
“Yes. I take full responsibility for it. I haven’t been treating you the way you deserve, I should have shown my love for you more often. This is me trying to make up for all those gestures I haven’t shown.”  
  
I shook my head rapidly, not wanting to hear him take the blame. “No, Jack, none of it’s your fault.” Oh, how he didn’t know that it was all my fault. “I’m the one always off working and coming home late. You’ve done nothing but love me. I’m the one who’s always too busy. If anything, I should be the one here proposing to you again.”  
  
“Well, either way, if you want to show me how much you still love me, you’d accept this and wear it even if it’s just for the symbolism.” He discreetly opened the box again and brought the ring back in view.  
  
I was scared. All I could do was nod as my eyes were fixated on the beautifully crafted metal.  
  
“Yeah?” Jack double checked and cautiously pulled the ring off its fixture.  
  
“Yes.” I nodded and wiped away a tear as I held out my left hand for him to slip the ring on.


	12. Twelve

Monday evening, Alex told me I had a day off on Wednesday; that he would be home the entire day and could take care of William himself.  
  
Monday night, I put out my outfit for the next day, deciding to wear a tight low cut white tee.  
  
Tuesday morning, Alex stood around a little longer than usual after I took over making sure William had his breakfast.  
  
Tuesday afternoon, he came home early but claimed he still had to work in his study. He would watch me intently whenever I happened to walk past.  
  
Tuesday evening, I asked him if he needed help with dinner or if I could go home. He didn’t reply and just stared at me as if he was waiting for me to answer a question he had asked. He walked me out but still didn’t say a word as I got in my car.  
  
Wednesday morning, I got up ‘early’ and made Jack pancakes before waving him off.  
  
Wednesday afternoon, I started cleaning up the house despite it already being fairly organized. I needed something to do.  
  
That’s when the doorbell rang.  
  
I finished straightening out the throw blanket hanging over the backrest of the couch and wiped my hands together as if I had done some dirty work and walked toward the door. All I expected was a delivery man who was bringing me a package for my neighbor. But the man stood in front of me was no stranger. I had explored and seen every single crevice of his body.  
  
“Well, what a surprise,” I smirked while leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms, “although a little creepy. I never told you where I lived.”  
  
“Yet I still found you,” Alex replied with a shrug, his hands stuffed in the front pockets of his jeans.  
  
I was just amused that he had gone out of his way to find out where I lived and went out to search for me despite not even knowing if I’d be there. Playing hard to get did work. All I had to do was act like I no longer cared. “Shouldn’t you be looking after Will?”  
  
“He’s with my parents.” His eyes traveled up and down my body, lingering at his favorite parts that were hidden behind my clothes.  
  
“You could have just asked me to come over and do it while you had to go out and do… whatever you’re doing right now,” I pretended like I didn’t know the reason why he was here in the first place.  
  
“Hmm…” he shook his head and wetted his lips. “Nah, I just needed to run some errands and go to the doctor.”  
  
“Doctor?” I questioned, unsure whether he was using some sort of code language he just made up or if he actually needed to go to the doctor. I was not prepared to be faced with something serious.  
  
He nodded and sleekly ran a hand through his hair, making it more tousled than it already was. “Yeah, just some problems, nothing much.”  
  
His body language was enough to tell me that he was not talking about an actual doctor. He was too confident, biting his bottom lip just a bit too often, his eyes wandering too much. There was some other intention behind it. As stupid as his attempts were, they still captivated me. I felt like I had to pull him inside and let my instincts take over. But I needed to hold back.  
  
“I’m no doctor, Mr. Gaskarth, so I can’t really help,” I apologized, rocking on my feet.  
  
He took a deep breath in and closed his eyes. His chest swelled up with the fresh air until released with a groan. As much as he liked to think he was the one in control of my feelings, I could take over his with just a snap of my fingers. He was just as under my spell as I was under him.  
  
“We can change that,” he responded in a voice that was now deep and husky.  
  
I looked over his shoulders by standing on my toes and checking if there was anybody outside. The street was as empty as my bedroom. I quickly pulled him in and slammed the door shut. As friendly as my neighbors were, I didn’t need to raise any suspicions. Jack and I were known as the ‘perfect’ couple around here. I didn’t need people thinking I was unfaithful and starting rumors.  
  
Unlike what my insides were telling me to do, I didn’t attack him as soon as we were safely behind the door. I needed to increase his urges to get what I wanted. Nothing was going to happen until I got an official apology that showed he knew what he did was wrong. I wasn’t going to be around somebody who apologized just for their own good.  
  
I walked straight to the kitchen and grabbed myself a glass of water, leaving Alex to stand in the living room area with nothing. He was stood still in the middle, looking around himself at the plain simplicity of the room. It wouldn’t have surprised me if this had been the smallest room he had been in in years, maybe even the smallest house.  
  
Drinking some of the water, I sauntered back to join him.  
  
“It’s small,” he pointed out, “but I actually like it.”  
  
I slowly pulled the glass away from my mouth, staring right at him. “You’re making it sound like small is bad. I’m small and you like me.”  
  
“That is indeed true,” he chuckled, it quickly turning into a smirk when I released my hair from its ponytail. If nothing had gotten him on edge yet, then this definitely would have. My blonde locks had the same effect as his chest had on me  
  
Apparently, he thought that was his signal to make the next move. He stepped up to me, his hand going straight to my waist and gripping it. I looked up at him, keeping eye contact and watched him lean forward.  
  
I waited until he was an inch away from kissing me before whispering against his lips, “getting with me isn’t this easy.”  
  
I turned out of his hold and went back to the kitchen, finishing my water and putting the glass in the sink.  
  
“Oh, so you’re still mad,” he nodded with a grin that showed he was amused by my behavior rather than actually sorry.  
  
“I’m not exactly cool with people breaking promises.”  
  
“Well…” he turned to the wall that had countless of pictures from all throughout my relationship with Jack. There were pictures of us in Sophomore year and some more recent ones. “...you’re one to talk. If I recall correctly… you were the one to break a little promise first. Quite a charming guy…”  
  
I had tiptoed so I was now standing close behind him without him knowing. He had stricken a chord he shouldn't have. I sensually placed my hands on his shoulders, making him jump and murmured in his ear, “you’re not helping yourself here.”  
  
“You know what? I’ll admit I was wrong,” he grumbled, swiftly having spun around so our breathing was hitting the other’s body, “but it was fucking hot. I won’t do it again, but only because you asked me to.”  
  
“Good,” I smiled innocently before sneaking my hands up to his cheeks and pulling him down to start the first kiss we had missed for almost four days. It may have seemed short, but it had been way too long.  
  
He nearly seemed relieved when his wishes were granted. Whatever he had been holding back was being released in one go. His familiar scent and stubble against my skin made my heart race. I let my hands slip up to his hair as he hoisted my body up and made me wrap my legs around him.  
  
“Where’s the bedroom?” He mumbled against my lips, squeezing my thighs.  
  
I groaned at the loss of contact. “Behind the only other fucking door in this fucking cramped space that isn’t the fucking front door.”  
  
“Got it,” he nodded and walked us into the room, pushing open the door that was still ajar.  
  
It was like there was a soundtrack playing in my head as we moved in sync to remove our clothes. The beat was thumping, the bass deep and shaking, and a guitar playing a smooth sensual melody over it. Everything merged together so perfectly like a dark symphony while I got to trace his body with my fingers, the only thing keeping us apart was our underwear.  
  
The harmony was abruptly stopped when I was pushed on the bed and the right side of my body hit something cold and solid, yet still a hollow sound escaped from the object. I flinched, more afraid that I had broken it than the fact that I had just fallen on top of it and hurt myself. Still, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t want this to ruin the mood.  
  
“A guitar?” Alex questioned, furrowing his brow as he looked at the instrument. “Whose is it?”  
  
I breathed out loudly, more than annoyed that he was more focused on some object than me. Was I being treated like less than an object? I was close to just kicking it off the bed. “It used to be mine, but now I share it with Jack.”  
  
He hummed in response, his curious attitude replaced by a stiff nod. His tongue ran along his top teeth, ending it with a click. “Let me guess. He wanted to be a famous musician but couldn’t afford his own guitar, so he used yours. You became a nanny to make ends meet and his dream crumpled to pieces.”  
  
“No, _actually_ ,” I snapped back. Something had gotten into him and I was getting the consequences. I got up from the bed and picked up the guitar, putting it back on its stand, pushing past Alex to do so. “He got a job as soon as high school ended so I could try to live my dream. But it ended almost as soon as it started.”  
  
Alex looked at me, his face softened and his eyes sorry. The rigor of his posture had left. “You know I can help you out with that, right?”  
  
I shook my head, not because I didn’t know what he did every single day at work, but because I couldn’t accept it. “I’m not going to take advantage of you.”  
  
“Oh, Paisley,” he slowly approached me and let his fingers curl around my upper arms, “you’re already taking more than advantage of me.”  
  
“I wasn’t any good anyway.”  
  
“I don’t believe that,” he shook his head and bent down to whisper in my ear, his hot breath causing goosebumps to rise. “I know what that mouth of yours can do…” His lips trailed down and started giving me those damn neck kisses again. “I know what sounds you can produce…”  
  
I wanted nothing more than to be mad at him, but I couldn’t. The shivers he sent down my spine were taking over my mind. I should have thought rationally, I should have used my logic. But I had missed his touch so much. My own selfish physical needs were overpowering my mental awareness.  
  
I should have pushed him away, but I only pulled him closer and toward my mouth. My body had to be pressed up against his. It was just how it had to be. This was where I was supposed to be.  
  
“Pays! I’m home!” Jack shouted throughout the house, the sound of the front door being pushed shut echoing right after.  
  
That was more than enough to get my brain working again as I pushed Alex away, but not because I was angry. “Shit, you have to leave.”  
  
“Right now?” Alex whined, removing his hands that had found their way to my bra straps.  
  
“No, why don’t we go out like this and show Jack exactly what we’ve been doing,” I sarcastically retorted due to my nerves. “Yes, right now!”  
  
“Pays?” Jack called out again.  
  
“Yeah! I’ll be out in a sec. I’m getting changed, I’m in my underwear right now.” Just a little white lie. I then turned to Alex and started pushing him toward the window, whisper-shouting, “out. _Now.”_  
  
“You really think that’s going to work?” He laughed silently. “Telling him you’re practically naked-- wait, that’s right. You guys still have to lose your virginities to each other.”  
  
“I swear to god, Alex,” I seethed and picked up all his clothes, forcing it against his chest and in his grip. “If you don’t leave now, I will never have sex with you again.”  
  
It was a hard ultimatum. One that I wasn’t happy with either if it were to be picked. It was so drastic that Alex still had that cocky smirk on his face. However, when he didn’t see my composure change, it dropped as fast as I had pushed him away during our first kiss.  
  
“Ok, ok, fine.” He held his clothes closely to his chest and pushed the window open.  
  
Due to the house only being one story, he managed to climb out without too much difficulty. I had only done it once before when the door handle had fallen off and Jack wasn’t home. It was possible to do.  
  
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alex winked when he was finally on the ground with both feet.  
  
I quickly rushed over to him before he could actually leave. “Don’t let my neighbors see you, especially not like this.”  
  
“Stop worrying,” his smirk returned and he reached in to place on last deep kiss on my lips.  
  
As he sneaked away, I closed the window and threw on the nearest dress I could find.  
  
I had almost let myself taint the bed I shared with my fiance.  
  
I took a deep breath and put my hair back up in its ponytail before opening the bedroom door to see Jack waiting just a few feet away.  
  
“Hey, baby,” I smiled sweetly.


	13. Thirteen

I was whistling a happy tune as I turned off the water and carefully stepped out of the bath. My feet sunk into the fluffy mat, softening my stance and bringing a smile to my face. The mirror was fogged up, showing off how long I had been enjoying the hot water sprinkling my bare skin. I pulled my towel off its hook and leaned forward to run it along the mirror, allowing me to see myself. With my vision no longer obstructed, I stared back at myself. My blonde hair was in wet strands, seemingly wavy but only in knots. I let the tips of my fingers trail lightly over the still sparkling skin of my shoulder. The touch was so soft. Biting my lip, I was imagining it was Alex touching me like he had done just mere hours before.  
  
Slowly, I replaced my fingers with my towel, drying off all the water droplets. I started up at my neck, moving down to my back and forward towards my stomach. I bent over and rubbed my towel over either stretched out leg. All I needed was time to let the motions flow over my body. There was no need to rush.  
  
It had been a great day. Alex had been home the entire day again and I only had to come over to be in his company. Once again, he had made me feel euphoric. It was like it was just us two and everybody else in the world had disappeared.  
  
With the images still floating around in my mind, I hung up my towel and gently ran the brush through my hair. No knot was left untouched until my hair was back in its smooth state.  
  
I reached back to turn off the light as I left the bathroom and entered the bedroom. Lately, I had been feeling much more confident. Alex had allowed me to realize the power of my body. I had never been insecure, I just felt indifferent. Now, I knew that slightly swaying my hips a little more than usual was all that was needed to make somebody swoon over me.  
  
Tugging at my bottom lip with my teeth, I thought about how Alex would react if he saw me right now. He’d be watching me from the bed, only his eyes following my figure. I’d take a peek at him, seeing him leaning back on his arms, his feet firmly on the floor. My whole body would start tingling with excitement as I loved the attention he was giving me. While my initial intention would have been to put on some clothes, I’d come up to him instead. The material of his jeans would scrape my thighs--  
  
If only I could have stayed at his house a little longer… but William had a playdate in the afternoon and it would have been too suspicious for me to be there when the other kid’s parents came to have some coffee.  
  
I didn’t even like coffee.  
  
After opening the closet doors to display the drawers and shelves, I sighed. Frustrated that I couldn’t feel the freedom of being naked forever, I ran my fingers through my hair and held it up in ponytail position. Before I could detangle it all and automatically reach for the drawer containing my underwear, the door flew open. I jumped back out of shock and turned towards the door to see who it was.  
  
Jack was stood there with his mouth agape, staring right at me. His tie was askew and loosened, the collar of his shirt already up, showing that he had been planning to get changed himself. I could see his chest rise as he took me in completely.  
  
“Jack,” I shrieked, more because I was startled than because of the actual fact that he was seeing me completely and fully naked for the first time. He had seen parts separately, but this was all at once.  
  
“Holy shit,” he gasped, dropping his bag and his mouth widening even further. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen so strongly before.  
  
If I could have, I would have stood there for longer just to figure out what I was seeing in him. It was an emotion I had noticed before, but not to such extent. If only Alex gave me that look whenever I was naked, then I would have been able to figure Jack out. But I wasn’t in any luck. It was completely new.  
  
“Jack!” I repeated again, scrambling to find something to cover myself with. Despite being next to a closet, I couldn’t find any clothing in time and instead hid behind the slim door.  
  
“Fuck, sorry!” He yelped back and picked up his bag before rushing out clumsily and throwing the door closed.  
  
I cautiously came out from behind the closet door and just stood there to process everything. My heart was thumping and adrenaline was coursing through my body. Part of me wanted to walk out as naked as I was and get another reaction out of him. That look he had given me was so… _exciting_. It wasn’t the same blazing yet tender look that Alex always gave me. But, still, there was something about it.  
  
I should have put on the baggiest sweatshirt I could find along with the baggiest sweatpants I could steal from Jack just to completely remove all the mental images he had of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was almost like it was fate that Jack saw me like that; it must have happened for a reason.  
  
I wore a tight deep cut tank top instead along with some pajama shorts I usually was very wary about. Jack would probably think I was doing it on purpose. Torturing, that is. Quite frankly, it was true. I was trying to get some response out of him that could help me place the emotions he was hiding.  
  
As I walked out to find him, I saw him sitting at the table in the kitchen. He seemed completely fine until his gaze fell on me. His eyes traveled up and down slowly as if painting a picture. My outfit obviously wasn’t helping with the pictures now permanently burned into his mind. He shook his head lightly as if trying to snap himself out of it but only failing to do so.  
  
“I, umm, didn’t know you were home so early,” he gulped, not being able to look straight at me. If I moved an inch to the left, I would be the focus of his gaze.  
  
“And I didn’t know you were going to be home so early either,” I replied and slowly approached him, taking partial blame. “If I had known, I would have brought my clothes with me into the bathroom.”  
  
He nodded and looked down at his hands as I sat across from him. “I’m sorry.”  
  
I shrugged a little, hoping he would look up at me again. “I mean, we’ve been together for five years, I’m more surprised that it has never happened before.”  
  
“I, uh, must say, though,” finally, he decided to give me what I wanted and gave me the same look with the same emotions as before and delicately took my left hand in his, “you are absolutely stunning. When we finally get married, it will be worth the wait. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes upon--not that I have seen many naked women…”  
  
I giggled at his correction as a blush spread across my cheeks. While so simple, his words flattered me, reminding me of why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. However, the blush was also out of fear. The guilt was weighing heavily upon me, screaming at me that all of his words were unjust. I didn’t deserve any of them.  
  
His look was only full of love and admiration for me and my body. Of course… after all, it was worth the wait…


	14. Fourteen

I froze when I entered Alex’s living room for the first time that day. What used to be a large elegant space no longer was as empty as it used to be. While I probably would have already noticed a small change such as a new picture frame or some fresh flowers in the glass vase on the table next to the smallest velvet couch, this was something nobody could miss. It was literally a huge change. What used to be a large empty space that was taken up just by a rug, two lounge chairs, a standing wooden lamp and a plant, had now been transformed. The only thing left was the rug, a black grand piano replacing the other pieces of furniture.  
  
“You like it?” Alex smirked as he waltzed into the room from the direction of where the kitchen was.  
  
“I mean…” I was flabbergasted and held in a breath as I let my hands drop to my sides to show that I didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t know you played.”  
  
“I don’t really,” he shrugged and walked up to the instrument, letting his fingers glide over the shiny top, “but I’m guessing you do.”  
  
“Well, yeah, but--” Still, I couldn’t find the words. So, I just gestured towards the piano and let out a confused sound.  
  
“I was also thinking about getting somebody to give William piano lessons, but I haven’t found anybody yet. For now, it’s all yours to play with.” He winked and came up to me before adding with a whisper. “Plus, it’s another surface for us to have sex on.”  
  
I snorted and pushed him away gently. I walked over to where the stool was and grazed the keys as if too afraid to make a noise. “On such a beautiful instrument? No way.”  
  
"It’s like you’ve never seen a piano before,” he chuckled deeply at my admiration and came to stand with his chest against my back.  
  
“One like this?!” I turned around so we were facing each other. “No, we had like five back home. Our house was so big that we needed so many.”  
  
“Okay, no need to make fun of me.” He shook his head at me and put his hand on my waist.  
  
“Kind sir, I believe you’re the one making fun of me.” I grinned back and circled my arms around his neck. “And I’ll have you know I have played one before on a frequent basis.”  
  
“Oh, so I’m going to have to buy four more to impress you?” He asked as he played along with the joke.  
  
“Indeed.” I gave him a nod and pulled him down to meet our lips in the middle.  
  
Although I had kissed him so many times before and by now knew all his moves, I always waited in anticipation to see what would come next. The same old scruff rubbing against my delicate chin still sent shivers down my body. The smell of his cologne still tickled my nose and heightened my senses. His hands still made me wish for further contact.  
  
“Hmm, I need to go to work.” Alex pulled away carefully and let his breath smother me.  
  
“Ok,” I whispered back, looking into his eyes and slowly removing my arms from his shoulders.  
  
“Remember,” he warned me before I could take a step away, “my parents are coming over for dinner tonight.”  
  
“And you want me to be there again because…?” I let my fingers walk up his chest as I stared at the path they were taking.  
  
“Because they want to see who I’m trusting to take care of Will,” he responded. “And because I can’t cook and get changed and set the table and entertain them all at the same time. Your food’s always way better anyway.”  
  
“Right.” I gave a curt nod and retracted my hand, officially breaking us apart so he could leave.  
  
It was only good that his work interrupted us this time. If it weren’t for him having to leave, my comment would have been false. We wouldn’t have stopped and before I would have known it, my naked body would have been sprawled over the still fingerprint-less black paint. The piano was being spared for now, just like my bed at home.  
  
I went on with my day as usual. It started off with waking William and helping him choose clothes to wear. Then came breakfast and cleaning up. Soon after, we played together and I had time to do the laundry for the week. Then we had lunch together and put those dishes in the dishwasher. With more energy inside of him, Will and I played outside until he got tired out and it was time for a nap. I had some time to myself, this time spent staring at the piano while I tried to get other things done.  
  
It wasn’t until William woke up again that I dared to play the piano. The evening was starting to approach and I had already put some of the food on the stove. I decided to sit on the stool and just enjoyed the feeling of the keys without playing a note. However, when Will decided to see what I was doing, I couldn't resist hoisting him up off the ground and putting him on my lap.  
  
“Hey, William,” I spoke up, an idea sparking in my mind, “do you know the _Sound Of Music_?”  
  
He rapidly nodded his head and had a big smile on his face. “I watched it with daddy a lot!”  
  
“Well, then you should definitely know this song…” I started playing a song I used to play a lot just mere years before. I hadn’t touched a piano in the same amount of time, yet I still knew exactly which keys came next. It all came to me so naturally, it was like I had never left my dream of pursuing a music career.  
  
 _“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens  
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens  
Brown paper packages tied up with strings  
These are a few of my favorite things”_  
  
William’s face lit up even more when he did recognize which song I was singing, trying to mouth the words along with me.  
  
 _“Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels  
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles  
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings  
These are a few of my favorite things  
  
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes  
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes  
Silver white winters that melt into springs  
These are a few of my favorite things”_  
  
“Come on, sing along with me,” I encouraged him and looked down while I continued to play the melody on the piano. “You should know the next words.”  
  
William tried his best to sing along, but could only manage to mumble out things that sounded like the lyrics, able to loudly sing the few words that he did know.  
  
 _“When the dog bites, when the bee stings  
When I'm feeling sad  
I simply remember my favorite things  
And then I don't feel so bad”_  
  
I went straight to the outro, ignoring that all the verses had to be repeated. What I didn’t expect, however, was that there would be clapping coming from the doorway.  
  
“I thought you said you weren’t any good,” Alex teased as he entered the room, two older people in tow--I was guessing they were his parents.  
  
“My point still stands,” I retorted as William stretched out his arms to try and hit some of the keys himself. The sounds he created sounded out of order, but he was having fun doing so. I just didn’t want Alex to offer to sign me. He had already practically bought a piano just for me, he had given me a dress before we even started sleeping together, I didn’t want him to give that to me as well. If I actually was any good, then I should have been able to get the record deal all by myself.  
  
Alex shook his head lightly at me, giving me a look to tell me that he thought I was being way too modest. However, he wasn’t the one to start speaking again first, his mother was. “You’re going to have to give that boy piano lessons now, he’s hooked! He doesn’t even notice his own grandparents are here!”  
  
I tapped William’s shoulder, getting his attention and told him to look at who was here. When his eyes fell on Alex’s parents, he couldn’t get off my lap faster. He ran up to them similar to the way he had done with his aunt during his birthday. It was like he had a similar routine he used for all of his loved family members.  
  
While that was going on, Alex looked at me as if I would be jumping at the chance to give Will lessons. However, I shook my head like my life depended on it. “Don’t even think about asking me. I’ve tried giving kids lessons before, it was not really my thing…”  
  
“Are you sure?” He nonetheless asked me. “I’d happily give you a raise.”  
  
“No, really, I can’t teach somebody else how to play an instrument. It isn’t my thing,” I still denied.  
  
He came a little closer to me, a little too close if you asked me with his parents just a few feet away. “I’m still cool with giving you a raise, though, you’ve been doing really well.”  
  
“I don’t think that’s necessary.” I shook my head and took a step away from him, hoping he would understand that he couldn’t do anything risky around his parents  
  
“I mean,” he shrugged like it was no big deal, “I recently got a raise just for doing my job. So why not spend it on giving you a raise as well?”  
  
I frowned and continued to disagree. “No, you should spend it on a brand new shiny car or something. Don’t pay me more than you already are.”  
  
“You’d rather have me get you a new car?” He questioned in a surprised tone. “I can do that.”  
  
“No, no, not for _me_. For _yourself_.”  
  
“Why would I do that?” He huffed and started in the direction of William to greet him.  
  
I was afraid that he would actually come home one day with a new car. He’d drag me outside, confusing me, and then he’d show off the car. I, of course, would think it was his and compliment him on it. Only, he would turn the compliment around. Then I would get confused and he would drop the keys in my hands. Alex was unpredictable concerning whether or not he’d do such a drastic gesture, but he was so predictable when he decided to go through with it. I did not want his petty little gifts. So, I knew that if it were to ever happen, I would not react in the way he would want me to. I’d make it difficult for him.  
  
While I finished off making dinner, I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to impress Alex’s parents. I kept freaking myself out about it, wondering if I would make a good impression, wondering if I’d be good enough for them. But I was going too far with my thoughts. I only had to show that I was responsible enough to take care of William while Alex was at work. Nothing else mattered. I wasn’t in a relationship with Alex. I wasn’t ‘meeting the parents’. Well, I technically was, but not to that extent. Although, part of me knew Alex’s parents weren’t actually here because they wanted to know who was taking care of their grandson, but because Alex had invited them over.  
  
It only made me want to have a little fun with him.  
  
So, after we had all taken a seat at the dining table while we were waiting for the food to be ready, Alex insisted he help me take it out. I started putting everything that was in the pans on plates and in bowls. Usually, when it was just me, William, and Alex, I didn’t care and just dropped the pan or pot on the table as if I was some lunch lady, but I assumed things had to be a little different when there was company around.  
  
“Anything you want me to do?” Alex asked, leaning against one of the counters as he watched me transfer everything.  
  
“Hmm… yeah,” I nodded and rather than standing next to him to grab a large spoon from behind him, I was in front of him.  
  
As I leaned forward to reach for the spoon, I acted like I lost my balance and as if the only way to steady myself was by keeping my hand on his crotch. His entire body stiffened up at the contact, showing that he was trying not to show any reaction  
  
“Sorry,” I smiled innocently at him and started my way back to the food.  
  
However, before I could get further than a step away, his hand was on my arm and keeping me in place. He whispered huskily, “you can’t just do that.”  
  
“Do what?”  
  
“You know exactly what.”  
  
Instead of trying to act like I really was oblivious, I bit my lip and slowly released it as I turned around and out of his grip. You can bet your ass I skipped with a slight sway, knowing he loved the red skirt I was wearing. Messing with him now would only make the next occasion we had some time alone together so much better.  
  
However, what seemed like a little fun to me turned out to bite me back a little later. The food had been eaten and we were all just conversing, William sitting at the end of the table with the pens I had gotten him for his birthday. Alex’s parents were really nice. Honestly, if this had been an important first meeting, I would have considered it to be very successful. But it didn’t matter how this went. After all, it was all up to Alex whether or not I was allowed in this house anymore, his parents didn’t get a say in that. If this were actually a relationship, then things would have been very different.  
  
“So, Paisley, you haven’t told us much about yourself,” Alex’s mother spoke. It was true, I just decided to listen to the stories and only say something when it was relevant, including a few stories about my life. But I never really came up with a story to tell myself. Like I had said many times before, I didn’t like to mix my work life with my private life, especially if it meant mixing Alex into it all and making it impossible to hide the thing between us.  
  
I shrugged, still not thinking it was necessary. “What’s there to say?”  
  
“You were able to play the piano quite well, there must be something behind that, right?”  
  
“I haven’t played in quite some time,” I shrugged it off. “I briefly played piano in a hotel lobby, but I decided it wasn’t really for me. Turns out I didn’t enjoy the evening shifts all that much.”  
  
“Oh, why’s that?” Alex’s dad asked to keep the conversation going.  
  
“My fiance has a nine to five job, so our schedules just didn’t work out together. I’d go almost as soon as he came home and I’d come home late. We rarely got to see each other.” It came out so easily. I didn’t want to bring up Jack with Alex sitting next to me. But every question that ever had anything to do with Jack, I was so used to answering. Well, that was except if Alex was the one questioning me.  
  
“You’re getting married?!” Alex’s mom smiled brightly, clapping her hands together. “Oh, how exciting! Have you set a date yet?”  
  
“No… We’ve been engaged for over a year now, but--” I shook my head and nearly choked when I suddenly felt Alex’s hand on my thigh. I tried to play it off, seeing that his parents hadn’t noticed anything. “But we know we don’t have the money yet. We’re just waiting it out a little bit. We are only twenty, anyway. There’s no harm in waiting a little longer.”  
  
“Of course not,” she agreed with me. “You know, Peter and I…”  
  
I couldn’t concentrate on the story that was being told. Alex’s hand had moved its way up my skirt and up my bare leg. I just nodded and tried to smile along at what was being said while all my senses were focused on the burning feeling Alex was leaving behind. Everything in me wanted him to touch me further and more intimately, begging for all my sensations to be addressed. My heart was yearning for him to make it race again, my lungs were preparing for the moans he could make me emit. But when the tips of his fingers pushed past the fabric of my panties, I chickened out.  
  
I cleared my throat and pushed his hand away hopefully without making him move in a suspicious way. My eyes fell onto Will, who was barely able to stay awake. “I think it’s time I get William ready for bed.”  
  
I stood up abruptly, not sure if I had just interrupted somebody or not. I just couldn’t let myself be tempted in front of people.  
  
William was more than happy to oblige when I started guiding him towards the stairs. All I had to do was help him get changed and tuck him in. As soon as he was under the covers, he fell asleep. It wasn’t enough time to make me forget what Alex had done, but it was enough to let me breathe.  
  
What did not help was Alex standing outside the door as I left the room. He claimed he wanted to say goodnight to William, but I knew better than that. The small breather hadn’t given me enough strength to push him away and tell him that we couldn’t have sex with his son just having gone to bed and with his parents downstairs maybe also wanting to say goodnight to him.  
  
What I can tell you, however, is that we had to come up with an excuse as to why we stayed upstairs longer. It might have been wrong to make up a story revolving around William and his fear of monsters, but it worked.


	15. Fifteen

Once again, I was washing up the dishes in the Gaskarth household. This time, it wasn’t because the dishes weren’t dishwasher safe, but because the dishwasher was already completely full. I couldn’t stand leaving dirty dishes on the counter for anybody and myself to see out in the open, I had to clean them up. With William out on a playdate and Alex working with no distractions in his library, it was all I had to do.  
  
As I stood there, rubbing the sponge over the ceramic plate, I looked out of the window. I thought back to the beginning when I once watched Alex outside with his friends. He was just talking to them, not doing anything to try and get me worked up. But that was all it took to turn me on as I thought about the things he would whisper to me and the way he would touch me. I could still imagine the sweat forming on his skin as the sun beamed down on him.  
  
The beach chairs were empty, the water in the pool only rippling due to the soft breeze in the air. It was just as quiet outside as it was inside. Part of me wanted to sneak into Alex’s office and just get him to look up from that laptop screen for a bit. With William not here, we could do anything our hearts desired. I knew that I could entice him if I really wanted to. All I had to do was put down the plate in my hands, walk out of the kitchen and to the foyer. There, he would already be able to see my shadow as I tiptoed my way into the room where we officially started our affair. To fully catch his attention, I’d pull my hair out of its ponytail and shake the loose strands a little. If he still didn’t acknowledge my intentions, I’d close his laptop, move it to the side, and then climb onto the desk.  
  
But I was selfish. I wanted him to take initiative. It always felt so much better that way. He’d always feel like he was the one who started it, but really I was awaiting it all along, causing him to show the dominance he believed he had.  
  
For now, I just let my eyes close as I continued to rub the same plate clean. Alex knew where I was, he could come to me.  
  
And he did.  
  
While still all I could see was black, I could feel a presence behind me. I leaned into the touch as his lips made contact with the skin on my neck. He softly sucked as he broke away, careful not to leave a mark, before moving the same sensation half an inch to the right, closer to my shoulder. My eyes stayed closed as I subconsciously tugged my lips between my teeth and let my fantasies become reality.  
  
“I got you something,” Alex whispered in a husky voice in between the slight nipping.  
  
“Hmm?” I urged him to continue before a small gasp escaped past my lips, thinking this was what he had gotten me.  
  
“Yeah,” he stopped the kisses but his hot breath continued to send chills down my spine, “I want you to wear this.”  
  
When I opened my eyes, I was met with a sheer set of white lingerie in front of me. Alex must have chosen what tickled his fancy. The bra was made out of a barely-there fabric that would melt into my skin, the top line embroidered with delicate white flowers. The panties weren’t any different. They were just as fine as the fabric meant to support my breasts, the same lace accentuating the hem. It was nothing like I owned. If anything, it was the complete opposite.  
  
“This is all I want you to wear when you’re working around here,” he repeated with a slight adjustment as he sensually kissed the nape of my neck again.  
  
I softly shook my head and pushed away his hand, which was holding out the undergarments for me to see. “Most of the time, I’m around Will. I don’t think you want him seeing me like that.”  
  
“But he’s not here now,” Alex commented with what I could hear was a smirk.  
  
Rather than letting him convince me with his captivating neck kisses, I put the plate on the drying rack and turned around. His eyes were betraying him. He was trying to make it seem like I needed to do more to turn him on, but the hungry look said otherwise. I hadn’t been the only one compiling all our experiences into a new scenario.  
  
“I thought you preferred me without anything on,” I teased as I rested my arms over his shoulders and ran my fingers through the hair lower down on his head.  
  
“True,” he admitted with a nod and looked down between us, taking a not so subtle glance, “but this would be a nice starter.”  
  
“Alright.” I winked and took the set from him.  
  
I kicked off my shoes as I left the kitchen to show that I, indeed, was actually going to change. Or so he thought. He just needed to believe I was going to go somewhere to try on whatever size lingerie he got me for his pleasure. But just as I was about to take the last step out of the kitchen, I pulled my shirt over my head. I could hear Alex sneakily follow me as I started toward the living room, pulling off my shorts in the hallway so I was left in just my own underwear. Once I was in the middle of the room, I abruptly turned around and stared at Alex, who was watching me from the doorway. I kept eye contact as I reached back and unclasped my bra, letting the straps fall down my arms before I hooked my pointer fingers on my panties and let them drop to the floor as well.  
  
“Ok…” Alex nodded with a gulp, coming to join me and stopping me from attempting to put on what he bought. “No need to put that on anymore. That’s for another time.”  
  
I tugged on his shirt, forcing him to step closer to me, and circled my arms around his neck. Rather than pushing myself up against him, I leaned back and swung us a little bit. “I’m never going to wear it.”  
  
He gasped in mock-offense, “what, why not?”  
  
“Well, Mr. Gaskarth,” I already knew what was going to come next and I switched my position so that I could quietly mumble against his ear while standing on my tiptoes, “it’s really nice white underwear. I can only wear such a thing on my wedding day.”  
  
“Wedding day, huh?”  
  
“Mh-hm,” I nodded and tugged at his ear with my teeth. “You should come and make an appearance, on the bride’s side of course, but be quick. You’ll have to whisk me away before Jack and I consummate our marriage. There’s only one man who can see me like this.”  
  
“He’s no man.” Alex pulled away so we were face to face, our lower bodies still touching, and his hands finding a firm grip on my waist.  
  
“No?” I looked at him innocently, loving it whenever he got riled up like this.  
  
He shook his head to confirm what he said before. “Not when he’s never had the balls to touch you like this.” With no warning, his hand dropped down and touched me in my most intimate place, causing me to gasp loudly. “To make you feel the things you deserve.”  
  
He started curling his fingers and applying more pressure with his thumb. We had barely even started and I already had to lean into him to support myself. He could manage to make my legs weak and tremble with just the slightest of movements.  
  
“I bet you he would never dare to do this,” he growled as he slowly pushed one finger in and continued to make me moan with the power of just one barely-moving hand.  
  
“Alex,” I whined through a moan, wanting him to stop his torturing, “please.”  
  
“You can’t fool me.” He shook his head and instead slowed down his movements even more, making my toes curl in anticipation as I felt his finger moving along. “You don’t just get what you want by testing me like this.”  
  
“At least take off your jeans,” I begged as I rocked down on his hand, hoping to speed up the pace, feeling the fabric against the inside of my thighs.  
  
“Trying to trick me again? I don’t think so. You’ve got to wait your turn.”  
  
“No,” I pleaded, still hoping he’d give in to my request, “you’re going to give me a friction burn.”  
  
“Another way to show you can’t just play me.” He smirked and attacked my neck, only this time not as sensually as in the kitchen. It nearly put me under a spell, letting him get his way while I obliged.  
  
 _Nearly_.  
  
“I swear to god, Alex,” I grumbled and took my own initiative. While he was momentarily distracted by the nips and kisses he was giving me, I created more space between us in spite of my pleasure. “If you’re going to give me a friction burn, I won’t have sex with you for at least another week.”  
  
“That’s not that fair is it?” He winked, still believing he had the power here. “I won’t be the only one suffering. There’s nowhere else for you to go.”  
  
Rather than letting him manipulate me into his ways, I harshly tugged on his belt, taking him by surprise. In one go, it was unbuckled, and with my desperation, I managed to pop his button and pull down the zipper as well. With nothing to hold me back, I pushed his jeans down to his knees, making sure the scratchy fabrics would no longer be able to ruin it for me.  
  
“Really, Alex,” I shook my head disapprovingly, “do I really have to do everything myself?”  
  
“No more ‘Mr. Gaskarth’?” He asked, seeming way too amused with that stupid lopsided grin of his.  
  
“Hmm.” I refused to humor him, and took his shirt off, pushing on his chest until we were closer to one of the couches. “Sit.”  
  
“Oh, so we’re switching the roles now?” He fell back onto the couch and eyed my naked body.  
  
“Well, it seems like you don’t want to take care of me, so I’m going to have to do it myself.” I looked down at him, trying to think of a plan. I could do anything I desired.  
  
“I’m sorry, but if I recall correctly, I was taking care of you.” He wiggled his fingers in a teasing manner.  
  
I shook my head to show that that was, one, not what I meant, and two, not good enough. A small mischievous smile played at my lips as I placed my knees on either side of him, just hovering too far over his lap to straddle him. Tangling my fingers in his hair, I made him look up and started a hungry kiss. It was so easy to reverse how things had started.  
  
He tried his best to keep up with me, wanting to show he was still in control by sneakily adding his tongue and winning some dominance. But I was one step ahead of him. I made sure not to kiss him too hard, to make him extend his back to try and get to me. Of course, I could easily smother him and battle for the dominance, but it so much more fun to take it all away from him.  
  
I started lowering my body and thrust into him, his boxers the only thing keeping us apart. A smirk formed on my face, knowing that I had gotten here just because I didn’t want his jeans chafing me, meaning I could now do it as hard as I possibly wanted without any pain. The only thing left to do was the first action that had gotten us here in the first place. With my fingers still in his hair on the back of his head, I pulled a little so his head went back up. My lips left his mouth and moved to his jawline before I worked down to his neck. I wasn’t as careful and sensual. He had nothing to hide when he left this house. My teeth came in to play more often than not, causing Alex to grab my hips and help me grind onto him, already fully aroused.  
  
“I presume my initial intention of getting a blowjob out of this isn’t going to happen anymore,” Alex breathed out, somehow still having the strength to speak in a hushed tone.  
  
I let out a low chuckle and broke away from his neck. With my forefinger and thumb, I took hold of his chin and once again shifted his face to look right at me. “You’re finally right about something.”  
  
With my final statement, I hovered over him again and shuffled his boxers off as far as I could with him sitting down. All it needed was a few inches and a quick yank to let him spring free from his boxers. No need to move it down completely.  
  
“You better warn me, you hear?” I instructed sternly as I held the base and started lowering down until he was just at my entrance. “You don’t want to spill all over your nice velvet couch, now do you?”  
  
“I’ll just get you to clean it up,” he retorted back, challenging me.  
  
“I sure as hell won’t.” I gave him a smile that was overly sweet. To show that that was final, I let my hand stroke him once before I took him in.  
  
I used my knees as leverage to let myself bounce up and down and rock back and forth. After falling into a rhythm that satisfied me, I grabbed one of Alex’s wrists and brought his hand up my thigh. If I was going to finish, I was going to need his help, whether he liked it or not. But all I got from him were groans and not a single twitch of the fingers. To make clear that I was not fucking around, I tugged on his right ear with my teeth and urged him closer. I moaned loudly against the skin of his neck when he finally got the hint.  
  
My rhythm stayed constant as we were both enjoying the moment.  
  
“Paisley…” Alex grumbled, throwing his head back over the backrest.  
  
“Not yet,” I replied, making my movements deeper and slower.  
  
“You told me to warn you,” he urgently groaned, “well, I’m fucking warning you.”  
  
“I said, _not yet!”_ I growled back, feeling him twitch slightly. “Hold back. I’m not done yet.”  
  
“It’s not that easy,” he panted, his eyes shut tightly so they were just thin lines with wrinkles. “You’re the one who didn’t want foreplay.”  
  
“Not at the speed you were going, so you better speed up now.”  
  
He did as he was told. His fingers worked like his life depended on it. He added more pressure and more circles, making tingles shoot up my body. As much as I wanted to keep my composure, I gave in. I slumped over as my own movements became restricted from the immense pleasure I was experiencing. Knowing that all I needed was his thumb to get me to orgasm, I got off him and sat on his lap. As I let him finish me off, he was finally able to reach his own release. This time, it wasn’t my stomach that needed cleaning off, but his own.  
  
I buried my face in the crook of his neck as I tried to catch my breath. He trailed the tips of his fingers over my spine as if it was supposed to help calm me down. It only excited my overly-sensitive skin further.  
  
Alex nudged his nose against my cheek to get me to face him. However, I just rolled my head a bit further to the side, like that would be good enough. I could only acknowledge him, not actually interact.  
  
“I’ll admit, that wasn’t too bad,” Alex told me with a cocky grin.  
  
“You can try and act like what you had in mind would have been better, but you know that would be a lie,” I teased back. “Plus, expect a round two now that I don’t have a friction burn.”


	16. Sixteen

I was in a room I had barely been in before. The only time I had been in here was when William decided he wanted to watch his favorite movie on ‘the big screen’. Little did I know back then that ‘the big screen’ was an in-home cinema. Everything was projected on a white screen that took up an entire wall, a few two-person leather couches with cup holders placed behind each other as if it were an actual cinema.  
  
I was bent over one of those brown couches this time. My skirt had been pushed up, my panties pushed to the side. Alex was stood behind me, a firm grip on my hips, his belt long on the floor. To make up for the times I took the power away from him, I let him decide what we were doing this time. It started with a movie and ended with me being in this position.  
  
Alex kept pulling me down on to him as he thrust in, making me scream out in pleasure every single time. The pressure his fingers put on my skin only made the build up inside me greater and greater. Despite my elbows becoming painful from holding up my weight, I wanted him to go harder and faster. I was so close to seeing the universe unfold from the stars that were already clouding my eyes.  
  
I was about to moan out his name, the thought of waking up William in the room upstairs nowhere close to my conscious thoughts, when something else happened.  
  
“Oh shit!” A man, somebody who most definitely was not Alex, exclaimed from the doorway.  
  
Although we had closed the door in case somebody like William walked past, we hadn’t been bothered to lock it. It wasn’t necessary while we were watching a movie, and neither of us thought about it when things started getting heated. All I wanted was Alex to touch me.  
  
But now we had been caught.  
  
“Fuck, sorry!” The person added before running out and slamming the door shut.  
  
While Alex had frozen and looked at the familiar-sounding man, he had no trouble falling back into pace as soon as the door had been closed. It was like we hadn’t been interrupted at all. However, I had no idea who had just seen us. My heart was beating rapidly, and not just from the hot activities I had been in the middle of doing. Instead of pleasure tingling throughout me, it was now dread prickling my nerves.  
  
“Alex, stop,” I told him, more annoyed out of fear than anything.  
  
I didn’t expect him to stop, he always continued to pursue, but for once he actually pulled out and stopped immediately. It was like even he knew that this situation called for it. This wasn’t just me trying to get back at him, this was me genuinely being uncomfortable for a good reason. Maybe Alex was thinking about it himself, only continuing cause I had stiffened up for a few seconds and he believed that meant he should continue, or it could have been the tone of my voice. There was no teasing behind it whatsoever.  
  
“W-who was it?” I asked him, my eyes wide as I stared at the door where the, still, stranger had been standing. I was sat on the leather couch now, not having to bother with my clothes since I still had them all on. We were supposed to do this quickly before William woke up from his nap, there had been no time for all the tedious things.  
  
“Rian,” Alex answered simply, still standing with only his shirt on. He slowly bent down and pulled up his boxers and jeans in one go.  
  
“Fuck…” I groaned. He was friends with Zack. He would tell Zack. Zack would tell my brother. My brother would tell Jack despite having the best intentions for me. Jack would break up with me. I couldn’t have him break up with me. That would be the end of my world and everything in it.  
  
“Hey, hey,” Alex sat on his haunches in front of me, his voice lowering to become comforting. It was only then that I notice I was outing my worry through my breathing and the expression on my face, “it’s going to be ok. He can’t have seen you. We awkwardly made eye contact, and other than that, all he could have seen was my bare ass.”  
  
“What about my hair?” I panicked nonetheless. “He must have recognized my hair!”  
  
“Good we left it up in its bun this time, huh?” He gave me a comforting smile and stroked my cheek.  
  
“And my clothes? What about my clothes?” I cried, not understanding why he was so calm. It wasn’t like he could ask Rian to keep quiet about it. As loyal as somebody was, keeping a secret like this was impossible. If one person knows, everybody knows.  
  
“Paisley, it’s going to be ok,” he repeated as if he knew it was a fact, not something that was still open. “I promise.”  
  
I gulped and stared at him, staring into his eyes to see if there was any dishonesty. It was just his warm brown eyes looking back at me, there was no hidden intention… if anything, it was strangely comforting, yet distressing at the same time. There was something so familiar about it.  
  
I continued to take deep breaths, hoping to be as calm as Alex. If he could stay so composed, then I had to be able to do it as well. But I had so much more to lose than him.  
  
“Look, to solidify my promise, I’m going to give you this.” He reached into his back pocket, somehow making a silver chain appear. When he opened his hand, I saw the single charm on it. It wasn’t as cliche as I expected from him. It was a simply crafted silver rose hanging from its stalk. All the leaves and petals managed to be so detailed despite its size.  
  
“I don’t think there’s any better time to give it to you than now.” He let the pendant rest against my collarbone as he stood up a little to reach back and close the lock behind my neck.  
  
As much as I appreciated the gesture and normally would have declined it, it wasn’t like my heart had stopped racing and allowed me to think clearly. “But what if he did see?”  
  
“Look, if you’re really that afraid, you can leave through the ‘secret’ entrance. You can get to the pool maintenance room if you go through the room back there with all the electrical switches for this room.” He pointed at a black door that was at the end of the rows of couches as opposed to the entrance door all the way to the front and close to the screen. “You can then exit the pool maintenance, the door locks itself from the outside. If I’m correct, the outside door to the laundry room is still open. Your clothes from two days ago, the ones I spilled beer over, should be washed. You can put those on and exit like you were in there all along.”  
  
“Sounds like you’ve planned this all out,” I accused and crossed my arms.  
  
He shook his head with a chuckle. “No, I just locked myself out multiple times when the pool actually needed some maintenance and the door kept closing. The laundry room has always been my savior. Everything else is purely coincidental.”  
  
“Ok, then.” I nodded, praying this would work. It was my only option if Rian had seen us as I had feared.  
  
“Good.” Alex got up to his feet, staying bent down a little to press a kiss to my forehead.  
  
He led me to the door and opened it for me like the ‘gentleman’ he was. Just minutes ago we were having hot sex, and now he was all sweet and compassionate. He even gave me one last kiss that wasn’t lust filled as a good luck.  
  
As I started walking my way around the house all the way to the opposite end to the laundry room, making sure Rian couldn’t see me through the windows, I thought about the emotion I had seen in Alex’s eyes. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t figured it out before, but I knew why it was so familiar. Although a different pair of eyes from a completely different human being, I could recognize Alex looking at me the same exact way Jack did. Hence why it was so comforting. Jack was my home. However, that was also why it was so disconcerting. Alex was looking at me the same way Jack did, and I did not know why.  
  
I got changed in the laundry room, picking up a basket with clean clothes that Alex had folded himself, acting as if I had just been doing it. As I left the room, I was cautious. I knew that Rian was somewhere, but I did not know where. I had to act natural, but that was difficult to do if I didn’t know when to do so. Right now, I was just sneaking around.  
  
Eventually, I just found him in the foyer, looking around at the walls awkwardly. To make it as realistic as possible, I moved back a few steps and started walking as I normally would do.  
  
I did a small jump and brought my hand to my chest when I ‘saw’ Rian standing there. “Oh, Rian, you gave me a fright!”  
  
He turned around and a frown immediately flashed across his face. Quickly, it was replaced with confusion and he looked towards the direction of the other wing of the house. “What? Weren’t you just--”  
  
“Just what?” I asked obliviously, adding my own puzzled expression.  
  
“No… nothing…” He shook his head and rubbed his temple, probably retracting all his thoughts. So, I had been right, Rian had figured out it was me with Alex in the home cinema.  
  
“Have you seen Alex?” I continued to question to support my innocence. “I believe I heard him come home, but I haven’t seen him.”  
  
He closely inspected me from afar and glanced down the hallway again. “Are you sure you weren’t just in the movie room?”  
  
“Is that where Alex is?” I laughed softly and started in that direction. “I have to tell him I need to leave soon and since he’s home he should be able to do without me.”  
  
“No!” Rian stopped me, his hands outstretched. “Wait. I wouldn’t go in there.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“No, he’s, umm, he’s…”  
  
“He’s what?” I continued to play unaware.  
  
Rian clicked his tongue and made a large gesture with his hands as he made up an excuse. “He… likes to watch... porn in there…?”  
  
Even I could hear that that was a lie and that Rian couldn’t actually believe he had just said that. However, I just acted dumb. “On a gigantic screen? Is that really a good idea with a four-year-old son? What if he walks in?”  
  
“That’s what I think too!” He blurted out with a deep breath, relieved that I still managed to fall for it.  
  
“Well, okay, then.” I smiled at him and headed for the stairs instead. “I’m going to finish putting away the laundry. Will you tell Alex I had to leave when he’s done… done with whatever he does in there…”  
  
“Will do.” Rian gave me a nod and let his hands drop to his side as I went up the stairs.  
  
It killed me to play the girl who believed everything in this world was good. But I had other things on my mind that were more concerning.  
  



	17. Seventeen

It felt strange being home earlier again. It wasn’t because I constantly came home late, I often did actually come back at a reasonable time. Sure, I never came home before Jack did, but still. Not even the fact that Rian had caught us had me shaken up anymore. He had been taken care of, he no longer believed Alex and I were having an affair. But everything else had been making my mind race.  
  
Even when I was driving, I noticed myself being lost in my thoughts more often than not. I really did try to snap myself out of it, I couldn’t afford the dangerous behavior. Yet it continued to happen. I had angry drivers honk at me when I reacted too late to a traffic light turning green and I occasionally forgot to pay attention to what was happening around me.  
  
I managed to make it home safe, but I shouldn’t have been able to.  
  
When I entered the house, I saw Jack sitting on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table and a glass of water just inches away from being knocked over. He craned his neck to look over the backrest when he heard me shut the front door and gave me a bright welcoming smile. Usually, I could match up to it and I’d run up to give him a peck on the lips. But this time, I didn’t have the right mood nor the energy to do so. Physically, I was there, but mentally I was nowhere to be found.  
  
I kicked my shoes off and didn’t bother setting them straight like all the other pairs pushed against the wall close to the door. As I entered the living room, I threw my keys on the counter the separated the kitchen from the rest.  
  
“Pays?” Jack carefully asked, his feet now on the floor, his gaze still on me. “Are you okay?”  
  
I nodded and started trudging up to him. “Just tired.”  
  
“Come ‘ere,” he told me and opened his arms after turning off the TV.  
  
I sat down and rested my head against his shoulder as he pulled my legs onto his lap.  
  
“Long day?” He asked, kissing the top of my head.  
  
“I guess you can say so.” I shrugged and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck. As I took a deep breath, I let my eyes slip closed. Something about Jack was so comforting. I could never get at such ease with anybody else. He managed to make me feel better in no time, even faster than when I would crawl into my parents' bed when I was a child and there was a thunderstorm going on outside.  
  
He breathed in as if he was about to say something else, but there wasn’t a word that left his mouth. The air was in his lungs for way too long, waiting to burst out. It was finally allowed to escape as his fingers grazed the right side of my neck, which was open to the world. “What happened here?”  
  
In no time, my heart managed to start thumping loudly in my chest allowing me to feel it myself. There was no way I could play dumb with what I knew it was. Well, what I _believed_ it was. It couldn’t have been anything other than Alex leaving his mark. I couldn’t recall him purposely working just a tad too long on one area, but there was no other reason why something was residing on my neck.  
  
Yet, still, in fear and shock, I tried to look at where Jack had been gesturing, which was physically impossible. “What?”  
  
“You have a bruise. What happened?”  
  
I was unsure if Jack was challenging me, trying to get me to admit everything that had been happening behind his back, or if he actually was that oblivious. He wasn’t to blame, I was known as the perfect little blonde girl who could do no wrong.  
  
I felt horrible giving the excuse I gave. “William threw one of his toys at me, I didn’t know it actually caused a bruise. It didn’t hurt all that much.”  
  
“Oh.” Jack nodded and relaxed back into the couch. It almost seemed as if it didn’t matter anymore, but it was only because he wanted to give himself some space to run his fingers through my hair in a comforting way. “Is that why you’re so upset?”  
  
I shrugged, snuggling back into his body. “I guess…”  
  
“He’s just a kid. He probably didn’t mean to actually hurt you,” Jack told me in a soft and calming voice.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah, as a kid you don’t exactly know how to out your emotions. It was probably just a temporary feeling.”  
  
“A temporary feeling,” I repeated in a mumbled, picking at the dry skin on my lips with my fingernails, “are you sure? The gesture was pretty clear.”  
  
“Of course, I can’t read his mind, but it’s most definitely my guess,” Jack confirmed, rubbing my right leg with his hand. “It was probably an in-the-moment thing.”  
  
“Nevertheless, he still did it,” I contradicted, taking my hand away from my lips. “Why would he do it if he didn’t mean to?”  
  
He just chuckled and shook his head lightly at me.  
  
“I’m being serious, Jack!” I whined in desperation. “Why would he do it? It wasn’t like he could try to play it off like an accident. His emotions were full-on on display. I’m pretty sure I know exactly what it meant.”  
  
“Pays,” he continued his soft laughter, “I think you’re over analyzing this. It’s just a four-year-old kid. They tend to act out, especially when angry.”  
  
It was almost like his words shocked me. I had completely forgotten that we were talking about an alleged thing William did. That poor kid was always the one who got blamed for things when Alex and I were actually doing something we weren’t supposed to.  
  
“Hmm…” I sat still, not daring to move an inch with the revelation I had.  
  
“You’ve worked with many unruly kids before,” Jack explained to the best of his abilities. You’d almost say that he was the one supposed to be babysitting. “I get that it must be a shock with it coming from this kid that has done nothing but be nice to you, but things just happen the way they do. It’s not just the rebellious kids that overreact sometimes.”  
  
The problem was that I was the reckless kid, not William. I was the one acting out. I was just lucky that nothing was giving me away.


	18. Eighteen

I came home one day, way earlier than usual. Yes, it meant that Alex had come home early that same day. Usually, I’d hang out for another while longer just so I could spend a ‘little’ time with him. It was what I looked out for every day. I’d be waiting on his hot breath hitting my skin again, his rough dry hands holding me in place, the taste of his lips of mine. Anticipation would run throughout me, wondering what would happen. Nothing was ever expected.  
  
However, there was no point for me to stay around longer this time. A couple of his friends came over again, including Rian, meaning I couldn’t do anything but leave. Despite having diverted Rian from finding out the dirty truth, I didn’t want to risk it. I finished off what I had been busy doing and woke William up before slipping into the living room and telling the boys that I was going to start leaving.  
  
Alex claimed to have to pay me back for some food I had bought for myself and William when he forgot to buy groceries and followed me out to the front door. He didn’t let me leave without giving me a deep kiss first. I could tell he was trying to entice me with the trance he could put me in and pull me into his office. But I was smarter than that. With his friends just a wall away, nothing could be risked. As often as we had gotten away with it, I had had my wake up call.  
  
It was still early on in the afternoon when I arrived home. With Jack working a ‘normal’ nine to five job, I believed I was home earlier than him for once. I thought about surprising him with a nice dinner and some movies. If needed, I even had time to still go out and get some groceries to make the meals. We hadn’t been spending as much time together as we should have, and I was determined to make up for it.  
  
But when I entered the house, something was off. The shoes Jack usually wore weren’t in their ordered place on the shoe rack. Just the fact that they were actually in the hallway was already disconcerting. The black leather was staring back at me, mocking me that I was home later than they were. They were supposed to be on his feet at work, not thrown on the floor.  
  
I stepped over them, deciding to first figure out what was going on before I messed with the crime scene. Another piece of evidence looked like it had been hastily thrown on the back of the couch. His jacket was inside out, nearly crumpled. It was like our entire living room had been corrupted with these two objects out of place. All the organized space, which had looked the same ever since we moved in, now seemed messy.  
  
I turned around, confused as to what happened. By now, I was so used to seeing Jack either in the kitchen making food, waiting at the dining table, or watching TV that it was strange not to see him in any of those spaces.  
  
But then I heard it. A strange sound came from the direction of our bedroom. I perked my ears, wondering if was just the neighbor’s dog or a bird trying to fool me. It was nearly silent, a rustling sound consuming the emptiness. And then I heard the sound again, a little louder than the first time.  
  
I frowned, squinting my eyes as I carefully approached the door to our bedroom. It was all so strange, so out of the ordinary. I didn’t know what to make out of it. Once again, the noise echoed from behind the closed door. It sounded all too familiar yet also so unknown. The only connection I could seem to make was it being similar to the sounds Alex made when we were all alone together.  
  
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I saw when I entered the room.  
  
The light was dimmed, the curtains drawn half-way closed. There were clothes scattered on the floor, mainly Jack’s. The sheets were bunched up in a way only a nightmare could have caused. And still, the bed was empty. It was empty except for the pajamas I had taken off, folded, and placed on my pillow that same morning.  
  
Confused as I was, I turned to go back and rethink everything. Maybe Jack had been in a rush this morning; he might have realized he had an important meeting and had to wear something else last minute. But, no, that was wrong. Before I could retrace my steps, my eyes had already landed on the bathroom with its door open wide.  
  
There was Jack, taking a shower, explaining the white noise filling up the empty air, one hand holding himself up on the wall and the other down at his crotch. My eyes went wide as I saw him stroking himself, his head hanging down and water dripping from his soaked hair. Another groan escaped his lips, bouncing off the walls and sending shivers down my spine.  
  
It was so wrong, but I couldn’t help but stare at him a little longer. This was the first time I had seen Jack so vulnerable yet so strong and it was sending adrenaline through me. It was like I was back in the kitchen at Alex’s house, sneakily watching him as everything yearned for him to touch me. Only this time, it was Jack making me feel this way.  
  
When I noticed what was going on, what I was feeling toward him, I diverted my eyes as quickly as I could and let out a yelp. As I ran out of the room, Jack called out, “Pays?!”  
  
But I slammed shut the door of the bedroom before the confrontation could happen there and then. This time, I was the one to wait and sit at the kitchen table to have a talk about what happened. I didn’t know what Jack was doing, whether he decided to finish off completely or end his shower abruptly. It didn’t matter to me, I was going to wait as long as I needed.  
  
When he finally did come to join me, his eyes immediately landed on me. They were soft yet also showing me that he was slightly embarrassed. He didn’t make a grand entrance like he usually would have done, instead his lips were closed loosely and his arms were hanging beside his body, his hands fumbling in front of him.  
  
“I-- I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down at the floor as he approached me and sat down on the chair adjacent to mine.  
  
“What’s there to be sorry about?”  
  
“Pays,” he sighed, his fingers interlocked above the table, and hesitantly looked up at me, “we have to talk about this, we can’t act like nothing just happened.”  
  
“That’s not what I mean.” I shook my head and leaned back, crossing my arms over my chest. “I mean that you literally have nothing to be sorry about.”  
  
“What?” He frowned and gave me a concerned look.  
  
“If anything, I should be the one apologizing to you. I’m the one that just walked in.”  
  
“So, you’re not… mad?”  
  
“Why would I be?” I questioned. “We’ve been together for over five years, since we were sophomores at high school. Do you really believe I would think you went all that time without… whatever you want to call it,” yes, it was still strange that I just couldn’t seem to get the word out, “that would be unhealthy.”  
  
“So, you really are not mad?” He repeated. “You seem way too cool right now.”  
  
I shrugged, “I’ve done it too.”  
  
Technically, I hadn’t. But I had to count what I had been doing with Alex in some sort of way, right? And, to be honest, I did often help Alex out… or in other words, I helped myself out. Alex just happened to be there as well. I just wasn’t using a silicon or plastic thing… I had the real stuff.  
  
All this time, I had thought I was starting to act uncontrollable, like my urges were wrong. Yet, here I was, finding out that Jack had been having them as well in some shape or form. I wasn’t the only one. It just made me wonder…  
  
“What’s wrong?” Jack asked me letting one of his hands slip down and rest on my knee.  
  
“Nothing…” I tried to brush it off, but I knew that I would never get to ask this question again. “Hmm, well, actually, what do you think about, what do you imagine?”  
  
A blush spread across his cheeks as he quickly looked away again. He mumbled, “you know… stuff…”  
  
“Stuff?”  
  
He gave me a small shrug showing his embarrassment once again, answering in a quiet voice, “you.”  
  
A bright smile graced my lips. Not only was he being adorable, but I felt pride knowing that I was in his fantasies. Maybe I just had luck, with him only having seen me naked recently and never before. But I liked to think that even before that, he would try to make something up.  
  
“I guess you’ll just have to warn me the next time you come home way earlier than usual,” he added soon after with laughter in his tone, trying to change the subject subtly.  
  
It was only then that I remembered that he had told me that he was going to be home earlier. He had an important meeting in the morning and nothing after, so my suspicion of him changing in a hurry was true. The fact that he forgot, probably validated that I forgot too. He hadn’t told me again the evening before.  
  
“I forgot you were home and wanted to surprise you,” I stuck out my bottom lip, hoping the pout would make him forget any possible thoughts that made me seem like a bad girlfriend, and stood up to start finding something else to do.  
  
“Well, you definitely did surprise me,” he chuckled and stood up as well. This was the cue for our conversation to end.  
  
I just intensified my pout. All I wanted was to make up for all the time I hadn’t been spending at home. I wanted to show him that I still loved him.  
  
He grinned and gave me a chaste kiss to get rid of my sad face. And it was like a switch had suddenly been flipped. What started off as a simple innocent peck that couldn’t be overanalyzed, was now the start of something completely new.  
  
We stared at each other after the first kiss, a tension filling the room. It was pulling me toward Jack despite the fact that we were already standing against each other. The only thing on my mind was Jack. It was all too much like being in the kitchen with Alex while I was making pasta sauce and we had our first kiss together. Only, Jack didn’t have near as much experience as Alex did. Alex was a cocky arrogant guy who thought he had moves, but Jack was just my innocent bean. We were always so oblivious together.  
  
But I happened to have gotten some experience in that field now.  
  
I carefully leaned back in, looking into his eyes to check if he was ok with me going back in. If he was going to back out, then that was that, I would clearly know my place. But his gaze kept flickering down to my lips as well. So, I took it as an invitation and let our lips mold together again, only this time not as hasty.  
  
Instinctively, his hands went down to the small of my back and pushed my body further into his as I, in turn, threw my arms around his neck to bring him closer to me. There was this want, this need, as the old familiar smell of home and comfort mixed with lust. The only thing that could satisfy my cravings was Jack.  
  
I pulled him even closer, taking in his body warmth. He felt different to Alex. Jack was less broad and easier to bring close. Strangely enough, I liked it despite how different it was. However, by now, Alex would have broken off the kiss to start working on my neck. Jack just remained in the same position, leaving everything pushed up against each other.  
  
To help him out, I brought one of my hands down to the base of his neck and slowly pulled away. We were both breathing heavily, our gazes falling onto each other’s eyes. It was like he half expected like this to be the end of it while both our bodies and brains continued to go crazy and want more. But that wasn’t my intention. I reached down and curled my fingers along the hem of my shirt and swiftly pulled it over my head in one go.  
  
Jack’s mouth opened slightly as I was now without a shirt. I threw the clothing onto the floor, allowing it to disrupt the order just as his jacket and shoes had done. He tried to take in as much as he could before I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and made him step closer to me as I reconnected our lips once again. Just like Alex had been the one to guide me when I did this for the first time, I was now going to have to guide Jack.  
  
This time, Jack pulled away just an inch and mumbled, “should we go to the bedroom?”  
  
I nodded as I took a deep breath in, resisting the urge to make our tongues speak the same language again. Everything in me had to keep being reminded that this was Jack, that I had to be careful. This wasn’t like fooling around with Alex. Jack needed to be treated properly like I had been.  
  
I grabbed his hand and pulled him along to the bedroom to make sure he knew that I wanted this to happen. I didn’t want him thinking that I was just doing this because I saw something that could make me assume that he needed this. If anything, I was the one that needed this. All I needed was Jack to take care of me.  
  
As soon as we stood at the foot of our bed, the kissing resumed. I wanted nothing more than to move this over to the actual bed. Just the feeling of kissing Jack like this was different to how Alex felt. The roughness of the harsh stubble was gone, instead replaced with a pair of warm lips I could feel completely. Everything was so much softer, both figuratively and literally. I wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
“Pays…” Jack once again broke away to catch some air. “Are you sure?”  
  
“Sure that I’m not mad?... Yep.” I nodded and wanted to restart our kiss.  
  
But Jack shook his head and move away as I moved in further. “No, not that. Are you sure you want to do this?”  
  
“I’ve never been more sure about anything else,” I breathed against his lips.  
  
Next, I bit my lip as his shirt was discarded. I lightly kissed him as I sensually pressed my hands up against his lower stomach, carefully rubbing up slowly so that I reached up to his chest and let my hand go in separate directions to finally rest on his shoulders. Our jeans came off next, Jack watching me as I popped the buttons and pulled them down individually.  
  
With both of us in just our underwear, I took the opportunity to lie down on the bed. I propped myself up on my elbows and beckoned for him to come over. His eyes tried to subtly scan my body before he climbed on top of me, unsure where to place his legs and hands. To help him out a little, I reached behind and unclasped my bra, throwing it somewhere on the floor as well.  
  
“Holy shit,” he gasped like he had done when he had gotten a sneak peak.  
  
I grinned and enjoyed the attention as I let him take me in this time. His eyes had gotten wide, both entranced by me and afraid that he was going to miss something. I understood that he needed some time to comprehend it all. Of course, I didn’t know what he had been using to help out his imagination, but I was glad to replace all those images with every curve of my body.  
  
“Are you sure you’re mine?” Jack continued to exhale in astonishment.  
  
Little did he know the irony of the rhetorical question he had asked me. So, instead of lying to him, I cupped my hands over his and picked them up, placing them on my breasts. Before he could take more time to admire it all, I got impatient and entranced him with a kiss. Subconsciously, he squeezed a little at the contact, making me breath out and fall back onto the pillow. The thought that I wasn’t supposed to be this sensitive if this actually was my first time escaped my mind completely. All I could focus on was that we were too far along for me to turn back now. My body would not be able to function properly anymore if I didn’t get to feel his love.  
  
Jack took initiative this time, closing the space between us, taking me by surprise. It just made me enjoy it even more knowing that I wasn’t the only one needing this; that we were in this together.  
  
But then I felt it… the slightest bit of hesitation on Jack’s end. If this had been Alex, I wouldn’t have noticed a thing, I wouldn’t have said it was him trying out something new. But this was Jack. I couldn’t feel the natural passion in the kiss anymore. For just a split second, it became forced. I was starting the wonder what was going on while yearning for him at the same time. He really did try to get back into it.  
  
He broke away abruptly, stretching out his arms so we were feet away. “I-- I’m sorry. I… I can’t.” He bent his left elbow and rolled onto the empty space beside me.  
  
“Jack?” I whispered, a mixture of emotions brewing together inside my chest. Concern, denial, disappointment, pain, emptiness.  
  
“I--” I sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair, “I just--- I--”  
  
“Too nervous?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t done something that made him want to stop.  
  
He looked at me, a sort of sadness in his eyes. It was like he was afraid that he had let me down, like this could never be made up to. And then came the subtle nod.  
  
“It’s okay,” I confided, putting my hand on his cheek and running my thumb along the skin underneath his eye. “I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it if you weren’t happy.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Of course. There’s no rush. I love you no matter what.”  
  
“At least let me make it up to you somehow. I can promise to buy you that expensive chocolate you like?” He perked up a little.  
  
I shook my head, I didn’t need him buying my love and acceptance. “All I need is a nice long warm shower.”  
  
“Okay,” he accepted my offer and added with a cheeky smirk, “I’ll try not to think about what you’ll be doing in there.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and kissed his forehead before slipping into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. This was the first time I would have done it and I wasn’t exactly sure how, but I knew I had to get rid of the feeling Jack left me with. So, I turned on the water, thoughts of Alex swarming my mind once again.


	19. Nineteen

The next day, I was more than impatient. My shower the night before hadn’t given me exactly what I wanted. Of course, I wasn’t expecting that helping myself would feel the same as being with Alex, but I was at least hoping it would be more than it actually was. Maybe I was just doing it wrong. I had never done anything of the like all by myself, I always had Alex there with me in some shape or form.  
  
It kept me up all night.  
  
It was all that was on my mind. Images of Alex were flashing in front of my eyes, making me unable to rest. Jack was sleeping soundly next to me, unknowing of the thoughts I was thinking. I had to keep still so I wouldn’t wake him up, but as soon as my alarm clock went off, I jumped out of bed and got ready within minutes. I left before Jack even had to get up.  
  
The question was if Alex was also awake. That, I did not know. Although I was rushing to his house in my shitty little car, it didn’t matter how early I was there if there was nothing to go to. However, I could only hope that sneaking into Alex’s bedroom and waking him up with a surprise wouldn’t leave me with repercussions.  
  
I parked my car in front of his house and entered with the key I had been given. If there was still a chance that William was asleep, I wasn’t going to risk ruining that alone time just by ringing the doorbell. I even tried to quietly close the door so I wouldn’t scare anybody, carefully moving it shut. It was like I was on a secret mission, trying to sneak around so nobody would wake and catch me.  
  
“You’re early today,” Alex's deep voice said from behind me, still sounding raspy from the early morning hours.  
  
I jumped as my heart skipped a beat, not even having had the chance to turn around and away from the front door before he spoke. Turned out I was the only one getting a fright from trying to be quiet. I tried to play it off by retorting, “well, you are too, so…”  
  
 _“Well,_ ” he repeated in an imitation of my tone as he was stood there in his pajamas, “I have to go to work like any other normal day.”  
  
I groaned, having forgotten that Alex actually did have a job that usually required him to be there in the mornings. All I wanted was to have him right there and then. I put down my bag and, having no time to spare, straightforwardly asked, “anybody else here?”  
  
“Will’s upstairs…” he frowned and pointed to the stairs in the foyer, “... asleep…”  
  
“Yes, but are any of your friends here?” I double-checked to see if any of them had decided to stay over for the night as I started slowly walking up to him.  
  
He shook his head. “Nope.”  
  
“Oh, _thank_ god,” I mumbled to myself and quickly closed the space between us.  
  
I threw my arms around him and immediately started a deep kiss. With the thoughts having been in my mind for hours, I couldn’t wait any longer. Having the real thing in front of me only made the want inside of me grow even more. And Alex kissed me back with as much passion and lust. His hands slipped up my shirt from behind and rested on the small of my back, his fingertips digging in to push me closer.  
  
Eventually, he broke away, leaving me breathless. “What’s gotten into you?”  
  
I stared back at him, annoyed that he made us stop. “All I had last night was a shower and my imagination. It wasn’t good enough.”  
  
A devilish smirk appeared on his face and his right hand slipped further up my back, his palm flat against my skin. I continued to stare into his eyes, daring him to walk away. But he wasn’t that foolish. He used it to his advantage to lure me back in and start our kiss again. Our lips were moving together, pressing harder and harder, making me lose all my senses.  
  
Alex started walking us blindly in one direction, guiding my feet with a gentle push of his own. He knew the place too well to make us walk into anything. I just followed along.  
  
We were back in his office, but we didn’t make it to his desk. Just feet away was the place where we had both agreed to this affair. This time, I was pressed up against the wall right next to one of the large windows covered by a curtain, a bookcase on the other side. When I felt the hard surface hit my back, Alex’s entrancing lips left mine and instead started leaving heat on my neck. I was never going to get over the way his breath would brush down my skin and leave behind goosebumps.  
  
He pushed my left shoulder into the wall further with his right hand, giving himself more access to the patch of skin he was directing all his attention towards. I bit my own lip, anticipating what was to come next. My imagination was wild, but anything in real life was better. His hand started slipping down my arm until he reached my hand, intertwining our fingers as he pressed up against me with his lower body.  
  
But there was no time to enjoy the pressure. Alex suddenly pulled away harshly, his eyes wide to show he was shocked. I was about to ask what was wrong, but a tug on my hand that brought both of ours in between us told more than a million words.  
  
“What’s this?” he asked, his gaze fixated on the ring on my left ring finger.  
  
“An engagement ring…?” I replied, unsure about him caring so much for it. He knew I was engaged, he knew the only reason I wasn’t married yet was because of money. There was no surprise to be found.  
  
He hummed in response and continued to inspect it, not loosening his grip on my hand. His jaw was stiff and his breathing too even. It was like he was jealous, but his words said otherwise. “Flimsy little thing, no?”  
  
“No.” I chose the second option. “I'd also rather have the money go to our wedding budget, but that’s going have to wait a bit longer.”  
  
“You mustn’t be close to what you want to spend if something as worthless as this sets you back so much. Are you sure this isn’t about stalling?”  
  
“You’re being mean.” I pulled my hand away and crossed my arms. “I spend all my time here, Jack wanted to do something for me too.”  
  
“Right,” he nodded lightly, the smirk returning to graze his face. Something I said made him have a change of heart and let him freely come closer to me again, his whisper hitting my neck. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll happily sponsor that money spent on the ring and make sure you can get something even better.”  
  
“I don’t need charity,” I shook my head and returned the hushed tone in his ear, “but I do need you right now.”  
  
“I can do that.”  
  
He pulled off my shirt and watched me as I squirmed. Instead of restarting the kiss like I wanted to, he hovered just too far away, always moving back as I tried to go in. Leaving me distracted by his teasing, he started working on my jeans, popping the button and pulling the zipper down. He continued to cut off all contact with my lips and instead went to his knees to pull down my jeans and panties, not wasting too much time.  
  
Before he finally did kiss me, he hastily took off his own shirt. While he had been depriving me, he also made it harder for himself. As if our short interaction about my engagement ring hadn’t happened, he started a hungry kiss that could have easily been transitioned to before.  
  
Then came the last bit of fumbling. He swiftly took off my bra and kicked off his own pants and boxers. With all of our clothing discarded, he pressed his chest into mine and dug his fingertips into my right thigh which was my cue to wrap my leg around him. I hooked my arms underneath his armpits to keep myself stable as I could feel my supporting knee getting weak already.  
  
Skipping the usual foreplay, since I had been waiting for this moment for hours, he tried to position himself in our more than difficult position that was also more than exciting. I let him take his time, any remnants of my mishap with Jack completely out of the window. As he finally managed to enter me, I was driven into the wall again with his thrust. I removed my lips from his, letting my head rest in the crook of his neck. We were quite literally turning into one figure.  
  
Our arms were wrapped around each other, one of Alex’s hands keeping us upright by keeping his palm flat against the wall just to the right of my head. It was everything I imagined and more. I was feeling immense pleasure with every thrust he made despite my back getting bruised with every movement.  
  
To control my feelings, I decided to leave my mark on him this time. Already in place, I started with lingering kisses in between my gasps and soft moans. As his thrusts became faster and deeper, my kisses also became harsher until I opted to suck on one specific spot. Alex let out a deep growl, both enjoying what I was doing and wanting to show that he was the one in control this time, that I couldn’t just take over like that. He only improved his thrusts to make it clear, leaving me with anything but punishment.  
  
With this one-sided battle coming from him, everything went so much faster than expected. I reached my high quicker, Alex became sloppier sooner, my back was more bruised, and everything came to an end. With the pleasure coursing through my bones, I couldn’t help but drag my nails down Alex’s back.  
  
He managed to pull out just in time, coming over the inside of my thighs, as he collapsed into me. I put my leg back down shakily, thankful for the wall behind me barely supporting both of us. There was no way I could walk just yet, and it looked like the same went for Alex who was still enjoying the echoing shivers.  
  
He was breathing against my neck again as he rested his forehead on the wall, trying to regain his breath. However, it wasn’t long until he realized he couldn’t take in the last ripples like he wanted. “Shit,” he cursed, yet still didn’t move, “I’m going to be late for work.”  
  
“Uh-huh,” I agreed, putting my left hand on the nape of his neck to be able to touch him and not have to let go just yet. “But it was an emergency.”  
  
“And so worth it,” he added, slowly standing up with his own strength.  
  
I nodded again, carefully peeling my sticky skin off the wallpaper. “You can just say that I had some troubles and you had to wait a bit longer for me to come.”  
  
“Oh, but I didn’t have to wait long for that at all.” He winked and started picking up his clothes from the floor, but not putting them on.  
  
“Okay, you know what? Why don’t you hurry the fuck up and go to work before I kick your ass?” I playfully threatened.  
  
“I’d love that, actually.”  
  
I blankly stared at him. “No, I’m going to go wake William up and do my job, as should you.”  
  
“I could just call in sick,” he shrugged and waltzed back over to me, a sly smile on his face.  
  
“I think you’ve done that too often.”  
  
“Fine,” he sighed and tried to peck me on the lips.  
  
I ducked away and starting putting on my clothes instead. He was going to have to earn that.  
  
“Well, before I do leave, I have a proposal,” he continued to stand there naked, trying to seem unfazed that I didn’t let him kiss me, “a proposal of a different kind.”  
  
His eyes briefly glanced at my ring again. I just turned to him and pulled my shirt back on, only my jeans and shoes to go. However, he just watched me while I waited for him to continue and he didn’t seem like he was going to speak anytime soon.  
  
“And that is…?” I urged.  
  
“Oh, well, I am having a party here with people from work and such. I often give this large garden party before the temperature cools down too much,” he built up. “And, well, we also always set up a small stage. Since you won’t let me help you by getting you a record deal, I was thinking I could let you perform and try to score your own.”  
  
I stared at him in shock. Sure, the sex was great, but I wasn’t expecting this. I was unsure what to say. My first reaction was to yell yes, this was what I always wanted. I could actually have a chance since many of Alex’s colleagues probably also got to sign artists. It was such an exciting thought, I could live my dream. But on the other hand, it didn’t feel right. I worked for Alex, I couldn’t take advantage of that and use it for something else.  
  
All I wanted was sex, and now I was left with a dilemma.


	20. Twenty

I was snuggled up on the couch with Jack on a stormy evening, my back against his chest as he lay behind me. Although I came home at a reasonable time, it didn’t mean that I hadn’t been tired out. Just an hour after Alex and I had had a busy day together, I was watching a movie with my fiancé as if nothing had ever occurred. It was some classic that was being aired, however I barely paid attention to it. My mind was on way different things than bad acting that was considered exceptional at the time.  
  
I only snapped back to reality when I felt Jack carefully place his hand on my upper leg. While he had done it more often when we were cuddling, especially when it was just the place his hand naturally fell, this felt way different. There was tension in his fingers, making the gesture more cramped up than usual. It only got weirder when he started gingerly rubbing small circles that were barely noticeable. He placed one single kiss on the top of my head and acted as if he was watching the movie, his hand still moving.  
  
My eyes were flickering around, wondering what was going on. I wasn’t sure if I was the only one that felt awkward, or if Jack felt it too. There was no way he could believe what he was doing was normal. Still, he did not stop.  
  
“Hey, Pays?” He finally spoke up after a few more minutes.  
  
I hummed in response as if I had been invested in the movie all this time, like I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. Well, it wasn’t necessarily _discomfort_ I felt, it was just really _strange_.  
  
“Have you, umm, thought about, umm,” he focused on his hand, putting a little more pressure on his fingertips and lifting the palm of his hand up, “about… _us_ … you know, giving it another shot?”  
  
“Another shot?” I questioned, looking up at him to see him already looking down.  
  
“Yeah… you know… on the whole, umm,” he mumbled another word before raising his voice to a normal level again, “thing.”  
  
“I really can’t hear you.” I shook my head and pushed myself up a little, trying to get a better view of him. “What thing?”  
  
A blush spread across his cheeks as he looked away. “Do you want to try doing… _it_ … again.”  
  
“Oh…” A small smile crept up onto my lips. He was so adorable when he was embarrassed like that, especially when I knew it was because I was having a good effect on him. “Jacky…” I giggled a little as I ran my hand through his hair to show that it was okay. “As much as I would love to, I’m completely beat. I can barely stay awake as it is. Maybe some other day? Someday soon, though.”  
  
There was a flash of disappointment shown on his face, but it was soon replaced with a half smile. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”  
  
I felt bad. Alex and I had been going at it more often ever since Jack and I never actually got down to business. My sexual frustration was being outed on another guy, completely moving Jack out of the picture again. Every morning and evening, I was faced with Jack just to run off to somebody else. I had completely forgotten that Jack was actually still very much in the picture, that he just needed some more time. Now, I had gone and ruined our chance by fucking some guy behind his back and making me too tired out to do anything.  
  
I just quietly thanked him and went back to watching the movie. Maybe I had to give Jack another chance, maybe I had to lay off my addiction to Alex for a while. It was too difficult.  
  
It stayed silent after Jack's words, his hand now just resting on my leg innocently. There was some strange emptiness that surrounded us now. I actually preferred the awkwardness brooding inside of me over whatever was so heavy. It wasn’t tension nor was it anger. Was it distance? Was it finally catching up to us?  
  
“Hey, Jack?” I whispered, addressing him the same way he had done to me before.  
  
“Yeah?” he hummed back, his focus returning to me as his hand slipped up to my arm comfortingly.  
  
“This weekend,” I mumbled, my eyes glued to the moving images in front of me, “Alex asked me to come over.”  
  
 _“This_ weekend?” Jack inquired with what sounded like a confused frown.  
  
“Yeah, he’s throwing this party he organizes every year,” I told him to explain why I wouldn’t be around again, only this time with an actual proper reason that was actually true. “He needs some help setting up the small stuff and needs me to look after William while he’s busy with the more important things.”  
  
“But, Pays…” Jack started, ending with a croak that told me he was unsure of what was happening.  
  
“What?” I asked, sitting up and putting my feet on the floor. Did he _know_ something? Was he _concerned_ something more was going on? Was he _uncomfortable_ with me hanging around Alex so much?  
  
“Pays, your brother is coming over this weekend.”  
  
My eyes widened. I had completely forgotten all about his visit. He was coming back home with his family for a while to spend some time with me, Jack, and my parents. Since he had to be here for work as well, he was coming over a few days earlier. It had completely slipped my mind.  
  
Was I now also forgetting about my brother? I had to start getting my act together.  
  
I ran my hands over my face out of frustration. “Ugh, I completely forgot. It’s just-- I promised Alex I’d be able to help already.”  
  
“Well, don’t you want to see him? He’s only coming over on Sunday.” Jack was so surprised with my previous answer. Before Alex had been in the picture, I would have never neglected anything about my brother. I loved him so much. I had been looking forward to this day ever since it had been planned.  
  
“I just wish I could get out of it…”  
  
“You still can,” Jack encouraged, knowing how important he was to me. “It might be a little late, but it most definitely isn’t last minute.”  
  
“I know, I know, but…” I sighed, somehow having known that this would have come back to bite me. “Alex wants me to perform a couple songs at the party. Some of his friends are going to do so as well. His record label colleagues are all going to be there…”  
  
“Pays…” He sat up, and I was expecting him to tell me that I shouldn't go. But I got a different reaction. “You’re going to go to that party no matter what. This could be your big break.”  
  
“I mean…” I shrugged, unsure of his wording. “I feel like it’s cheating.”  
  
“No, I don’t want any of that. You’re going to take this opportunity and use it to your full advantage.”  
  
“But what about Tom?”  
  
“Maybe we can both come and watch you! I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and he hasn’t seen you play in so long!” Jack suggested.  
  
My heart stopped for a second. I nearly wanted to flat out refuse. Jack coming over to Alex’s place? Jack coming over to the house that had been tainted by Alex and me? Jack coming over and looking at all the furniture Alex and I had done it on? _No._ My brother being there just made it all worse.  
  
But was that really so? There were going to be so many people, they couldn’t suspect a thing. Maybe this would only prove to Jack that nothing was going on despite the fact that he didn’t have any suspicions.  
  
“You know what?” I smiled with a nod. “That sounds amazing. I’ll ask Alex if he’s cool with it. I don’t know if he needs to order things per guest. But I’d love to have you there.


	21. Twenty-One

I went to Alex’s house a day before the actual party happened for obvious reasons. Officially, I was there to help him set everything up; unofficially, I was there to fill the empty space in his bed. In other words, there was less planning and more doing… in his bedroom… or maybe even in his office.  
  
Despite having a great time with Alex and having done this for months now, there was this constant nagging in the back of my mind. I knew that if I was at home, I could be with Jack, receiving something very similar, but from the man I loved. Of course, it couldn’t entirely compare to Alex. Alex was experienced, he knew what to do what to get me going, which was the entire problem in the first place. But Jack-- I started seeing him in a new light.  
  
It got to the point that I started imagining what it would be like with Jack… while I was with Alex. Instead of the man who was actually making me feel unspeakable things, I imagined another who had no clue what he was doing. It got to the point where I nearly moaned out the wrong name. I was only setting up unrealistic expectations for myself.  
  
Only on the Sunday did the nerves really set in. I wasn’t sure whether I was more than nervous that Alex was meeting both my brother and Jack, or if it was the fact that I was going to play in front of a group of people who could very well change my future. Honestly, it felt strange knowing that it was most likely the latter. I was confident, but in the wrong area. The only thought that could keep me remotely calm was that nobody would probably be paying attention to me playing my songs. It was only going to be background music.  
  
Nonetheless, the nerves amplified when Jack and my brother finally arrived. A lot of the guests had arrived a lot earlier--I had actually given Jack a time an hour or so after it actually started so he wouldn’t be the first to come. It was only a good thing, this way there would be less chance of awkward introductions between Jack and Alex.  
  
I first went to greet my brother, my excitement to see him overpowering seeing Jack again after only one day. Immediately, I hugged the even taller, yet also way buffer, man of the two. I could barely wrap my arms around his torso while he had no trouble encircling his around me.  
  
“How’s everything going?” He asked me, ruffling my hair as he started to let go of me.  
  
I gave him a super bright smile back. “Even better now that I get to see you again.”  
  
“I missed you too, Munchkin,” he replied with a similar expression on his face. Although he had brown hair and looked more like my dad, we still had the same smile.  
  
Suddenly, there was a booming voice coming slightly from the side. “Tommy, my man!”  
  
I turned my head to see Zack coincidentally entering the foyer. Despite it already getting colder, he was still wearing shorts and a tank top, which was the opposite of what my brother was wearing. Tom was just one step away from being fully classified as wearing ‘smart-casual’, his jeans replacing the usual pants, but he had the jacket and all. It portrayed their personalities quite nicely, yet they were still best friends.  
  
Tom broke away from me and met Zack in the middle, the two giving each other a bro hug. Zack tried to sweep him away with one swift action, happy to see his best friend again as well. They hadn’t seen each other in a while either. However, before Zack could actually sneakily lead him away, Tom looked back at me for permission. I brushed it off, knowing I would be able to catch up with him later. Jack looked like he needed more assistance. He was completely lost.  
  
When the two men left to the backyard, Jack finally gasped, “this is where you work?”  
  
I nodded, giggling at his amazed look. “It’s quite nice, right?”  
  
“Holy shit,” he breathed out, his wide eyes flickering around, first landing on the large stairs, then the office door, then down one hallway, and finally in the direction of the kitchen and backyard. “We’re going to live like this someday.”  
  
I laughed again, knowing it was highly unlikely but admiring Jack’s ambitiousness. “I’ve gotten kinda used to it by now, but I couldn’t quite grasp how big this place was when I first entered. Would you believe it if I told you there’s an in-home theater just down that hall?”  
  
“No way,” Jack shook his head, not because he didn’t believe me but because it was such an amazing and over-the-top thing to have. “If I worked here, I’d never leave. No wonder you stay here until late in the evenings! It’s like an adult playground.”  
  
Oh, it was a playground, just not the one he was imagining. He was describing it as a fun place to live, so many different rooms and things to do. However, I was having a different kind of fun in many of these rooms.  
  
“It’s not really up to me,” I nudged. Technically it was up to me, but Jack didn’t need to know that.  
  
Eventually, we did end up joining the party. I once again felt like a little girl surrounded by grown-ups who looked down at me. Not only was I literally younger than everybody else, but they had so much power compared to me. I was nothing.  
  
I even lost Jack at one point. One second, I was speaking to him in a small group of people, my brother and Zack amongst them, the next he disappeared. As I looked around and couldn’t see him, my heart started beating faster. I couldn’t see Alex anywhere either, and I was afraid there was some sort of confrontation happening. I hadn’t spoken to Alex ever since Jack and Tom arrived, I felt like he was going to be taking revenge.  
  
So, I excused myself and went inside the house. Although I did work here and was still technically doing my job, I didn’t want to seem like I was snooping around. I left it to just the rooms that were open to the party, but I couldn’t find either there. Maybe they had gone further into the house, but I didn’t need to walk in on that. I wasn’t ready for it.  
  
I opted to go into the kitchen instead, hoping to get some drinks there to show that I indeed had been doing something productive. Some part of me also hoped to find Jack there, but that was too much to ask for. I got Rian standing on the other side of the kitchen island instead. At first, I wanted to turn around and never look back at him, but I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. It could only look suspicious.  
  
I tried to ignore his presence like I would do to anybody else who wasn’t close to me. Not doing anything but acknowledging him, I walked over to the cups and poured myself some sparkling water, picking up some beers from the cooler as well for others. Everything was going alright, until I turned around and saw Rian already staring back at me.  
  
“So… Paisley… How are you?” he asked, starting up a conversation that was very unwanted on my part.  
  
“I’m doing fine.” I nodded, knowing now was the point where I had to return the question. However, I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, and my feeling seemed to be the right one.  
  
Rian decided it wasn’t time to end it just yet, though. “Is Alex still paying you extra?”  
  
“What?” I frowned although knowing exactly what he was talking about. Not all that long ago, Alex had decided to give me a raise again despite my protests. He insisted and refused my no, saying I couldn’t stop him.  
  
“You know, since you’ve been providing him so many more services than just babysitting,” Rian clarified, but there was something behind his tone of voice.  
  
I just looked at him. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Oh, come on, Paisley,” he sighed, leaning over the counter, “I’m not stupid. You might have been able to trick me at first, but it just didn’t add up.”  
  
My heart dropped. He knew. He knew all along. Playing dumb hadn’t worked for me. “I-- I don’t know what you mean.”  
  
“I remembered Alex’s ‘secret’ exit, he’s told me the story of locking himself out before. I know it was you with him. How you managed to escape and change your clothes that fast, I don’t know, but I know I recognized you and I know it wasn’t a look-a-like.”  
  
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tried to laugh off despite my heart beating uncontrollably.  
  
“Paisley,” Rian sighed with a shake of his head, “I’m not mocking you. I won’t make it public without your permission. I’m actually really happy for you guys, especially Alex.”  
  
“Happy for him, what?” I really was full of questions, but I couldn’t help it. I was in shock and didn’t know how to react to anything.  
  
“Yeah, after his wife passed away, he had some trouble getting back ‘in the game’. I’m glad he was able to find love again.” He smiled softly to show he really had no ill intentions.  
  
But he didn’t know that his words only caused more panic to bubble inside of me rather than causing it to subside. “Love?”  
  
“Yeah, I can tell from the way he looks at you. He is completely and utterly in love with you.”  
  
I breathed out heavily, a string of swear words running through my mind. I didn’t need this; I didn’t need to deal with this. Sure, I had had my suspicions, but I never really thought his feelings actually went that far. When I agreed to do this, I never wanted it to go this far.  
  
Rian went silent as well before whispering out, “wait… is that not a good thing?”  
  
Before I could answer with even a gesture, the answer came walking in. Jack approached me with a bright smile on his face, sneaking one arm around my waist and kissing my cheek before stealing my water. Now it was Rian’s turn to be shocked, his eyes visibly widening before trying to act natural.  
  
“This place is so big, I got lost,” Jack told me, reminding me why I had been here in the first place. “Luckily, I met that kid you babysit and he helped me find my way back. At first, he was super shy, but when I mentioned I was your friend, he at least pointed the way without saying a word.”  
  
“Yeah, I was looking for you,” I returned his smile as best as I could. What I did not expect was that my gesture set up for him to easily peck me on the lips, solidifying that we were indeed in a relationship.  
  
“And I was just looking for you,” Jack retorted back, noticing the beers I had put on the counter in front of me. “Your brother said you were probably getting drinks, or at least he hoped you were. I see he was right.”  
  
I nodded softly and slid the beers over to him. “Why don’t you bring these back and I’ll come in a bit?”  
  
Jack gave me an ‘okay’ back before trying to get all the bottles and--what used to be--my cup in his hands. Without giving me a second glance, he disappeared through the sliding doors yet again. It was just me with Rian again, and he did not seem all too happy.  
  
“You’re still together with him?!” he whisper-shouted at me, becoming protective of his friend.  
  
I looked back at him, believing it was more than unfair that he was freaking out about his own assumptions. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say anything, to defend myself in anyway, I’d lose. Not because I couldn’t think of reasons, but because I knew what I was doing more than wrong. I was lying to the love of my life.  
  
“I’ve got to go and get ready for my performance,” I told him and started making my way back outside like Jack had just done a minute before.  
  
“You can’t just walk away from this,” Rian disapproved and warned me.  
  
But it was exactly what I did. I didn’t see him until it was my turn to go up on stage. He was out in the crowd, watching me from afar. The nerves of performing again were already making me feel light-headed, but now having been confronted by my greatest fear was also playing along. It was making me afraid of Rian, and not just the information he contained.  
  
My nerves were fully engaged when I noticed that Jack and Alex were going to meet for the first time. I knew it was going to happen sometime that afternoon, but I was still hoping to avoid it all together. Jack decided to tag along and help me set up, Alex having the same idea. I could already feel the older man’s glare as we approached. He was able to recognize Jack from the pictures back at our house.  
  
“You must be the man trying to whisk away my babysitter by marrying her,” Alex held out his hand for Jack to shake, using a light and joking tone.  
  
“You must be the man with the adorable son that’s whisking away my girlfriend from me,” Jack joked back, not noticing the irony in Alex’s statement. Alex thought Jack literally was the only thing that was getting in between us.  
  
“You can’t blame me,” Alex gave him infamous smirk, “she’s irresistible, isn’t she?”  
  
Before Alex’s references could escalate any further, I interrupted with my own doubts. “Let’s just hope the crowd thinks the same.”  
  
“You’ll do amazing,” Jack reassured me, cutting Alex to the chase of encouraging me.  
  
“Hmm,” I shrugged, still uncertain. “My music is so different to what has been played the entire time, whether it be other people performing live or through speakers. I’m going to be a buzzkill.”  
  
“Trust me, you’ll be fine,” Alex managed to get out first, putting on a cocky smile when he knew he had beaten Jack this time. “Artists that stand out are more likely to be recognized. Right now, nobody has been paying much attention. Either they’ll notice how different you are and be interested, or they won’t even notice the difference.”  
  
I wasn’t sure which option I liked better. On one hand, I’d be able to hide away again if nobody cared about what I was doing. I didn’t want all the people to be staring at me and judging me for being different. But then again, not being noticed would mean this was for nothing. This could be my big break.  
  
“I should have chosen different songs to play,” I groaned, staring at the grand piano that had been moved here especially for one of my songs. People had been playing all these pop songs, and here I thought I could come in with a song on the piano.  
  
“No, these songs are amazing,” Jack disagrees, this time coming first since only he knew what I was actually going to be playing. “If nobody has the guts to cheer or at least give a half-arsed clap, I’ll be screaming and hollering for you.”  
  
I saw Alex’s jaw tighten. If he wasn’t motivated to get people to acknowledge me before, he definitely was now. I could tell he would do anything to keep Jack from making our relationship more public than needed. But could I blame Alex? He was in love with me. I could only imagine what it must have been like to see me with Jack.  
  
After getting a good luck kiss from Jack and nothing but Alex looking coldly in another direction, I got up on stage. Nobody was paying attention to me as expected, but it only calmed my nerves. I got to take a seat at the piano without feeling too much pressure and I didn’t have to look into the crowd and face Rian any longer.  
  
After taking a deep breath, I decided to start playing. There was nobody out there to tell me when to begin, I felt like a child making noise while they weren’t supposed to do so. And then the actual singing began.  
  
 _You are the avalanche  
One world away  
My make believing  
While I'm wide awake  
  
Just a trick of light  
To bring me back around again  
Those wild eyes  
A psychedelic silhouette  
  
I never meant to fall for you but  
I was buried underneath  
And all that I could see was white  
My salvation, my my  
My salvation, my my_  
  
I still heard chattering as I filled in the instrumentals with some ‘oh’s. The attention wasn’t fixated on me just yet. I was still background music.  
  
 _You are the snowstorm  
I'm purified  
The darkest fairytale  
In the dead of night  
  
Let the band play out  
As I'm making my way home again  
Glorious we transcend  
Into a psychedelic silhouette_  
  
However, as I sang the chorus again, I could feel my hands get sweaty and my heart started beating in my throat. I couldn’t even hope to be ignored anymore with how loud and dramatic it had to be. The people watching me already knew something was going to happen when the chords on the piano became more prominent. I dragged out the notes, going up a tone ladder until I hit the perfect note, hearing my own voice through the speakers. It was like I was viewing myself from afar, I was that nervous.  
  
I swear I could hear my voice shake just a little as I had to repeat the chorus yet again, but way quieter and sweeter.  
  
When I played the last chord, I could hear the crowd clap. It wasn’t that polite clap they had done for everybody else, acknowledging that the song had ended. No, this was more directed towards me. I was unsure if it was because of something Alex had done or if it really was all because of me, but I was still afraid to look.  
  
Instead, I took a glance towards Jack and Alex. Jack gave me an excited grin and a small jump as he clapped loudly while Alex gave me a look that made my heart skip a beat and make me squirm both with butterflies and in discomfort.  
  
However, I had to look at everybody for my next song. I got up from the piano and picked up the electric-acoustic guitar Alex had lent out to and set up for me. I was unsure if I had to do or say anything with everybody’s eyes on me. All I knew was that my nerves would make me say stupid things if I didn’t jump straight into the next song. So, I did.  
  
 _You kept all the things I threw away  
A leaf I picked, a birthday card I made  
Holding on to memories of you and me  
We didn't last a year, well  
We're just a box of souvenirs, cause  
  
Maybe I pulled the panic cord  
Maybe you were happy, I was bored  
Maybe I wanted you to change  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
  
This meant more to you than it did to me  
I was full of doubt and you believed  
The more that you keep coming over  
The more I know it's over, dear  
We're just a box of souvenirs  
_  
My eyes fell back on Rian and I just noticed the irony of the song I had chosen beforehand. It could have seemed like I had switched songs and applied this one to the situation, but it was like it was fate. Maybe I had chosen this song subconsciously because of my suspicions. As ironic as it was, this song wasn’t written for now, but it fit way too well.  
  
 _Maybe I pulled the panic cord  
Maybe you were happy, I was bored  
Maybe I wanted you to change  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
  
Maybe you were just too nice to me  
Maybe it took me way too long to leave  
Maybe once we felt the same  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
  
Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do  
That's the way the story goes  
Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do  
That's the way the story goes  
  
Maybe I pulled the panic cord  
Maybe you were happy, I was bored  
Maybe I wanted you to change  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
  
Maybe you were just too nice to me  
Maybe it took me way too long to leave  
Maybe once we felt the same  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
Maybe I'm the one to blame  
_  
I got another moderately loud applause before I slipped off stage only to find Alex had disappeared. It made me wonder if he felt that the song kind of was directed towards what I had found out, if he was now upset or mad at me. Jack, however, couldn’t contain his excitement. He had seen me play many times, but demanded this was the best reaction I had ever gotten.  
  
I didn’t see Alex again until quite a while later. Together with Tom and Jack, I was speaking to some of Alex’s colleagues who were interested in me. Jack was there because he was my personal hype-man, while my brother was more interested in the actual legal side of things. Both were good assets to have.  
  
Alex came in at one point, excusing me and swooping me away. I agreed to come, assuming he needed me to help with William especially since he had disappeared earlier. We even started making our way to his bedroom, where I knew Will had retreated to play by himself while trying to hide away from the chaos. However, I soon found out it wasn’t like that at all.  
  
Much like during his son’s birthday party, Alex pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me. This time, though, there was something that was different. I did not feel like whatever he was trying to do. I went as far to push him away when he didn’t get the hint as I refused to kiss him back.  
  
“The fuck, Alex?” I seethed, looking around me to check if anybody had seen.  
  
“What?” he asked, putting up his oblivious act and giving me a lopsided grin.  
  
“You can’t just do this, not with so many people in your house. Those people including my brother and Jack.” I glared at him, no longer comprehending his reckless behavior.  
  
“Oh, come on, Paisley,” Alex sighed with a shake of his head, “we’ve never been caught before.”  
  
“The hell we haven’t. I’d like to remind you of that time Rian walked in on us.”  
  
“Okay, that was once, but he doesn’t know a thing.” He tried pushing himself on me again, but I stopped it by resisting with my hands against his chest.  
  
“Doesn’t he? Are you sure? Cause I just happened to be confronted by him. We’re just lucky he’s keeping it a secret for your sake. Let me tell you, he sure as hell isn’t doing it for me.” Talking about it only turned the fear into anger. Alex was the only one I could take it out on, and he was the only one that deserved it.  
  
“What?” Alex scoffed, not believing a word I said.  
  
“Yeah, and apparently he was pretty shocked to see that I was still together with Jack, which seems more than strange to me. The only personal thing he knows about me is that I’m engaged to Jack. Why he thought that ended, I don’t know.” Was I accusing Alex of telling Rian something? Yes, yes I was. If Rian was so sure about Alex’s love for me, then it wouldn’t have surprised me if Alex made it look like Jack was out of the picture.  
  
“Okay, so he knows. So what? You said yourself that he’s keeping it a secret. There’s no reason to freak out.”  
  
“Oh, no, there’s more than enough reasons for me to freak out. One being you thinking you can make me sleep with you when my own fiancé is just downstairs and one of your friends knows exactly what will be going down if he sees we both aren’t around. Another one being the fact you just pulled me away from a conversation I was having. You are the one that wanted me to perform to boost my music career, yet you’re also the one that takes me away as soon as something starts happening.”  
  
It almost seemed like he was putting this opportunity just out of reach for me. Like I’d keep coming back for more. I didn’t want to admit it, but there was a possibility that Alex used this as a way to keep me around, giving me false hope, now that he witnessed my relationship with Jack. Maybe he had thought I would come running to him as soon as my career took off, but now he understood just how much Jack was involved.  
  
“Paisley, please,” Alex sighed, his hand on my arm in a desperate and pleading way. “Stop lying to me.”  
  
 _“Lying_ to you?” I was so close to walking out. He really was in over his head.  
  
“I heard your songs, I understand them.”  
  
“You do?” I frowned, unsure why the hell he was acting this way if he knew.  
  
“Yeah, that first song was a great way to start, it showed off your vocal abilities and caught everybody’s attention. Then that second one…” He breathed out.  
  
“What about it?” I pushed.  
  
“You’re not happy with Jack, are you?”  
  
 _“Holy shit!”_ I shouted and shoved him away. “Are you seriously insane? I wrote these songs ages ago, Alex. You’ve got it twisted. Completely twisted. That first song I wrote for Jack, don’t you dare make it seem like he means nothing to me. That other song,” I wanted to shout at him that that was for him, but it wasn’t true. I wrote it way before I even knew him, “that one was just cause it was one of my better ones. You’ve got to stop thinking that everything I do is for or because of you.”  
  
Alex’s confidence shattered as he meekly whispered, “what?”  
  
I sighed out in frustration. “We’ll fix this tomorrow. Right now I’m going to go back to my brother and fiancé and I’m going to finish my conversation. I’m not letting you ruin this day for me.”  
  
Not a word left Alex as I left him standing in the empty hallway and went to join the party myself.


	22. Twenty-Two

Alex and I did make up the next day. It was difficult for me to just get over what happened, but I felt like I needed to cut him some slack. I was the entire reason why he was acting so uncontrollably stupid in the first place. But, when he suggested make-up sex, I had to decline. I had to put some distance between us if Rian actually had been right. But I had to do so without Alex knowing I knew.  
  
He was more than confused that I pushed him away so often. I only gave in a few times when he was too enticing. Our escapades that used to happen multiple times a day went down to a few times a week, if even that. It just put Alex on edge. He knew something was wrong and his comments showed he blamed it on Jack.  
  
But Jack and I hadn’t even retried since the first time we did. He hadn’t put out and I was trying to figure out the whole situation with Alex. I knew I had to end it, but at the same time I couldn’t. Something about him still got me hooked and addicted.  
  
I was washing the dishes in my own house after having dinner with Jack. Feeling more than guilty about what I was doing, I offered to do both the washing and the drying. Jack sneaked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me like he used to do quite frequently.  
  
“Hey, Paisley?” he murmured against my skin before giving me a usual ‘playful’ peck on the back of my neck. “I’ve been thinking…”  
  
“About what?” I asked, pulling out the last wet plate from the sink.  
  
“Ya know… stuff…” he whispered, nuzzling his nose against me.  
  
“What stuff?” I pushed further, putting down the now dry plate on the counter, not able to put it away with Jack hugging me so tightly.  
  
I didn’t get an answer from him other than another butterfly kiss pressed against my neck. Rolling my eyes, wondering why he was being so secretive, I turned around in his embrace and looked up at him. He was smiling down at me lovingly and gently pressed his lips against mine. Naturally, I started kissing him back and slid my right hand up to rest against the side of his neck as support.  
  
Still, I did not know what he had been thinking about. That was until I felt him dare take a step further and deepen our kiss. If this had been Alex, now would be the time I would already turn him down, but this was Jack. Instead, butterflies found their way into my chest. I pulled him down to be closer to me, loving this new found confidence he had.  
  
“Where have you learned these moves?” I gasped when my back hit the counter and Jack broke away to put all of his attention on my neck again, making the kisses sensual.  
  
“What moves?” He broke away abruptly, looking at me in shock. “I have moves?”  
  
I nodded at him, biting my lip and hinting at him to continue whatever he was doing. But I only got a devilish grin out of him and excited eyes. “Awesome! I never thought I’d be good at this, especially being the one initiating it--”  
  
“Shut up and keep discovering what moves you have in you,” I urged and pulled him back to continue his neck kisses.  
  
He did comply for a while, letting me enjoy the feeling of his soft lips and breath right underneath my ear, but he eventually went his own way and decided to kiss me again. This time, he went even further and decided to slip his tongue into it as well. It wasn’t like he had never done that before, but this was way hotter than usual. It almost seemed like I had to be the one that was afraid he was cheating with how well this was going, but the hidden innocence behind it all told me otherwise.  
  
“Wait, wait, wait,” I mumbled into the kiss, pulling apart and taking a look at him from afar. “Are you sure you want to do this?”  
  
“I’ve never been more sure about anything else,” he replied while out of breath, confirming he hadn’t gotten the hang of breathing properly yet. “Well, maybe I’ve been more sure about marrying you. So, that’s in first place. This would have to be second.”  
  
“Okay, okay,” I nodded, acting as if I was taking in what he had said, “that’s good. I’m really turned on right now, so…”  
  
“Me too,” Jack agreed, his wild eyes proving it all.  
  
He hastily started kissing me again now that both of our intentions had been confirmed. There really wasn’t anything holding us back unless nerves got in the way again. But something told me I didn’t need to worry about that.  
  
However, as quickly as Jack came on to me, he also broke away again. “So, now would be the part where I carry you to the bedroom. Or that’s what happens in the movies… I don’t know if it’s done in real life. I mean, they must have gotten the idea from somewhere, right? Anyway, we’ll fall over if I try that.”  
  
“Well, then just guide me to the bedroom,” I suggested with a giggle. “Unless you want me to try and pick you up. That would probably end up even worse.”  
  
Doing this with Jack was so different to doing it with Alex. With Alex everything was like it had already been planned out. It was just so--for the lack of a better word-- _heavy_. The sexual tone dripped off every word, the touching played out like in a movie. With Jack… it was the opposite. His excitement yet nervousness to try something new prevented the smooth flow of things, but it made it so fun at the same time. This wasn’t just sex, this was with somebody I was able to laugh about everything with. If one of us made a mistake, it wouldn’t be awkward, we’d only burst out in laughter.  
  
Once we entered the bedroom, we both took our shirts off before starting our kiss again. I let my hands drop for their usual position on the end of Jack’s jaw, halfway between his cheeks and the side of his neck, and trailed my fingers down his chest. He was a lot smoother and less broad than Alex, my fingers glided easily over his skin.  
  
When I finally hit the cold metal of his belt, I started to unbuckle it. Having had my experience, I did it without nearly causing him to fall over as I tugged. I did it so discreetly he didn’t even notice what I had done until I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans.  
  
Feeling like he was behind, Jack hands quickly shifted to the clasp of my bra. He pulled on it for a while, keeping his hopes up. After some time, however, he was so focused on it that he got distracted away from our kiss and turned his head to the right with his eyes open as if he would be able to see what he was doing.  
  
I chuckled softly and moved my own arms behind me. “Let me help you.”  
  
He nodded, slowly dropping his hands down so I could do what I was used to doing every day.  
  
I shook my head, though. Before unclasping the secret he had gotten peeks of a few times now, I directed him back to the band. “I said I was going to help you, not do it for you.” I moved him into place and pinched his hands together as soon as I assumed they were as much into position as I could achieve. After two tries, it finally unclasped.  
  
“Okay, I would have never figured that out by myself,” Jack told me, amazed by the strange maneuver needed for such a small thing. “But to be fair, you’ve been doing that for years, you had your time to perfect it.”  
  
I rolled my eyes and pulled the straps off my arms, dropping the garment so it could join our shirts. Once again, Jack stared at me--one specific part of me--in awe, his mouth gently open and eyes fixated. Letting him have his moment, I unbuttoned my own jeans before pulling them off. Jack didn’t even seem fazed by the temporary obstruction that disrupted his view.  
  
“Well…” I spoke, getting his eyes to snap up to my face, “are you going to take your jeans off or what?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jack blushed lightly, scrambling to remove his clothing, managing to do so very clumsily. As soon as they were off, though, his blush had disappeared. “It’s just… It’s just… I love boobs so much.”  
  
“Oh my god, _Jack,”_ I gasped as he gaped at my breasts again. At first, I was taken aback by his blunt statement, but then I couldn’t help but think it was adorable. He was so in trance. “Wanna touch them?”  
  
He nodded slowly as if hypnotized before softly and slowly putting his hands where he wanted them all along. However, as soon as the contact was there, I decided to make everything move forward by pulling Jack down so I could kiss him again. If it was up to Jack, we’d just be standing there while he was paralyzed with amazement.  
  
“I hate to break this off again,” I finally spoke up, the tingling inside me becoming unbearable, “but I’d appreciate it if we could move this to the bed, as much as I like just standing here.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, umm…” his eyes flickered from the bed, to my face, down to his hands on my breasts, and back to the bed.  
  
I sighed, resisting to roll my eyes at him again. “You can touch them when we’re on the bed as well.”  
  
“Okay,” he chirped with a bright smile and slowly removed his caress.  
  
I climbed onto the bed myself, knowing that I wasn’t going to get a thrilling push from Jack that would make me fall back until my back hit the mattress. He would be too afraid to hurt me and give me whiplash. But it just meant I could get into position straight away, not having to worry about shuffling up later.  
  
As soon as my head was on the pillow, Jack joined me on the bed and put his legs on either side of me. As if he had missed them for years, his hands were cupping my breasts again, but this time he did lean down to kiss me. It would have been more than awkward if I would have started overthinking it. We were barely doing anything other than kissing and Jack’s hands were just limply placed on my breasts as if that would make me feel good. But, strangely enough, it wasn’t like that at all.  
  
I knew Jack was ready when his hands slipped down and trailed over my sides instead. He broke off our deep kiss and went for my neck again, by now having figured out that I loved it when he did that. Honestly, he could have just done that for an entire day, and I would have been happy.  
  
So, I slowly started to slip his boxers off, testing the waters by moving less than an inch at a time. He was more than comfortable enough not to snap away from me out of shock. However, when I dared to move further, he stopped his tingling kisses. I almost thought that that was it, that we were going to have to stop there again.  
  
But I just got a giggle vibrating against my skin. “Your hands are cold!”  
  
“Do it yourself then,” I teased back, raising my hands up to show I wasn’t touching him anymore.  
  
“O-okay,” he gulped and pushed himself up.  
  
He tried keeping his balance and pulling down his boxers at the same time. It seemed like quite a difficult task staying on the bed, balancing with only one arm since the other was needed to remove his underwear. Still, after a couple of tugs and kicks, he managed to get them to the floor.  
  
Let me put it in one simple way. It was less shocking to see him this way since I had already seen him in a very intimate position and my initial shock had been directed towards another person. Still, though, I couldn’t help but be impressed, no matter how different it may have been.  
  
After positioning himself over me again, he carefully hooked his fingers into the waistband of my panties. Before doing anything else, he looked up at me with questioning eyes. I gave him a small reassuring nod before he removed them as well, slow enough so to it in one motion, but fast enough to lose much sensuality behind it.  
  
“So, umm…” Jack’s eyes traveled around my body. His excited yet smooth exterior was now replaced with nerves and a racing heart, “I don’t know how to do anything beyond this point…”  
  
“Don’t you think it will just go intuitively like everything else?” I asked him, both trying to calm him and remarking how I never had to think about any of this when I had been with Alex.  
  
“D-do you think so?” he replied, still sat up on his knees. “What if I do do something wrong?”  
  
“I mean… if you want, you can try to position yourself how you think it should go, and I’ll tell you if and how to adjust,” I suggested, understanding that he had no idea where my exact anatomy was.  
  
He nodded his head in quick small motions, resting on his elbows, one on either side of my head. Attentively, he shuffled his legs and angled his torso a little to get into, what he believed to be, the correct comfortable position to be in. “So, umm, something like this?”  
  
I could feel him at my entrance, but not quite there yet. Unsure of how Alex always did it, I decided to try and do it as accurately as possible. I didn’t know if he just always managed to get it right every time, or if precision didn’t matter as much, but I didn’t want to risk it. “A little lower…” I told him, trying to guess exactly where he was, but Jack barely moved. “No, a bit more,” I repeated, feeling him make a slightly bigger movement, but still nothing compared to what I meant. “You’re not even moving, still more.” Now, overestimating what I meant, he moved down quite a lot, making me suck in a deep breath. “Oh, no, no, no. That’s too far down. Too far, _too_ far, Jack!” Out of shock, he moved upward a little again. “Yes, there. Right _there_.”  
  
“There?” He double checked, freezing all his limbs.  
  
“Yep, that’s it,” I confirmed, my heartbeat speeding up and not just from the little scare. I suddenly realized that this really was going to happen. Maybe I wasn’t going to be losing my virginity, but this was still a huge deal.  
  
“There, okay… got it…”  
  
Yet he stayed still, not daring to move an inch.  
  
“Are we really doing this?” I whispered, causing our eyes to make contact for the first time in a while.  
  
“I-- I-- I guess so… I mean, I want to, but I get it if you don’t want to anymore. I chickened out last time, if you’re too nervous this time, it’s okay,” he assured me, looking down at me, his love not only pouring from his words but also his eyes.  
  
Yes, I was a little nervous, but that was okay. The only reason I felt those nerves was because Jack and I were actually going to go through with breaking a promise we had made years ago. This was going to be different to anything I knew. But, yes, I loved Jack. I was ready for this.  
  
“No, I’m fine, just go for it,” I answered, knowing that he hadn’t just said his words to get me to stop it this time acting as if I didn’t want to only because he actually didn’t want to. We were both all for it.  
  
“Okay, just tell me if I hurt you.”  
  
He gradually started pushing in at a pace I had never experienced before. It was a little too slow for my liking, but it was just because Jack was concerned. I, however, just let my eyes slip closed and let out a shaky breath.  
  
“I’m hurting you, aren’t I?” Jack panicked, taking my signals the wrong way. “Shit, fuck. I should stop, shouldn't I? Fuck.”  
  
“No, Jack, it doesn’t hurt, keep going,” I urged, not wanting to wait any longer.  
  
“Please do tell me if it hurts,” he begged before starting again.  
  
Once he was fully in, we were frozen in time for a split second. Not just because this was a significant event in our relationship, but because we both literally stopped moving. There wasn’t much I could do, but Jack sure did just stop.  
  
“I’m going to start moving now, okay?” He asked, getting a nod and a small needy whimper out of me. I nearly wanted to scream at him to get it going already.  
  
He moved back, almost pulling out too far before thrusting in again. The first few thrusts were very irregular and sloppy. However, as soon as he got the hang of it, he managed to maintain quite a nice pace. Nothing too bone-shaking, nothing too agonizing, just sweet.  
  
Just as I started to really enjoy myself, something unexpected happened. Well, to me it was very unexpected since I was not used to it. Within no time, Jack was letting out a loud groan. I could feel him come inside me as he rode out his high. I just laid there, my eyes wide, as he eventually let himself collapse onto me.  
  
A minute of silence later, Jack grumbled, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Sorry for what?” I asked as if I didn’t know better, trying to hide how shaken up I was.  
  
“I usually last way longer when I’m by myself,” he explained, his face flushed with embarrassment. “Is there anything I can do to make it up with you?”  
  
I had to admit, I was disappointed at first, but the way Jack felt bad about it made me automatically forget all about it. So, I shrugged, not making any of my original feelings known. “Most women don’t orgasm with just… penetrative… sex…”  
  
“Really?” he looked up at me through his eyelashes, unsure if I was just trying to make him feel better about himself.  
  
“Yeah, I can even do it without anything else by myself.” Sure, I wasn’t by myself, but Alex had to find out the hard way that no matter what move he decided to use, it just wouldn’t cut it out for me. Either we needed some extensive foreplay or a lot of hand action during the larger action.  
  
“Well, then, what’s the ‘anything else’ I can do to help you?”  
  
I breathed out lightly, holding back a chuckle. “I think this was more than good enough for today. Let’s keep that for another day, shall we?”  
  
“Are you sure?” Jack was still very apologetic.  
  
Although it had been very anti-climatic, in two ways for me, I still nodded.  
  
Did I expect to get an orgasm with Jack soon? No. But did I enjoy everything I did with Jack? Yes, very much so. And that was all that mattered.


	23. Twenty-Three

Although summer was officially over, it was a strangely hot day. I smiled softly at my reflection in the mirror, running my fingers through my hair as I braided it. With the weather giving one last summer’s day, I took the opportunity to wear a nice dress that was going to hide out in the closet for a year after. A white dress with sunflowers perfectly complimented my mood.  
  
I left the bathroom, softly closing the door behind me. Something in me had the urge to dance around in circles, the voices outside the bedroom being my soundtrack. My smile hadn’t faltered one bit since it sneaked its way onto my face. It only intensified when I opened the bedroom door to see my mom standing around the dining table.  
  
She wasn’t the only one there, though. Jack and his mom were there along with her, all of them looking at whatever was on the table.  
  
I skipped over to them, attaching myself to Jack’s side. He immediately threw an arm around me, bringing me closer and kissing the top of my head. I took a glimpse at the various magazines that our moms had collected on our table. Some were solely for wedding dresses, other’s based mainly on the reception, and most a generic mixture of it all.  
  
“Oh, my Leigh-Leigh’s getting married,” my mom gushed, using the nickname she and my dad always used when I was a baby.  
  
She held out her arms for me, making me leave Jack’s side and hug her. As she rocked me from side to side, I couldn’t help but think about how lucky I was to have her as a mother. Although she couldn’t give me the biggest and the best, she still did everything she could for me. Now she was here to help me get started on planning my wedding.  
  
As soon as our hug came to an end, she brought my left hand up to her eye level and looked up a Jack. She sounded like she could cry at any moment. “Oh, it’s so beautiful, Jack!”  
  
“I know it’s not much,” he blushed a little and tried to be humble, “but I wanted to make our engagement official.”  
  
“Our engagement was already official,” I scoffed in a joking manner, “you didn’t have to get me a ring.”  
  
“Shut up, Paisley,” my mom shushed, still overenthusiastic by the ring that had been called measly by a different second opinion.  
  
I rolled my eyes, pulling my hand out of her grip and focusing back on the magazines. The women on the covers always looked so beautiful in the dresses they were modeling, making me wonder if I would look anything like they did. There was no question that the exact dresses were way out of my budget, but I always could get something very similar. The only thing that really mattered was that I got to celebrate my relationship with Jack, even if it meant not getting the higher end things.  
  
We were going to do more than just make it work with what we were given.  
  
“What actually made you guys want to start planning now?” Jack’s mom asked before I could open the magazine that had caught my eye. “Of course it’s not a bad thing--the opposite--but you guys said you wanted to wait a while.”  
  
Jack and I shared a knowing look. We had always been so insistent on saving money for our wedding, that we wouldn’t even consider planning a little bit. If we had wanted, we could have been looking at anything just to make planning easier later, but we never did. However, a week or so after we had sex for the first time, we both changed our minds completely.  
  
“Well…” I continued to look at him, hoping he’d come up with a lie for us. It wasn’t exactly acceptable to blurt out that sex made us change our minds. However, Jack looked just as lost as me… except that I had learned how to lie. “Jack proposed again. Not only was it sweet, but we can’t just keep proposing to each other the rest of our lives.”  
  
Jack let out a sigh of relief as both of our mothers laughed at my joke. I quickly moved back to Jack’s side of the table, feeling stronger being next to him. If we were going to be asked any further questions, I couldn’t do it by myself. This was the first time I had actually managed to lie to my mom, and it felt horrible; the worst thing I had ever done. I needed some support.  
  
“When did you get lying lessons?” Jack asked me in a hushed tone while our moms were still laughing.  
  
“Oh, shut up,” I teased back, but also hoping he wouldn’t interrogate me. He just chuckled, shaking his head lightly.  
  
“And that’s the only reason?” Jack’s mom joked, jesting that it hadn’t been a good enough reason for us before, but apparently was now.  
  
She probably had fully accepted my lie, there was no reason not to believe it. However, Jack and I made the mistake of sharing another look. I didn’t know what it must have looked like to others, but our mothers definitely turned silent. They had their own eye contact before both their gazes fell upon my stomach.  
  
“No,” Jack blurted out lowly, making their eyes snap up to him instead. “Pays isn’t pregnant. That’s not even possible.”  
  
And there went my perfectly crafted lie. Usually, I was the one that managed to stutter out the truth by saying something so stupid. Jack and I had switched roles. He was always the one that hid it all so well, while I was just a mess and couldn’t deal with the pressure.  
  
Although I was too shocked by Jack’s outburst to even wonder what it would be like to be pregnant, I still thought of a way to conceal the truth. Of course, our parents would assume that it meant we used condoms or hadn’t even had sex. But Jack had to panic about what he said and only made it worse.  
  
“We didn’t even have sex until a week ago,” he felt the need to explain.  
  
 _“Jack!”_ I gasped, wondering why I hadn’t intervened earlier. This could have all been avoided if I had jumped in as soon as I saw their eyes travel down.  
  
This wasn’t something I needed to talk about with my mom, let alone with Jack and his mom around as well. All I wanted was to look at the magazines and get some ideas for my wedding; to start imagining myself in the perfect dress and create a color scheme. That was all. But our mothers looked at their respective child in shock. I didn’t need the sex talk again.  
  
Due to my mom’s weird personality, however, there was something else she was more surprised about finding out. “All this time,” she shook her head in disbelief, “in high school, you weren’t lying?”  
  
“No!” I exclaimed, now also shaken up about the fact that my own mom thought I had been feeding her lies about me not having sex with Jack. Didn’t she know how bad I was at lying? Granted, I always got flustered when she asked, but it was very different.  
  
“You guys had countless of sleepovers to actually do nothing but sleep?!” she continued, now including Jack in her realization. “Oh my god.”  
  
“Mom!” I cried, wanting her to shut up already. “Can we please discuss the wedding, and not what Jack and I used to or do now in bed.”  
  
“In bed? Oh, honey,” she sighed and put her hand on my shoulder, shaking her head at my ‘innocence’. I knew exactly what she was talking about, and I had done it all, but nobody here needed to know.  
  
 _“Please,”_ I uttered, knowing this would come to bite me back for months to come no matter what I did. “I was actually excited about today, but not if this is what we’re going to talk about.”  
  
Jack pouted lightly at me, feeling sorry for me. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me into his chest and giving another one of his infamous head-kisses. His mom had no need to over exaggerate. All she did was give him a cocked brow to which he just had to shrug, and that was the end of that. My mom, however, loved making a big deal of whatever she could make out to be huge.  
  
“Oh, maybe we should leave,” she now whispered not so quietly to Jack’s mom, pointing towards the front door with a jerk of her thumb, “give these two some time to make us some grandbabies.”  
  
“Okay, no,” I refused, holding onto the back of the chair in front of me as Jack’s hug loosened significantly. “You guys are going to look through these magazines with us and give us horrendous suggestions that I will politely decline by saying that ‘we'll think about it and put it on our thinking pile’. I’m not letting you guys leave.”  
  
“Awe, you’re going to be such a good mom one day,” my mom sighed with much enthusiasm yet again.  
  
 _“Mom!”_ I yelled out one last time, finally getting her to focus back on what we were here to do.


	24. Twenty-Four

I was on edge the entire afternoon. Every single time I thought I heard a sound come from the hallway, I could hear my own heart beating. It was always a false alarm. William would just be staring up at me, wondering why I had stopped the narrative between our action figures. I would just smile it off and we would continue playing like nothing had ever happened.  
  
However, as soon as the sound I had been looking out for actually echoed throughout the house, I wondered why I had been so afraid of all the other noises. This stood out from everything. The metal of keys clinking against the wood of a small table sounded nothing like house settling noises. A shiver ran up my spine.  
  
I acted like it didn’t affect me at all. However, I felt distant from whatever William and I were playing, letting him make up everything while I wasn’t paying much attention. He didn’t even seem to notice, only knowing that I was still looking in his direction and smiling whenever he made something ‘cool’ happen.  
  
But even that was soon interrupted by Alex knocking on the door, grinning at the both of us before speaking to his son, “hey, buddy, do you mind if I steal Paisley for a bit to help me with the groceries?”  
  
William nodded softly, picking up the toy that I had left behind and immediately going on with his imaginary story.  
  
Alex and I walked back downstairs in silence. It wasn’t that I wanted us to not speak, it was just that I didn’t know what to talk about. Usually, all I had to do was bat my eyelashes and throw around a sexual innuendo here and there. Now, I was unsure what counted as me leading him on and what was actually due to whatever I felt towards him.  
  
The situation, however, presented itself to be talked about.  
  
I came into the kitchen to find no grocery bags anywhere, not even a receipt. Everything was just as I left it when I had gotten Will a fruit snack. Even the cupboard I couldn’t seem to close because I couldn’t figure out how to put everything away was still ajar. Alex hadn’t even been here before going upstairs.  
  
“Are the groceries still in your car?” I asked, turning around in the direction of the front door, just to walk right into Alex.  
  
“Already put them away,” he mumbled, his hands on my upper arms as he looked down at me, barely leaving any space between us.  
  
“Oh…” I tried to nod, but knew he was lying to me. On one hand, I wanted to call him out, but on the other I was intrigued what his plan was.  
  
His breath became shallower the further he dipped down. He continued to inch closer, my brain screaming at me to move away before it was too late. But I was frozen, his hot air making me feel dizzy. I couldn’t help but be pulled along into his scheme as his rough lips found mine.  
  
It reminded me all too much of our first kiss. Alex was wearing the same cologne as that night, make me experience a heavy feeling yet also a very similar adrenaline rush. The whirlwind of emotions I had felt that night came falling over me again, making me feel like that innocent girl who was letting herself go. The same confusing need and lust were controlling me yet again.  
  
I had to pull him closer to release some of the pressure, putting my hands on the back of his neck and making him crane down further. It only brought on more exact occurrences. His hands moved down from my arms and to my waist, digging his fingertips into my hip bones. Just like that, we were back to our old ways, but my innocence was long stripped away.  
  
Just as our kiss became deeper, my back yet again hit the counter. My shirt had ridden up just slightly, allowing me to feel that cooling stone another time, amplifying my shivers. As soon as Alex noticed we had hit a barrier, he raised me up to sit down. The kiss became so much easier and smoother with our equal heights, but I still didn’t wrap my legs around him.  
  
To send me a signal, his hands traveled down to my thighs and started rubbing up and down. This was all that was needed to give me a reality check. I knew I was more turned on than ever, and my lust for him was at its greatest, but it was so wrong. The feeling needed to take this even further was the one that brought me back to reality.  
  
My eyes sprung open and I couldn’t get him off me fast enough. I pushed him back, causing him to stumble a couple of steps before regaining his balance.  
  
“The fuck?!” he yelled, both confused and shocked I had made such a harsh gesture.  
  
“You brought me down here just to fuck me on the kitchen counter!” I accused, my heart racing as I wondered what had given me the confidence to nearly push him to the other side of the room. Did I really have this much self-control?  
  
“No, no, no,” he shushed as he rushed up to me, almost sounding like he was afraid somebody had heard what I had said. “I just wanted to talk, we haven’t talked in ages. You know, just you and me.”  
  
“And by ‘talk’ you actually mean ‘have sex’, right?” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I couldn’t believe I fell for his little trick.  
  
“No, I promise,” he shook his head, giving me a pleading look, “I’m serious. I want to talk.”  
  
“Okay then…” I accepted his statement, still a little suspicious. “Then speak.”  
  
“Well, I had quite an interesting day at work,” he told me, carefully putting his hands on my legs again, this time starting on top of my knees.  
  
I stared down at the contact before looking up at him. So far, he wasn’t making anything he said believable. It only sounded like he was having trouble making things up after I freaked out on him. Part of me wanted to hop down and yet again opt to call him out on it. However, I also knew I couldn’t do so. Not just because it was rude, but also because I couldn’t let myself. I knew that if he started kissing me again, I was a goner and would lose complete control.  
  
“There’s talk of us signing a new artist,” Alex continued, his hands inching up slowly as if unnoticeable.  
  
“Oh, really?” I smirked, knowing exactly what he was talking about.  
  
“And I can’t believe I had to find out through my colleagues,” he sighed, shaking his head at me.  
  
“Well, I still work for you,” walking my fingers up his upper arm and to his shoulder before resting on his chest. He was irresistible to me, “and I haven’t physically signed any contract yet. It’s bad to tell your current boss you’re looking for another job.”  
  
 _“Well,_ I’m not that kind of boss,” he winked. “I actually want to congratulate you.”  
  
Before I could civilly thank him and wonder if this was going to go any further, he broke away from me and went to the bar. I expected him to pull out two glasses and a bottle of liquor, but instead a shoebox appeared from one of the barstools. He held it out for me as he sauntered back to me.  
  
I frowned as he put it in my lap. He urged me to open it with a look that moved from me to the box. I dreaded everything while I opened it. The contents were hidden behind some fairly opaque tissue paper, only making my fear worse. It looked too fancy to be given to somebody like me. My suspicions were only confirmed when I peeled away the paper to find a pair of heels. They had a gold-tone, nearly flesh-colored, open along the entire foot and an open toe. The heel was so thin it made me wonder if anybody could even walk in them. A band was attached to run along the ankle, delicate gold sparkles along it. The same twinkle could be found back on the heels and along the open sides. I couldn’t accept them.  
  
“Alex,” I shook my head, closing the box again and forcing it into his direction, “I can’t take this.”  
  
He refused to take the box back from me. “No, they’re for you. You can wear these when you go to your first red carpet event.”  
  
I was at a loss for words. He had too much faith in me. “And what makes me think I’ll even remember these shoes _if_ I even ever get to go to one?”  
  
“Well, I didn’t say you couldn’t wear them for anything else you want. Hey, maybe you can wear them to your wedding!” he joked, a realistic yet very fake laugh following it.  
  
He didn’t even know that Jack and I had started planning. It hurt too much.  
  
Alex saw that I wasn’t amused and slowly took the box out of my hands, putting it beside me instead. Looking into my eyes, his hands found their place on my upper legs again. “You keep them and love them. You’ll find an event to wear them to, even if said event is dancing around the house all by yourself.”  
  
Like I could afford just ‘dancing around in them’. I could bet that if I sold them, they would be able to fund our entire wedding, or at least get me a designer dress with a little money to spare.  
  
Alex still noticed my doubt and started drawing circles on my thighs as he leaned back in. Just as predicted, I had no willpower to push him away again as soon as his lips were pressed up against mine again. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and firmly pulled him into me, not leaving us much time until we were both discarding our clothes.


	25. Twenty-Five

It seems like all I did with Jack was either watch TV or discover something sexual, but I can assure that this was not the case. For a bigger portion of time since I met Alex, yes, I didn’t really do much with him. I was too busy being with Alex to remember the person I had dated since sophomore year. But I had had a sudden realization that I couldn’t just leave Jack in the dark. He might not have known about anything, but I didn’t need him getting suspicious  
  
Ever since I got a reminder what my relationship was like with him, I made sure to spend more time with him as well. I needed to make sure that he wouldn’t get second thoughts and cancel our wedding. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that.  
  
So, when Jack suggested we go on a date to celebrate the start of my new career, I said yes without hesitation. I told Alex I couldn’t stay over late night despite the fact I often did that day every week. It sure came as a blow to him, but I didn’t tell him anything about the fact that Jack and I were going on a date. A little white lie was all that was needed. I just told him I was doing something with my family; Jack was technically family.  
  
That evening, I was wearing my nearly-purple velvet dress I had gotten as a gift from Alex the night I lost my virginity, the rose necklace hanging delicately from my neck. I nearly contemplated if I should wear the new shoes as well or not. But that was too risky. I could still lie my way around the dress and the necklace; the pasta sauce fiasco, and something I either got from my brother or something I found lying around. Showing up in shoes that cost more than Jack’s monthly salary? Not so much. It was so tempting, though.  
  
“You know, I’m so happy you’re not so busy anymore,” Jack whispered, holding one of my hands in his on the table while we were waiting for our food to arrive.  
  
If he hadn’t proposed already, I would have thought he would be doing it now. We rarely went out on dates, often opting on staying the night in. When we did go out, however, we conserved money. We didn’t just go out to fancy restaurants, we’d often go to chains that had so many restaurants all over the country and way lower prices. We just didn’t have the luxury of doing more. But now we were at one of the better restaurants in town. How we were going to pay for it, I wasn't sure.  
  
“You can thank Alex for that,” I winked, giving him a half lie. Jack just thought it meant that Alex wasn’t as busy anymore, I knew it was because I found out about Alex’s feelings and needed to give him some space.  
  
“He’s actually quite nice,” Jack agreed.  
  
But before he could finish his thought and make it even more ironic, the waitress came up with our drinks. She looked a little concerned as she put down the bottle on the empty table right beside us first.  
  
“I’m sorry I forgot to ask earlier,” she gave us a quick smile that confirmed her slight discomfort, “sir, but can I see some ID?”  
  
“Oh yeah, sure,” Jack gave her a nod and reached into the pocket of his suit jacket. He pulled out the small card of plastic casually and handed it to her. She looked over the details before thanking him and giving it back.  
  
Then her eyes fell on me. I quickly realized she wanted to see mine as well. So, I started scrambling around in my bag. I was nearly afraid that I had forgotten it at home or something. Of course, I could get out of it saying that I was just going to drink water, but then Jack would seem suspicious as well. Although, we could say that this was our first date and I had lied about my age, but the engagement ring on my finger would give it all away.  
  
Luckily, I remembered I had stuffed it in a small pocket that was meant to hold my phone the last time I had gone out to buy something I legally didn’t have access to due to my age. Letting out a small sigh of relief, I pulled it out and handed it to her with a bright smile, hoping that would apologize enough for it taking so long.  
  
Not much later, I got to put my ID back in my bag and our glasses were filled with champagne. Jack and I stayed silent the entire time she was still around our table, putting down the bottle on our table. When she finally did leave, we both let out a breath we were holding.  
  
“These things still work?” I laughed quietly so nobody would hear us.  
  
“I know right? It was worth the money. I still have a baby face on this fake! Why did they ever think we were already of age?” He chuckled along with me, happily taking a sip from the flute.  
  
We had gotten these fake IDs back in high school in our senior year. Since they hadn’t ‘expired’ yet, we never had the need to get new ones. Sure, they were a little expensive, but we were the only ones that had never been caught out of our friends, especially when they were being overused in high school. It was quite a good investment.  
  
This whole evening just consisted of thrills.  
  
“We’re almost 21, though. Soon these won’t be necessary anymore.” I smirked, nudging his leg with my foot. Maybe I wasn’t wearing my new fancy heels, but these old ones made Jack stare at my legs just as much.  
  
“That will be great. I won’t feel a little guilty anymore.” He grinned, putting down the glass again.  
  
“You’ll feel the worst when you’re 21 already and I won’t be yet.”  
  
“We’ll just have to only drink what we have at home those few months then.” He shrugged, trying to compromise so I would feel better. “But one thing’s for sure, we can’t get married until both of us are 21. It will suck if everybody drinks around us and we can only have sodas.”  
  
“Tell that to our moms,” I rolled my eyes. Despite my mom constantly getting distracted while we were looking for inspiration, she was quite set on having it be soon. It was like she was looking forward to it more than I was. But she was an over-enthusiastic person.  
  
“They might force a specific venue on us, but they can’t do that with the date,” Jack shook his head. “We can make any weird choices work, but we’re going to choose the date that’s going to be special to us for the rest of our lives. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure of it.”  
  
I giggled softly, drinking some of the champagne as well. The last couple of times our parents had been around and giving us suggestions, Jack just wouldn’t stand up for us. He wanted to please our moms and didn’t want to get into anything with my dad. I was quite insisting on the things I didn’t want, but it was difficult to stand my ground if I didn’t have any support on my side.  
  
“I’m being serious!’ Jack whined, knowing exactly why I was making fun of him.  
  
“Okay, you can tell them the thing that will affect the entire wedding. It will change the color scheme, the flower arrangements, the type of dresses, the venue, even the food.” I joked to scare him a little.  
  
“You know what? We’ll just choose the year, they can choose the season,” Jack brushed it off, leaning back in his chair and looking a bit afraid of what was to come.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I’m the only one hated by both of our families,” I assured him, rubbing my thumb over his hand.  
  
“No, no,” he sighed and picked up our interlocked hands, placing one soft kiss on my hand. “I don’t care. I’ll do anything to make sure that our wedding day will be the way we want it, not how our parents want it. They had their day, now it’s ours.”  
  
And once again he had proven that he was way too good for me. I didn’t deserve him one bit.


	26. Twenty-Six

Don’t ask me. I was a horrible human being. Here I was, leading two people on. No, I was leading eight people on. By messing around with Alex, I was playing with his heart, but also William’s. I was making it seem like I was going to be around forever, to be there for both of them, but I couldn’t promise that. And sleeping with Jack while we were planning our wedding, that was an even harder blow. By letting him down, I was also letting his parents, my parents, and my brother down.  
  
It was burning me out.  
  
All throughout fall, I still juggled both, trying my best to satisfy them both. I really did try, I couldn’t do without either of them. But at one point, I started to see things clearer. I was too focused on balancing them out to fully enjoy it myself. I needed to do something before I lost control.  
  
So, slowly but surely the time I spent with one of them diminished. I knew that I couldn’t keep both around forever, I had to choose the one that understood me the best and knew how to make me feel right. The lifestyle didn’t matter, only the person I would hopefully spend the rest of my life with did. I didn’t care if I lived in a cheap one bedroom apartment or a grand villa with an ocean view. I needed somebody who could support me through this sudden career change and continue to treat me like the person I was. There really only was one who could do all this and I could reciprocate it all.  
  
But I wasn’t that far yet. I was still trying to figure out how to communicate what I was feeling, and I was having a hard time separating myself from the one man I was going to have to leave behind. Being with Alex always felt like a new adventure, which made me feel alive. He was intriguing, he made everything inside me flutter, and he was my escape from the world. Jack, however, was my security, he knew all the cute things to make me feel loved, and he’d been my home for so long.  
  
But only one could be my one true love.  
  
I wanted nothing more than to be able to have both in my life. But that wasn’t a possibility. At least I wanted to have more time to fully figure things out. Yet that also wasn’t possible. It had to happen soon. I was exhausted and literally making myself feel sick, causing frequent headaches.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
Little did I know that something serious was going on. My stress and guilt weren't making me feel this way, but it was most definitely making it worse. My body was giving me signals that something was going on and that I had to slow down. It wasn’t just psychological.  
  
I decided to go home early from Alex’s one day with a headache that barely let me keep my eyes open. I knew that if I stayed with him, he’d take care of me. But even thinking of another warm human body being close to me made my nausea flare up. Not only couldn’t I stand Alex physically being around me that day, but I also couldn’t do it to him emotionally. All I could do was go home, where I knew I’d be alone until Jack came home a few hours later. I was hoping to have passed out by that time, though.  
  
I entered the pharmacy for medicine to help cure me back to health, but left with a dreading fear. My gut feeling had been screaming at me, telling me to stop being so stupid, that it was all so obvious. It was urging me to realize that I knew what was going on.  
  
I didn’t get to do as I hoped. There was no way I could fall asleep with what I knew. I swallowed some paracetamol to get rid of my headache so I would no longer feel like my head was so heavy, hoping it wouldn’t make everything worse.  
  
I was anxious around the time Jack was supposed to come home. While I should have probably been sitting down with how I was feeling, I was stood up and walking around the house, nerves coursing through my body.  
  
“Pays?” Jack asked, concern evident not just on his face, but also by the fact that he didn’t take time to take off his jacket and kick off his shoes. “Why are you home early?”  
  
I walked up to him, wringing my hands together, feeling restless. “Alex sent me home, I’m not feeling all too great.”  
  
“Oh, no, what’s wrong?” He put down his backpack and started to take off his jacket, but left his shoes on.  
  
“Just a terrible headache and nausea.” I was still unsure what to do. Was I just supposed to tell Jack that I was okay otherwise? Or was I supposed to ask him to take care of me just after I had refused Alex’s help?  
  
“Do you know what it is?” He stepped a little closer to me, not afraid that whatever I had was contagious. “Migraine? Stomach bug? Do you need me to go out and buy you something?”  
  
“No… I-- I just…” I shook my head, so doubtful about everything, and took hold of his right wrist.  
  
With my careful grip, I started pulling him into the bedroom. The curtains were closed from when my headache was at its height, but I turned on the light as I walked past the switch. Jack just let himself be guided without asking any questions. I let go of him when we were in the middle of the room and positioned him towards the bathroom door.  
  
I picked up what I had bought at the pharmacy from the counter and brought it back with me to the bedroom. Jack was watching me curiously while I felt like I was shaking. Before I got too nervous, I handed the box to him, making sure he wouldn’t have to touch what was on top.  
  
His gaze shifted down to what was in his hands, staring at it for too long. Eventually, he picked up the stick and compared it to the back of the box, taking more than a triple take.  
  
My heart was beating loudly, unsure what his reaction was going to be like. I didn’t even know how I felt.  
  
“We… w--... we’re having a baby?” he gasped softly, his eyes falling on me again.  
  
I was more than fidgety by now, both scared yet also surprised how calm Jack was. I was more afraid of myself now. “I think so…”  
  
“We’re really having a baby?” he repeated, still looking straight at me in wonder.  
  
“That’s what the test says…” I mumbled, pointing at the plastic he was still holding.  
  
“Oh my god.” A sappy smile appeared on his face. “No way.”  
  
“I don’t know…”  
  
Still holding the pregnancy test in one hand and the box in the other, he hugged me tightly, catching me off guard. It had all gone so fast, I didn’t know what to think anymore. The day started with me worrying like usual, then I started feeling horrible, later I found out I was pregnant, and now Jack was hugging me tightly. It seemed like Jack processed it way faster than I had. I still hadn’t even fully comprehended the plus sign on the stick.  
  
“Oh my god,” he breathed out, still holding me tight before cupping my cheek and looking into my eyes. “All I ever wanted was to start a family with you. Of course also marry you, but… _wow.”_  
  
“Really?” I sighed, some relief washing over me yet still feeling uneasy.  
  
“Yeah, when we moved here, I knew for sure that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I knew I wanted to marry you, and I knew that I wanted you to be the mother of my kids. One day we’d get the white picket fence dream.”  
  
“But we can’t even afford to have a baby.” Tears started running down my face. I felt guilty knowing what my final choice was, giving him this false hope. “We can barely afford living here. Especially not if we want to have our wedding.”  
  
“But that doesn’t matter.” He shook his head, trying his best to dry away my tears with his thumbs. “We can push back our wedding, we don’t have a date or any concrete plans yet. You can still work on your music and I’ll quit my job as soon as the baby’s born.”  
  
“Jack,” I sobbed, not able to control my emotions anymore, “you have too much faith in me. You don’t know if this music career will go anywhere. So many people get signed just to fail.”  
  
“But that won’t happen to you! I promise you that. And _if_ it doesn’t work out, that’s a strong if, I’ll take two jobs to support you and our little baby.” He tried to calm me down by stroking my hair. My tears did stop and my breathing started to become a little more even. “Or do you not want to have this baby?”  
  
“No, I do. I just…” I took a deep shaky breath in. “I’m having horrible mood swings already. I’m happy, I promise, just a little emotional.”  
  
“You sure?” he whispered, brushing away the last few tears.  
  
I nodded softly, kissing him on the cheek.  
  
I did want to have kids, I really did. But everything was just too much now.


	27. Twenty-Seven

It felt strange going back to Alex’s house knowing there was a new life growing inside of me. My whole life, I wanted to have kids, or at least have them someday, but I wasn’t so sure about the situation I was in. It made everything so much more complicated. I was unsure if I felt queasy because I was pregnant, or because I needed to make that important decision today. Nothing could prepare me for any reaction I got that day, whether it be good or the opposite.  
  
I used my key to enter the house, taking a deep breath, taking a good look at the dark wood. Ever since I came the first time for my interview, I never appreciated the house as much again. It just turned into the place I worked and would sometimes spend my free time at. But knowing that things could go badly, I was starting to look at everything again and find something good about it.  
  
That dark wood was so beautiful.  
  
I gently closed the door and started going further into the house to see if I could find anybody. There was nobody in the office full of books and heavy desk, nobody on the stairs, and nobody was in the living room. I knew that somebody had to be awake, so I shuffled further and towards the kitchen. It was there that I found Alex making himself a bowl of cereal.  
  
“Morning.” I smiled softly and walked up to the counter, putting down my bag on it.  
  
“Hey.” He grinned back and opened the fridge to put away the milk before picking up his bowl and eating one spoonful.  
  
I was unsure how to start the conversation. Maybe it was better to wait it out until I left that afternoon or evening. However, if I did that, my mind would be on it the entire time and I wouldn’t be able to do my work properly. And if I did it now, if the reaction was good, I’d be able to enjoy the rest of the day. If it didn’t go well, then at least it was over with.  
  
One other thing first, though.  
  
“What time do you have to go to work today?” I asked, feeling the nerves trying to block my throat.  
  
“I’m going to be bugging you the entire day. “ He smirked and walked over to my side of the counter where all the barstools were. As expected, the smirk turned into him dipping down and giving me a short deep kiss. “So, if you had something planned, we can totally go do that right now… and again later.”  
  
I nodded, knowing that I had to do it now if I didn’t want to feel like I was leading him on. But when he leaned down to kiss me yet again, I couldn’t help but savor it. I didn’t know how he was going to react, I didn’t want to accept the worst. But when he deepened it even further, putting down his bowl of cereal and pushing me against him, I had to break it apart. Like this, I was going to be enticed and I didn’t have enough strength to do it later.  
  
“Alex…” I sighed, lightly pushing my hand against his chest to put definite space between us. “We need to talk.”  
  
“Sure, what’s up?” He asked as he sat down on one of the barstools.  
  
I took one last deep breath in and walked into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water. Although I shouldn’t have been stalling like this, and I didn’t want Alex to overthink it all, I couldn’t help but take my time. This was a light altering moment.  
  
“Well,” I started, taking a sip of the water and putting it down on the counter as I went to face him, keeping my hands at the base of the glass, “as much as I like working here, in a couple of months, I’m going to have to stop.”  
  
“I know.” He nodded casually as he took another bite of his breakfast. My heart rate started speeding up, wondering how he knew what was going on, but of course he didn’t know. “You’re going to have to work on your music.”  
  
“Oh… yeah…” I exhaled, having completely forgotten about my new career, about the contract I had signed, that was only making everything even more difficult. “But, umm… that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.”  
  
“No?” He frowned, dropping the spoon in the bowl and focusing completely on me. It was like he only knew then that I actually had to talk about something serious and not something small like the weather. “Why then?”  
  
“No…” I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes, knowing that it was now or never. “I, umm, well… I… I’m pregnant.”  
  
I opened my eyes to see Alex staring at me with wide eyes. His entire body was stiff and I felt fear rushing through my body. Even though I had to tell him about it, I couldn’t deal with him getting mad at me now. Yet, here we were, in his kitchen. I just told him what was going on with me, and he was just looking at me like I had gone crazy.  
  
He managed to snap out of it, running a hand through his hair. “You’re really pregnant?”  
  
“That’s what the pregnancy test said,” I mumbled uncomfortably.  
  
“That isn’t bad news, is it?” he shrugged before standing up and slowly waltzing over to me. “I think it’s quite amazing actually. Although this is quite a surprise, we can work this out. I’ll be here through it all.”  
  
“Wait, what?” I questioned, taking a step back, confused about his reaction.  
  
“I may already have a son that I love, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to continue making a family with somebody else,” he clarified, making my eyes double in size. “Of course I didn’t think it would happen this soon, but I’m up for it. You can move in with us… we’ll take one of the rooms and turn it into a nursery. I was thinking light gray walls with yellow accents. We could maybe even make it music themed or with, like, white animals painted on the walls as well. I’m sure William will love the idea of getting a new sibling.”  
  
I laughed nervously, protectively putting a hand on my stomach. “No, this is Jack’s baby.”  
  
“Umm, what?” He chuckled back, keeping on a forced toothless smile while his eyes glared at me.  
  
“It’s Jack’s baby,” I repeated, looking up at him as my new protective nature took over.  
  
“You do know how babies are made, right? It’s not just through cuddles, the act is quite a lot more physical.”  
  
I nodded overdramatically. “Jack and I have been having sex.”  
  
“You _what?!”_ He nearly screamed out, but lowered his voice so he wouldn’t wake or catch William’s attention.  
  
“He’s my boyfriend. Hell, he’s my fiance. There’s no rule about me having sex with him.”  
  
“Even if that’s the case,” he now completely left his calm and loving attitude behind, “we’ve been having sex as well. How are you so certain that it’s that sticky little boy’s? It could just as well be mine.”  
  
My gaze pierced into him. I could never let myself be with someone who was constantly so jealous to the point he forgot he was the person I was cheating with. So, I stated yet again, “it’s Jack’s. You always pulled out, he never did.”  
  
“Pulling out is not an effective method of birth control, Paisley,” Alex told me with a disbelieving shake of his head. “You can very well still get pregnant.”  
  
But what he said didn’t help his case at all. “So you thought it was fucking okay to have sex with me without protection? You saw that I had no clue what I was doing and decided to take advantage of that. Was this your plan all along? To get me pregnant and hope I stick around forever?”  
  
“I’m just sayin’. Can just as well be my baby. Doesn’t have to be that other dude’s,” he shrugged and crossed his arms.  
  
“Excuse me, but ‘that other dude’ is the man I’ve been with since my sophomore year in high school and am going to marry!” I didn’t care about attracting William’s attention, so I shouted just as loud as I needed to get my anger across. I was done with Alex. And here I was hoping this would have the ending I was hoping for; I just wanted him to be supportive of my decision.  
  
“But that doesn’t mean anything! Just because you’ve been together for years and are set to marry doesn’t mean your feelings are the strongest. What about us, huh?! I love you, and you can’t just tell me you’re throwing that away for something that has been a constant for so long.”  
  
I shook my head, hoping I could still end this civilly. “But Jack, he gave me this ring for a reason.”  
  
“What, I can get you a ring. I can get you any ring you like. Pick out two if you want, I don’t care how expensive they are.”  
  
“Alex, it’s not about the physical ring, it’s about what it means.” I held up my left hand to show the engagement ring once more. “You keep trying to buy me. You’ve been giving me endless raises and gifts in hope that it makes me want to stay with you. You should know by now that love doesn’t work like that, especially for me.”  
  
“You can’t just tell me you don’t feel the same way!” he argued loudly.  
  
“I _don’t._ Feel. The same. Way!” I screamed, hurting my own throat in the process.  
  
“You’re just saying that cause you’re in denial and mad.”  
  
“No, I’m saying that because I don’t love you! I’m saying it because I don’t have any feelings for you. Why else do you think I’ve been trying to stay away from you the last couple of months? Every single time you manipulate me and we end up sleeping together again. I am putting this to an end right now.”  
  
“Yeah, sure, run to that twat again. You’ll soon figure out that he can't give you anything that I can give you.” He rolled his eyes, way too calm for what was happening, especially after confessing his love. It was like despite it all, he still believed he had won; like I would come back.  
  
“And you’re doing it again!” I roared and pushed past him, picking up my bag before rushing away.  
  
As I stomped through the house, I took the house key off the clip on my keychain, throwing it onto the dark hardwood floor and leaving a large white dent and scratch in it as the key bounced somewhere else. I could just feel Alex still inside the house, waiting for me to turn around and apologize before we would have make-up sex. But not this time. This time I left the house and slammed the door as loudly as possible behind me.  
  
As hectic as it all was, I didn’t realize the severity of it until I got into the car and drove away. The entire conversation kept repeating in my head, not making me any less furious at Alex, but notifying me of every single comeback that would have been better. I had hoped to tell Alex that I was pregnant and wanted to stay with Jack, that my relationship with him was becoming too overwhelming and that I didn’t want to lead him on anymore. I was stupid to think that he would understand me. He was already filled with jealous rage, I just unleashed it all at once.  
  
The least I hoped for was to be able to go back home and continue to live my life with Jack without having to think about Alex ever again. But when I parked in the driveway, the guilt was worse than ever. Here I was, looking at the house Jack and I had gotten together after high school so we could spend all our time together instead of staying with our parents. But I ruined that. I had broken every single promise we had ever made.  
  
Before I left the car the tears were already streaming down my face. I had fucked up so bad and there was nothing I could do. There was nobody to blame but myself. I was wasting Jack’s time. He deserved to be with somebody that only ever cared about him. I couldn’t believe I ever thought that I could go on with my life without telling Jack what had happened.  
  
By the time I had reached the door, I had to use a hand to cover my mouth to stop any sounds from escaping and to wipe away the never-ending stream of tears. I knew I had to do something, to release Jack from the hell that was me. I just had to figure out how.  
  
I quickly closed the front door behind me, unsure if it was worth taking off my shoes or if I had to turn around and leave. I couldn’t break his heart like this. It was better to just disappear.  
  
“Pays, is that you?” Jack’s voice came from the bedroom. “What are you doing home?”  
  
That was all I needed to break. The feelings were too heavy to hold in. I broke down right there. A painful sob wracked from my lungs up into my throat and out my mouth, filling the silence I left when I didn’t answer Jack’s questions. I knew I had no right to cry, but it was forcing itself out. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I felt weak.  
  
I slid down the wall opposite the coats and shoes, covering my face as the tormenting cries continued to come out of me. It was all too much.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Jack ran to me, worried about what was going on, and immediately was next to me on his knees as he tried to calm me down by holding me tightly.  
  
It only made things worse for me. Every right thing he did only made the situation regress even further. I couldn’t hear a word he said over my own wailing. He needed to leave me, it was the only way this could end.  
  
“Pays, this isn’t good for the baby!” he exclaimed with concern. “You need to calm down.”  
  
“I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry. Ja-ack. I-I’m so-orry,” I blubbered, shaking my head and trying to cower away from his touch.  
  
“There’s nothing to be sorry about if you calm down,” he said calmly, thinking I was saying sorry for my breakdown and the stress this was putting on the baby that was still very fragile.  
  
“No-- N-no.” I continued to shake as the tears didn’t slow down at all. “You need to get as far away from me as possible!”  
  
“What? What do you mean?”  
  
“I fucked up, I fucked up real bad.” My breathing was still very irregular and I could feel pain start in my side from not getting enough oxygen. That didn’t stop me from taking off the engagement ring and forcing it into his hand, though  
  
“Pays, what’s going on?” He rushed out, looking at the ring like it was a poisonous object that he shouldn’t be holding.  
  
I put my head between my knees and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. There was a high pitched ringing in my ears making it impossible for me to calm down. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to do this. But this couldn’t be true love and Jack deserved it.  
  
“Alex-- I--” I had to stop to try and take a breath, but it only burned. “I cheated.”  
  
“Oh…” Jack’s touch was removed from my body, making me feel cold. He was completely deflated. Still, the hand with the ring wouldn’t close, still there like it was a dark force. “Today? Just now?”  
  
I shook my head, the pain in my heart becoming unbearable. The least I expected was the heavy guilt to be lifted a little. But it just came to crush me more. Everything felt even worse, amping up my sobs yet again.  
  
“Then when?” Jack still asked, looking at me sadly while his voice was still calm.  
  
I couldn’t do it. It was easier to walk out of the door than to break Jack’s last sliver of hope. I couldn’t break it to him that it wasn’t just once, that it was a long-term secret I had been keeping from him. It would hurt him so much worse.  
  
I started pulling at my own hair to see if the physical pain would soothe the emotional pain. “Since the first night I came home late.”  
  
“That-- that’s long…” he murmured, his eyes giving away just how heartbroken he actually was. “Why?”  
  
That one question. It could mean so little but also so much. Why didn’t I tell him? Why did I feel the need to tell him now? Why Alex? Why betray him like that? Why act like everything was okay? Why invite him to the party when I was performing? Why cheat in the first place? All of them could be meant, and I didn’t know which one it was.  
  
“I-- I can’t,” I panicked. Both my heart and my mind were going through a rollercoaster. Whenever I managed to relax just a little bit, something would come back to constrict my breathing as my body tried to expel tears from an already emptied source. “I, I’ll go. I--”  
  
“Pays.” Jack put his right hand on my cheek turning my head in his direction “Look at me. You need to calm down.”  
  
The contact managed to make the last two existing tears run down my cheeks. He slowly slipped his other hand into mine, leaving behind the ring so that it was back in my possession, but with his protection.  
  
“You’re hurting yourself more than you’re hurting me,” he sighed and brushed his thumb underneath my eye.  
  
“Wh-what?” I stammered, taking staccato breaths.  
  
“Look at you. You’re beating yourself up about this. I can’t stand seeing you like this. This isn’t me saying that what you did isn’t wrong, but I’m not just going to get mad. It’s quite obvious that you already know what you did is horrible,” he explained in a soft voice that was too loving for what I had done. “I just need you to answer one question for me. Is this baby mine?”  
  
For the first time that day, I looked him in the eyes. There was so much doubt in me, but I couldn’t start lying to him now. “Alex tried to manipulate me into staying with him and breaking up with you by saying he could just as much be the father… but… I _feel_ like it’s yours. I didn’t even think of the possibility of him being it. But I can’t be sure.”  
  
“Okay.” He processed the information. “I know I said one question, but I have one more. Do you love him?”  
  
I shook my head, hoping he could see I was telling nothing but the truth. “It’s why he got mad and tried to scare me into thinking he is the father. He even tried to get me to stay, saying he’d buy me as many rings as I wanted when I spoke about the promise _we_ made to each other. But I didn’t want all that, I wanted you.”  
  
“I love you, Pays,” he whispered, giving me a small smile.  
  
I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t, not with everything that had happened.  
  
“But what if Alex is the father? What then?” I questioned instead. I couldn’t force him to stay with me just because he thought I was having his baby.  
  
“Your feeling is good enough for me,” his lips twitched upward again, “and if it’s not right, then I’ll still raise the kid like my own. I still want to have a family with you.”  
  
Not leaving me any more time to doubt everything, he leaned in and gently kissed me. It felt so comforting feeling his lips on mine, even if it nearly felt like a warm ghost. It was all the reassurance I ever needed.  
  
“I love you too, Jack,” I breathed against his lips.  
  
“Forever and always.” He smiled and put up his pinky for a pinky promise before putting the ring back on my finger.


	28. Epilogue

My head was tilted up slightly as the makeup artist swiped a small brush over my lips to finish off the look she had created. Just like my eyes, which consisted of deep warm browns and bright shimmers, my lips had to be a dramatic burgundy red. It was supposed to be captivating and impressive, something a celebrity would wear.  
  
I rarely looked like this, not even when I was up on stage. At home, I often wore no makeup, when out I’d only wear minimal, and on stage it was a little more out there since I’d wear eyeliner and occasionally lipsticks. Photoshoots, however, were a different story. I got given clothes to wear and people did my makeup for me to the point I’d barely look like myself anymore.  
  
Although so not like me, doing this every once in a while was quite fun. It was nice seeing the way other people styled me; seeing other things I could pull off. This particular photoshoot was quite important, though. We were working on an album cover. Personally, I wanted a more muted look, I wasn’t used to the extravagant style. But I was given a complete makeover in a studio. That’s not to say that my input was ignored, the record label and designer wanted to have as many options as possible. This was the opposite of my suggestion, but I could turn out to love it.  
  
The makeup artist gave me the good-to-go sign and I got up from the stool, making my way over to the white backdrop. I held my robe shut tight despite the ribbon already holding it closed for me, and took a look from afar at the bright lights that were going to be pointing at me. Everything was so professional, there was a whole crew: photographers, assistants, caterers, stylists, people from the record label. But that came with rising fame.  
  
I turned around, feeling my overly hairsprayed hair crunch slightly as I bumped into somebody who was just about to tap me on my shoulder. Immediately apologizing, I took a step back to see who I had practically just attacked just to find out it was somebody I didn’t expect to be here.  
  
“Alex?” My eyebrows furrowed before I realized I probably shouldn’t be making all too dramatic faces just yet in case it ruined the makeup. “What are you doing here?”  
  
He bit his lip as he shrugged, standing right in front of me in a fancy dark blue suit and red tie. “I got a promotion to a different department and was invited to the shoot. Couldn’t say no when I found out it was you.”  
  
“Oh…” I nodded, feeling the need to close my robe even further and tighter. “How nice.”  
  
“You look great,” he complimented to keep the conversation going, gesturing towards me.  
  
“I think that partially has to do with the caked on makeup,” I sighed, reminding myself not to touch my hair and run my fingers through it.  
  
He scrunched up his nose and gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m guessing you don’t really like it.”  
  
“I mean, it’s okay,” I told him honestly, “as long as your people don’t expect me to look like this every day.”  
  
 _“My_ people?” Alex asked with a chuckle, putting his hands in the pockets of his pants.  
  
“I don’t know, co-workers or whatever. Depends on which position you have now.”  
  
I actually wasn’t all too thrilled that Alex was now working in the department which I was also a part of. We obviously had some history, and I didn’t want that coming in the way of my career just as it was starting to seriously take off. I had gotten this far and I wanted to keep climbing. With the power Alex had, all he had to do was say something and I was out. And we didn’t end things on good terms.  
  
He just smiled at me, about to say something else, when Jack suddenly bounced up to my side, not seeing who I was actually talking too.  
  
“He finally passed out,” Jack sighed, still out of breath a little from running around, our two-year-old son fast asleep with his head on his father’s shoulder, “and I’ve had my workout for the year.”  
  
I giggled and ruffled my baby’s dark black hair as I clarified the situation for Alex, “somebody on set fed him sugar and he just turns into a ball of energy, zooming across the entire place.”  
  
“Oh.” He nodded, taking a good look at Jack.  
  
I knew exactly what was going through his mind, it was what I thought about every single time I saw old pictures of me and Jack. Even though it had been just over two years since I had ended things with Alex, Jack had changed a lot. He could no longer be classified as a ‘twig’. Sure, he was still tall and lanky, but he looked a lot less like a boy now. His shoulders were broader and he had gained a little bit a weight that looked good on him. Even Alex wouldn’t be able to call him a ‘boy’ anymore.  
  
I took a look towards Jack as well, seeing him squint menacingly at Alex with a slight scowl on his face. Jack used to like Alex before he found out I was sleeping with him. Now, Jack couldn’t stand the older man despite never having seen each other since the day I performed in Alex’s backyard.  
  
Before Jack could say anything to express his dislike for Alex, Alex pointed at my boy. “Is that…?”  
  
I nodded softly, once again running my fingers through my son’s soft hair. Although it’s complete bullshit to say a baby looks like one of its parents, I really did think Jack was his father. He was born with black hair… which didn’t really tell us anything. When I was born, I also had really dark hair which lightened to a bright blonde until I was five years old. But our baby boy’s black hair had only gotten thicker and longer in the same black tone.  
  
We had never done a paternity test. Although it would have given concrete results, Jack refused. To him, it didn’t matter whose DNA was passed on as long as he got to raise him. Something told me he was afraid he’d start acting differently if he ever found out he wasn’t the biological father, and that wasn't fair in any way, especially when we had other kids that were definitely his. But we both secretly believed he really was our child, not Alex’s.  
  
“I don’t like you,” Jack stated slowly, shaking his head at Alex. “Not at all. And I don’t know why you’re here, but I trust Paisley not to fall for your stupid ways again.”  
  
I had to fight rolling my eyes. It was nice to know that Jack trusted me, though. I hadn’t even been tempted to cheat on him ever since I told him about Alex. It was a one-time thing. Our families didn’t even know what happened. To them, Jack and I had always been faithful to each other; the only thing that had gotten in the way of our wedding was me being pregnant. When Felix, our baby, was three months old, though, we did get married, and that was that. We were happy together the entire time and even moved to a larger house.  
  
Alex shifted uncomfortably, surprised by Jack’s announcement. He was finally seeing that Jack really wasn’t anything like the guy he thought he was back when we were having an affair. Of course, everything about Jack was a lot more innocent back then, but it was safe to say he always had this in him, especially if it meant protecting his family.  
  
Before the tension could get any worse, I saw a girl my age or younger enter through the side door with a six-year-old boy. Although I had no idea who this skinny blonde girl was, I could still recognize William despite him being older now. He ran up to his dad and immediately clutched onto his leg. The girl joined a little later. Alex wrapped an arm around her and placed a short kiss on her lips.  
  
Jack and I shared a look, causing him to snort. The couple in front of us snapped their eyes in his direction, causing Jack to rub his nose as if he was just about to sneeze.  
  
“Sorry, Felix’s hair is tickling my nose,” he excused, making me have to hold back my own laughter.  
  
This was too cliché. Alex most definitely had a type: younger blonde girls who were too naive to understand what this older guy was either willingly or subconsciously doing.  
  
Eventually, William looked up to see who his father was talking to and saw me. Although it had been a few years and I didn’t look anything like I usually did, he totally did recognize me. His eyes first widened before he lit up completely.  
  
“Paisley!” He shouted out in glee, leaving his dad’s leg to hug me instead as I went down to my knees. “Dad, look, it’s Paisley!”  
  
“I know, buddy.” Alex nodded, still using the same nickname as three years ago.  
  
I pouted at Will, hugging him back. “I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.”  
  
“That’s okay,” he shrugged, his innocence radiating off him, “dad told me you had to take care of your own family. But I liked you more than my new babysitter.”  
  
“Will, that’s rude!” Alex scolded in a warning tone.  
  
“No, it’s okay, I understand,” the girl brushed off, making this even more cliché than it already was.  
  
Alex’s type was only becoming more and more specific. He really did like to take advantage of his babysitters.  
  
I stood back up as I shook my head at him. “I’m sorry, I can’t take you seriously. You might have a high position in this company and might be wearing a suit, but I really can’t take you seriously at all.”  
  
Alex frowned while I saw Jack trying to hide his grin behind Felix acting like he was just kissing the top of his head. Jack and I occasionally did wonder what had happened with Alex, it was just funny to see him follow exactly what we had imagined as an extreme. His conquest of me might have failed, but he’d just move onto the next one. He had managed to snatch himself a nanny that did want to stay with him. I just hoped she wasn’t making the same mistakes as me.  
  
Oblivious to the situation, Alex’s girlfriend gestured towards my baby. “Is he yours?”  
  
Feeling like the question was more directed towards me--it was quite obvious that Jack would be holding his own sleeping son--I decided to answer, “yep, his name’s Felix since we’re fortunate to have such a happy little boy.”  
  
“Hey, if you ever need a babysitter, you can totally call me.” She reached out to touch the sleeping boy, making my heart race.  
  
I did not want her touching my baby. Even though she didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t want the hands that touched Alex to also touch my family. I was anything but jealous of her, but it did not sit right with me. And apparently, Jack had the same idea. He took a subtle step back so she couldn’t touch him and hiked him up a little to create some more movement, causing Felix to whine softly.  
  
“No, that’s fine really,” Jack forced a smile. And gave Alex a hard glare for his next sentence. “We don’t do babysitters and nannies. And I’m a stay at home dad, so it isn’t necessary.”  
  
“Are you sure? Not even if you guys ever want to go out for an evening?” The girl whose name I was never going to find out double checked, not understanding how sensitive of a subject this was.  
  
“No, I’m sure we’re just fine,” Jack said sharply, getting more agitated by the second. “I’m going to go find someplace quiet for Felix to take a nap.”  
  
He started walking away towards the stroller we still used whenever we were out for long days with Felix or didn’t want him running away from us on a constant basis. However, Jack’s rage must have gotten the best of him because he stopped and came back just to say something to Alex.  
  
“You know, dude,” he chuckled deeply, still keeping his voice level so he wouldn’t wake Felix, “I must actually thank you. You’ve taught Paisley quite a few interesting things.”  
  
Only then did he actually walk away to find a place for our baby to finish his nap. He most definitely did leave Alex’s girlfriend confused. Luckily William was watching the photographer quietly a couple of feet away, or things could have gotten a lot uglier.  
  
“He’s right,” I shrugged and started taking my robe off to reveal the bodysuit I was wearing, seeing that the producer and photographer wanted to have me start the shoot, “our sex life would have been a lot more boring if you hadn’t come in. It just keeps getting better and better now.”  
  
I couldn’t help but give that last blow before I walked off myself. Just like my new look and new music, I was more confident than I had ever been.  
  
I might have been the one that broke Alex’s heart, but he had nearly ruined the perfect life I had with my best friend. You can move on from a broken heart but you can’t ever move on from somebody using their selfish reasons to try and ruin your life. There was no way for me to ever fully forgive him.


End file.
